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Thread: (Blue)Jay - Laicar (Terran)

  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    Nov 2016

    (Blue)Jay - Laicar (Terran)

    Name: (Blue)Jay
    Age: 24
    Race: Laicar (Terran)

    Vigor: 1000
    Latens: 0

    Persona: Bluejay is what many would call a “chaotic neutral.” At this point in her life, she tends to carry out tasks motivated primarily by selfish reasons, with minimal regard for how other people are affected. Her reasons for not breaking laws usually equate to “Jail doesn’t sound very fun.” She is usually very pleasant and lighthearted in normal situations. In more serious, threatening situations, Jay begins to take on a much more serious attitude. Depending on her mindset in a fight, she will have either a smug grin, or a completely emotionless face. She ordinarily tends to avoid talking about parenting and the mercenary that raised her in general, often either changing the subject, leaving, drinking, etc.

    Physical Stature: Bluejay is a 5’6” woman with a tightly toned body structure. She has a shade caramel brown skin with occasional scars scattered across her body. She has long curly hair that she keeps dyed a shade of dark blue, to match her dark blue eyes.

    Biography: “Orphaned” at birth, Jay was taken in by an aging mercenary (who may or may not be her actual mother). She grew up with a band of mercenaries, learning the art of combat since she was five years old. The other mercs were tough on her, primarily focusing on teaching her to wield the dagger, katana, and pistol. This, however was put into perspective, at age thirteen, when Jay knocked out a senior member, whom had had one too many drinks, when he threatened to kill her pet bird. By the morning, they had all taken to calling her Bluejay and even started focusing more on teaching her unarmed combat. At the age of sixteen, Jay began studying Occultus and stealth. Her favorite pastime was to sneak from her mother’s tent, to the captain’s tent, slowly moving all of her mother’s spare clothes into the captain’s tent until she was spotted. Eventually, Jay left the band of mercenaries after a job went sour, resulting in the death of her mother. Since then, she has taken up a job as private security for a local bar in Terminus, named “Slickback’s.”

    Character Skills

    School of Occultus (The Hidden)

    Discipline of Militis (The Soldier)

    Discipline of Pugilis (The Brawler)
    Way of Pistolii (The Duelist)

    Sample Chapter:

    “Lass! Give daddy another drink!”

    The laicar’s muscles tensed and relaxed as she breathed deeply, watching the asshole in the bar shout impatiently for more alcohol. “Give me a reason,” she whispered, subtly putting on her, blue and black, fingerless gloves.

    It was closing time at Slickback’s, Jay’s favorite time of the day; this meant she gets back to her favorite pastime, which she often referred to as ‘Happy Hour.’ She glanced at her belongings behind the bar counter and then back to the few customers preparing to stumble home. With a smile, she put her black trench coat over her deep ocean blue shirt and black pants, leavin only some of her cleavage, her face, and her black boots uncovered. She then noticed the drunken spurii, who was still mumbling about getting another drink from the enlil bartender, who was doing everything she could to assure him that she would not be calling him ‘daddy.’

    “She only dates velen men and laicar women, Chris” Jay jested, prompting the bartender to throw a wet rag at Jay’s laughing face.

    Jay, however was so busy laughing at the spurii’s confused expression that she took the towel to the face. With a smooth, slow sigh and whip, she unveiled her face and tossed the rag back, then looks at the Chris. His feathers appeared to be drenched in sweat, and his eyes were starting to glaze over already. She was actually, at this point, wondering if the bartender would cling to the false belief just to avoid his attention for the five minutes left before he gets kicked out.

    “I-is that... t-true?” the spurii finally managed to mumble as the alcohol finally hit him full force.

    “No, of course not. But you see I already have someone of interest,” the enlil answered.

    “But Marrrria…”

    “Well this is getting weird,” Jay interrupted. “Chris, poor Maria has a busy night of bar cleaning.” She then puts a hand up as if to speak only to Chris even though Maria could obviously hear. “If you wanna make a good impression, leave early and be here early tomorrow.”

    The spurii’s eye lit up as he immediately stood, then stumbled to the door and out of the bar.

    “Well that was easy. So, Maria, I hear you had someone you’re interested in. Do i know them?”

    The enlil immediately froze up slightly

    “No one you’d know. Someone I met in town. A man actually.”

    “I know men in town,” Jay quickly responded with a grin.

    “Yeah but this one is, um, shy?” Maria said with a voice of pure uncertainty.
    “Really? A shy guy? Sounds nice. Good listener?” Jay asked, wholeheartedly.

    “Yes. Oh, and he’s funny and he fights...”

    “I know him,” Jay said plainly then grabbed her belongings and left without another word or glance.

    The laicar woman casually strolled down the road, examining her surroundings, almost as if expecting something to happen. She approached corners and windows around her path with a certain caution that almost mimicked that of someone with slight paranoia. The area she was in was relatively residential, so obviously it was not too lively, so some might wonder why she seemed so cautious. Others would probably defend that the dimly lit area was a prime location to attempt to mug a woman wandering home at the darkest time of night.

    Jay eventually slipped into an alley about half of a kilometer away from the bar. In the alley she found a dumpster on the far left end, approximately three fire escapes, and an enlil man standing in the middle of the alley.

    “Jackson, how the hell ya been?” Jay said with a smile, approaching him.

    “Stressed,” Jackson replied, “and wondering why the hell we’re doing this with all the shit happening lately.”

    The enlil reached out a hand and Jay handed him her bag of belongings, as well as her black trench coat. Jackson then nodded and led her into a door, that had been hidden by the shadow of the dumpster. The air inside smelled heavily of sweat, and lightly of blood. The sound of blows landing was so loud that had the walls not been soundproof, the neighbors would have complained to the guards long ago. They reached the source of the sounds and smells, after about thirty seconds, a boxing ring surrounded by cheering gamblers, as the two competitors engage in an all-out brawl. In the ring, there was a male spurii of velen and laicar descent, who was currently being hit by the vicious ground and pound of a full blooded male laicar. As the referee finally stepped in to call the fight, Jay began to remove her shirt, leaving her in only pants, boots, gloves, and a bra.

    Jackson simply smiled and hopped into the ring to announce the fight as the healers start tending to the previous fighters. “Alright ladies and gentlemen, you know what time it is! Our grand finale of the night! The championship match you’ve been waiting for. Over in the red corner we have the champion, with a record of twenty-one wins and four losses, Half-Moon!”

    With that, a large laicar man walked into the ring, shirtless, exhibiting his ‘rock hard’ exterior, topped off with the tattoo of a wolf on his back. His creamy white skin shined in the lights of the room, his hair cut short to keep it from his eyes.
    As the crowd cheered Jackson made a prayer like gesture to Half-Moon, who then signaled them to quiet down. “Thank you Half-Moon,” Jackson said with a sigh of relief, “next, we have his challenger, in the blue corner. This fighter is an ex-mercenary with a record, since she arrived, of ten wins, three by knockout, and a total of zero losses. I give you… Bluejay!”

    Jay entered the ring, ignoring how significantly quieter her applause was as she got into stance and the officials got out of the way. The fighters heard the bell and the champion lunged at Jay with a push kick, forcing her to jump to her left to avoid it. Jay chose to take the opportunity of Half-Moon’s missed attack to throw two quick strikes to his ribs, which he responded by batting her away forcefully, almost knocking her off balance. He turned to her, only to find his intimidating demeanor met by Jay’s patented smug ass grin.

    Half-Moon’s face became less cocky and more angry as he got close again and went for a right hook, which was avoided by Jay. however, when he missed he came back with his right hand, again, striking Jay in the face, then uppercut him with the left, sending Jay stumbling back into the ropes. Taking advantage of this, Half-Moon went to the ropes and started to nail Jay with repeated hook punches from both sides. Jay held up her guard to limit the damage making it too her face, but there was only so much the guard could do. Thus, she decided to drop to one knee and take Half-moon by both legs, tackling him to the ground. As Jay started trying to move closer to his face, he kicked her off of him and scrambled to his feet. Jay, also, attempting to get up takes advantage of the awkward position to jump forward and dropkick Half-Moon in the shins, knocking him right back to his hands and knees. With a slight chuckle, Jay started to roll away, but is immediately dove on by Half-Moon, who starts swinging at her face again. This time a few of the blows land directly, leaving her nose and mouth bleeding heavily. Jay reacted by wrapping her legs around his waist to limit his mobility, and then grabbed his hands and they began to struggle for control. After about ten seconds, Jay brought one leg up around his neck and initiated a choke hold. However, due to a bad positioning and grip, he slipped to a position where he could slam Jay on her head, and did so. The force of Jay’s head impacting the matt caused her to let go completely and hold the back of her head in pain. As the referee started counting, she rolled over to see Half-Moon taunting her.

    After reaching nine of the ten count, Jay finally made it to her feet and subtly got back in stance, the grin now completely erased from her face. Seeing this, Half-Moon laughed and got out of stance, pointing to his face as if to give her a free shot. In his cocky taunting, he failed to notice two things: that all emotion had left her face, and that she had begun to rapidly bounce on her toes in her stance. Slowly getting closer to Half-Moon, Jay gauged how serious he was about the free hit and took it. The only thing was, Jay did not swing for the face. Jay punched Half-Moon full force in his solar plexus area, specifically the center of his diaphragm. The air was rapidly evicted from Half-Moon’s lungs, and the new tenant was pain. He began to double over, but was met by a vicious uppercut that knocked him back and onto his back.

    “Get up!” Bluejay shouted over the amazed crowd as they freaked out.

    Taking the challenge personally now, the champion rose again, despite the pain and swung again, but this time, Bluejay hopped back to dodge, throwing a kick at the diaphragm of her hurt opponent. As Half-Moon coughed, Jay shifted closer, using the momentum to throw a more powerful kick to her opponent’s face, making his head pop up, a tooth falling out. Jay, finally, side kicked his solar plexus again, sending him stumbling back. As Half-Moon recovered, Jay, stepped, leaped off of her left foot, and landed a punch square in the face of the champion, resulting in an audible crack before sending him into, and through the middle ropes, tumbling to the ground. As the healers rushed to the clearly beaten laicar fighter, Bluejay, finally, wipes the blood from her face and raises a hand in victory.

    Jackson climbs in slowly to announce the results. “Well… looks like we have a new champion! Ladies and gentlemen, Bluejay!”

    As the crowd cheers, Jay looks down at the healers beginning to mend Half-Moon’s broken nose and grins before putting her shirt back on.

  2. #2
    Staff Member Redfin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Over there
    Hiya Bats. I'm Redfin, and I'm going to take a look at your application.

    First off, welcome to our little RP site here. Hope you enjoy the stay.

    You should be careful with a chaotic neutral persona. Internally, the logic should still all work out with Jay and not to have it as an excuse to react to anything in any way. It might help to have more definition, though that doesn't need to be worked out now. Sometimes, it takes a few chapters to get a better feel for the character. I'm alright with this persona as long as things make sense to Jay.

    Physical Stature:
    Yes, this is good. It's simple but still gives enough information about Jay.

    You know, I would leave out the information in parenthesis. It would be interesting to explore more in depth in a chapter or something. Having such a background is filled with possibilities for old characters to pop up. It's good.

    I have to point out this sentence, though:
    This, however was put into perspective, at age thirteen, when Jay knocked out a senior member, whom had had one too many drinks, when he threatened to kill her pet bird.
    Reading this sentence all at once, it is too much information. You have both stuff about what Jay did and what caused the thing to do it. The weird commas are probably also throwing me off a bit. Splitting the sentence into two would make it more readable. Something like this:

    At age thirteen, this was put into perspective when Jay knocked out a senior member. He had had one too many drinks and threatened to kill her pet bird.

    It gives the same information while putting a break in the middle to give readers some time to process.

    Otherwise, it's a good biography. Keep in mind that as much training as Jay has had over her life, she would still be considered a novice in terms of those skills until you start writing a bit more.

    I liked this chapter. It really showcased Jay effectively in a variety of situations and doesn't feel too busy doing so. We got to see a more laid-back Jay at work. And then there was the second part, the fight club. The action scene was well done. The simple, straight descriptions made the action feel fast and really back-and-forth.

    The personality shift was done well. It certainly shifted the tone of the fight that I enjoyed.

    I'm hoping that the work scenes don't get sidelined in favor of the action stuff. It seems like the workplace would be a good contrast and time to get to know Jay.

    I did notice some punctuating mistakes in the writing, however that's easily solved by reading through the chapter again after writing it. You have a good grasp on what makes a solid piece of writing. Doing a bit of final polishing up will make it better.

    It was closing time at Slickback’s, Jay’s favorite time of the day; this meant she gets back to her favorite pastime, which she often referred to as ‘Happy Hour.’
    This could also be two sentences split at the semicolon. Also, you should keep an eye on the tenses. The gets is present tense. It should be a got to keep it in the same past tense as everything else.

    With a slight chuckle, Jay started to roll away, but is immediately dove on by Half-Moon, who starts swinging at her face again.
    As the healers rushed to the clearly beaten laicar fighter, Bluejay, finally, wipes the blood from her face and raises a hand in victory.
    A similar tense problem occurs in these sentences. In the first one, the 'is' should be a 'was'. In the second one, the 'wipes' should be 'wiped'. The 'raises' should be 'raised'.

    The chapter was fun to read. I enjoyed the looks at the many different parts of Jay's life and personality. I don't feel that any of the punctuating mistakes you had detracted too much from the chapter. You just need a bit of care looking over things before putting them up in the future. Oh, and keep an eye on the tenses changes. They sneak in there multiple times. Pay attention and make certain everything remains in the same tense, which is usually past tense.

    Jay's a cool mercenary character with a lot of room to play around with.

    Oh, one other thing I wanted to point out, character names. Jackson doesn't feel like it fits too well into the world. You should check this out if you want ideas on what names are considered common in Post Terminus.

    I will give you +1 approval to your application. Another member should be by soon to look over this application. If they give you an approval, you are in.

  3. #3
    Staff Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Welcome, Bats~

    You're off to a good start, I think. Just find a different way to describe your character other than chaotic neutral. The self-serving but not necessarily willing to do too much evil because it's too risky part of your description works really well, so I think you should stick with that. I'm interested to see how you write Jay. Fin was pretty thorough with his advice; take it. Revise your sample chapter before you post it in Writing. Smaller sentences and semicolons are very helpful for breaking up sentences. Learning to balance description with narration will come with experience, so just keep trying and make sure to read other people's work for reference. It's very helpful.

    There's not much else to say, really. You don't have any glaring errors that should bar you from membership. You should get an invite to chat soon, so I suggest making an account on slack. Don't be a stranger!

    +1 Approval
    Dys <3

  4. #4
    Staff Member Redfin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Over there
    Hey, I see that you've received your second approval, so congratulations. Welcome into Post Terminus.

    What you can do now is, as Dys stated, do some proofreading on your chapter and then post it up in the writing section. It is week 119 right now. Don't worry about the tags, such as [Oc] for now.

    For a laicar character, you should post your profile here.

    And this post contains some important information about how your character gets stronger and what kind of bonuses a new character has.

    If this all feels a bit overwhelming, feel free to ask questions in our chat. Give an e-mail address to this guy, swaswj, and he'll send you an invite.

    You should come in chat, anyway. It's where the stuff happens.

    Hope you have fun.

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