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Thread: Grading Session for Week 164

  1. #1
    The Lurker <span style='color: #FFFFFF'><span class='glow_008080'>swaswj</span></span>'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2014

    Grading Session for Week 164

    [Be] -> [Oc] -> [Aq] -> [Be]

    The grading groups and their graders are currently as follows:

    [Ca] Castus - Inactive Members

    Castus List
    Regulus (Oc)

    [Oc] Occultus - Will

    [Be] Bellator - Will

    [Aq] Aquila - Will

    The Rotation for the month of August 2017 is:

    [Be] -> [Aq] -> [Oc] -> [Be]

    Please post your thread titles beginning with your grading group, then the week number, like follows:
    [Ca] Week 01: Title Should Be Here

    Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday

  2. #2
    The Lurker <span style='color: #FFFFFF'><span class='glow_008080'>swaswj</span></span>'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Alright, time to dive right in. I'm going to give myself extra Faction points to hand out because the usual 300 isn't enough.

    If someone could grade my parts in Misericorde and Chara'nira, I would greatly appreciate it.

    PM - Misericorde

    Well this was a long one, right? I'm always going to be an advocate for faster turns, but I still think you all did a really good job. I'm not going to harp on mechanics, mostly because the few errors I came across were pretty minor. The writing was solid from all three of you.

    Hare, you went all-in on introducing a bunch of new characters to fill out the fights with more personality, and I think that improved things quite a bit. Val slipped in just the one char helping with the cannons, plus faceless snipers, and I believe the only chars Thread mentioned were all faceless grunts. When you make them all faceless, you get red-shirt syndrome, and readers expect bad things to happen, or don't care when those things do happen.

    Dante felt kind of detached overall, jumping in to attack a few times, trying to help Deni where he could, but overall just kind of there. It stands out even more when he's playing off of Ioannes, who is a bit of a reluctant hero, driven to push himself forward in spite of his own fears, and Deni, who is waging a constant internal struggle over whether he needs to be there. None of your characters want to be there, and with Ioannes and Deni, you can feel it in how they react and approach things, and the reasons why they stay help define their characters. For Dante, we get very little of that.

    More than the combat, those are the sort of things I want to see in your writing, tying the over-arching plot somehow into your personal plots or character development. However, I do also want to see your characters behaving like protagonists. You're not extras, so don't be afraid to take risks and do the things you'd want to watch.

    PM bonus included below.

    Will (6666): ----/1333
    Hare (4146): 825/829 + 75 Faction
    Thread (1278): 252/256 + 50 Faction
    Val (3801): 756/760 + 75 Faction

    Most Dangerous Devices (1496)

    I didn't realize I never posted grades for this. I read it at work back when it was new.

    After quickly re-reading, I'm struck again by how rapidly things progressed here. Until now, most of the references to anything alien have been pretty vague, and it's surprising to see the sudden change. However, it actually ties in quite well with Laermont's sudden shift in tactics, as well. The show of force was great after all the time that TorBru was able to get away with doing pretty much whatever it wanted. I'm rather curious where things are going now, since it already left behind any predictions I had a long while ago.

    Moon: 148/150

    Light Ingression (2793)

    The partnership between Amanita and Diamantus is surprisingly casual considering what they're both into, and their past history. Considering what she knows about Diamantus, I'm a little disappointed that Amanita wasn't either more suspicious of her motives, or more grateful about getting someone with her skills. The two work well together, regardless, both focused on the task at hand.

    One odd note is that it felt like a few of your turns were setting something up, and the following turn would shut it down. Like Amanita forgetting that the camera would make noise, but in Diamantus' turn, nothing comes of it. Just prior to that, "ingress me with your skills" feels like an invite to write a creative breaking and entering, or perhaps lockpicking, but the following turn is, "let's just walk in." After Diamantus reflects on the fact that she didn't have to use her sword, the following turn introduces a violent situation practically begging for her to use the sword, but ends with Amanita saying, "Don't do it." The immediate response? "Alright."

    When you're writing collaboratively, it's good to work in little setups like this for your partners to show off, but always remember that you can communicate with each other, edit turns that don't make sense, or remove hooks that may not go anywhere. I know you two work well together, but the flow of those turns makes it seem like you're working against each other, and I'm almost certain that wasn't the case.

    Moon: 135/140 + 50 Faction
    Fin: 135/140 + 50 Faction

    Desiderium (1533)

    She writes again! For all the characters you have, I still find El and Felo to be among my favorites, so it's nice to see a little bit of El. Even more so, it's great to see him on his own, rather than playing off of other PCs. Seeing some of what he deals with, and how he manages to stay upbeat in the face of the discrimination, makes him very likeable… but I do appreciate that he has his lines you shouldn't cross. It immediately separates him from the manic likes of March. El reacting to the insult by punching the guy is a moment of both, "Hell yeah," and "oh dear." Our lanky blue friend isn't quite the bar-room brawler.

    Berri: 152/153 + 50 Faction

    Chara'nira (5750)

    The stable of characters grows: you've had Chara on the table for a long while, of course, but I'm reasonably sure this is the first actual writing with him. I'd like to see more of him, and learn more about him. Throughout this collab I actually struggled a bit with figuring out where to go with him, and although Naevius has his own moral guidelines that pushed him to heal the boy, Chara didn't make much of a case for himself as to why Naev should help him, either with the medicine or with tracking his quarry. His revenge plot is reminiscent of a certain enlil assassin, perhaps even intertwined since they both originate in Boreas.

    Despite not revealing too terribly much, there's a certain style to the writing with Chara that intrigues the reader. His unique language, his leovem pets, and the way he is both ignorant of society and stubbornly proud all combine to help him stand out. We need to see more of him than anger, though: we need to see what he was like before the anger, or what he can be like if he forgets it, even temporarily.

    Will: ---/288
    Berri: 282/288

    Sample Chapter - Inillis Mutamur (1567)

    You actually need to repost this in the Writing section when you get a chance… and give it a name! I don't have much more to say here than I said in the app review, unfortunately, so I'll just copy-paste that here for posterity.

    First impression: this is legitimately great. Inillis immediately stands out as a character that's well thought-out. He has a personality with both purpose and flaws, and it fits well with his relatively youth for the machina race. I'm also always glad to see more demvir. Touching on the Corcillum in his background was a nice touch. Inillis strikes a pretty unique figure, kind of having a dashing appearance like the heroes in his novels while outwardly acting stiffly. Could be part of why he admires them. The repeating symbol, as well as the contrasting colors, help tie his aesthetic together.

    The chapter was well-written, and it's apparent that you put a great deal of thought into it, as well. A lot of references to existing lore are present, but you're also building onto it, touching on some of the tunnels beneath Terminus (under the Arcanum in particular?). Lucien and Inillis have an intriguing little interplay, friendly to a degree, but only to a degree. Inillis' impatience and frustration with the engineer, despite ultimately giving in, helps show their relationship better than simply telling the reader. For Lucien's part, his reaction to finding the long-injured demvir speaks uniquely to a demeanor of casual, likely unintentional racism. He's eager to repair the demvir and awaken him, but definitely seems to think of it as a machine that can wait. On one hand, it's respect for cultural differences to find Inillis, a fellow machine to greet the new demvir, but he has an overall lack of urgency that would be alarming. Make note that I'm not saying this as a bad thing or that it makes Lucien a bad character.

    I really liked the struggle for Inillis at the very end, and how it finally came full circle back to his own awakening. "The Demvir are free" is a simple, yet powerful line both in the context of PT's history and in relation to Inillis' drive as a character.
    Welcome to Post Terminus! If you have any questions about updating your stats, feel free to ask in chat.

    Urmmux: 157/157 + 100 Faction Bonus

  3. #3
    Staff Member Redfin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Over there
    Phtandigilly, you got grades! Chara'nira, 285 + 50 (do I have faction to give?)
    These are only Chara'nira grades. If someone else had read Misericorde and wants to grade that, please do so.

    Is this the first time Chara has appeared? Looking at Will's previous comments, I'll say yes. Hmm, as an introduction chapter, it's pretty interesting and sets up questions on the character to be answered later. The character himself is fun, too.

    On to Naevius's parts. The science parts were cool and interesting to read. They really showed the breadth of his knowledge. The whole making the medicine part really grounded the collab and gave the dialogue a nice backdrop of action. It didn't overtake the conversation, but it added to it in an interesting way.

    I did find it dragging on a bit when Naevius was inner-monologueing or something about what to do with Chara. There was the entire leovem part. Then the part where he doesn't kick Chara out despite having no real reason to keep Chara after stabilizing the dangerous parts of the illness. It gives insight into Naevius's thoughts, but I'm not sure if I needed that much.

    I enjoyed the part where Naevius drops some proverb on Chara. And since the two characters are going to be working together, I'm wondering how they'll affect each other.

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