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Thread: Grading Session for Week 168

  1. #1
    The Lurker <span style='color: #FFFFFF'><span class='glow_008080'>swaswj</span></span>'s Avatar
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    Grading Session for Week 168

    [Be] -> [Oc] -> [Aq] -> [Be]

    The grading groups and their graders are currently as follows:

    [Ca] Castus - Inactive Members

    Castus List
    Bats
    Bish
    Bob
    Bunz
    Cheese
    Dil
    Doc
    Freckles
    Griff
    Iron_Void
    Kago
    Kaze
    Ketch
    Lambo
    Loko
    Nella
    Puppet
    Resh
    Sev
    Shade
    Shrub
    Sparx
    Switch
    Thana
    Tetsu
    Vin
    Zerieth

    [Oc] Occultus - Will
    Finny
    Moon
    Thread

    [Be] Bellator - Will
    Berri
    Dys
    Minj
    Rob

    [Aq] Aquila - Will
    Hare
    Urm
    Val

    The Rotation for the month of November 2017 is:

    [Be] -> [Aq] -> [Oc] -> [Be]

    Please post your thread titles beginning with your grading group, then the week number, like follows:
    [Ca] Week 01: Title Should Be Here

    Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday

  2. #2
    That One Guy Apeiron's Avatar
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    I know you weren’t terribly happy with this piece, but having read it a couple of times the biggest issue I see is pacing. We get to see Laebuta, having survived the little spat with the other archmagi, keep chugging along and being more useful than he thought. And while it is unfortunate what happened to Exarch, the man went down fighting, and we may be down another archmagi… maybe (probably… pretty likely).

    I said the biggest issue was pacing, and that largely stems from the fact that you cut away from the party when you could have stayed with them the whole time like you did with the last chapter. Would the writing be a little slower? Yeah, undoubtedly, but you would have probably enjoyed the result a lot more. By showing us the party talking about what they could do and cutting away, you took away the execution of that plan.

    Now, I’ve seen books that do that sort of thing, but they also do it with some big dramatic reveal. Some unique tactic the world has never seen, some piece of equipment, but something nonetheless.

    The second cut-away didn’t help either, and this time I think it’s because it causes this jarring realization that the first cutaway that gives us the viewpoint of the janu… isn’t actually the janu’s viewpoint. In which case, why weren’t we just staying with the original party? How much better might that have ended, if Laebuta followed Gallus up the stairs helping keep the poison out of him and witnessed Sophie’s death only to turn around and realize at what cost that victory took?

    But yeah, cutaways and pacing, that’s pretty much it. Otherwise solid writing.
    Last edited by Apeiron; 11-07-2017 at 10:03 PM.

  3. #3
    The Lurker <span style='color: #FFFFFF'><span class='glow_008080'>swaswj</span></span>'s Avatar
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    Freshly Minted Scars (1785)

    This chapter is familiar and yet new, a good balance to strike where the character's mannerisms are recognizable, there's a clear theme to their stories, but new things are happening. Some of the description as Amanita is getting ready for the bath is short and sharp, which contrasts the impression of something soothing and relaxing. Bear in mind the visual element of pacing where you lead the reader's eyes down the page and creating pauses with commas and periods. That small note aside, the amount of description in this chapter was just shy of too much, but it does give us a great picture of your characters, the setting, and your little friend at the end there.

    +75 Faction

    Fin 172/179 + 50 FB

    The First Ritual (1049)

    This may be the first time I've seen somewhat write about creating their phylactery rather than just describing one they have, and I'm glad that you did. This was pretty intriguing and amusing. The idea of the phylactery being a book, especially one of Inillis' dime novels, is something I would never have thought of, but seems perfect.

    A minor correction of lore for you: you are imbuing the whole (or better part of the) soul into the phylactery. As long as the soul is outside your body (in the phylactery) it is possible to break a piece off to use for animating a corpse. Without the phylactery, the soul stays in your body, and cannot be divided.

    +75 Faction Bonus

    Urm 100/105 + 75 FB

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