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Thread: Grading Session for Week 169

  1. #1
    The Lurker <span style='color: #FFFFFF'><span class='glow_008080'>swaswj</span></span>'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2014

    Grading Session for Week 169

    [Be] -> [Oc] -> [Aq] -> [Be]

    The grading groups and their graders are currently as follows:

    [Ca] Castus - Inactive Members

    Castus List

    [Oc] Occultus - Will

    [Be] Bellator - Will

    [Aq] Aquila - Will

    The Rotation for the month of November 2017 is:

    [Be] -> [Aq] -> [Oc] -> [Be]

    Please post your thread titles beginning with your grading group, then the week number, like follows:
    [Ca] Week 01: Title Should Be Here

    Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday

  2. #2
    The Lurker <span style='color: #FFFFFF'><span class='glow_008080'>swaswj</span></span>'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    PM: Gathered Ashes

    Sorry I didn't realize this was finished when I did grading last week. Dys only let me know after I had finished. I don't actually have a whole lot to say about this. I was surprised by how little was actually healed during the collab, and I get the impression you guys thought I'd be GM-writing out the finale of the PMs. Sorry if I gave that impression -- I intended to fast-forward, but I still wanted you guys to be involved in the ultimate resolution of the story.

    I read the deleted Aelflead turn. I'm not quite sure why it was deleted, but I'll leave it out of the grading. I can't give any bonus since your total for the week was under 1k (even if I add that in).

    Dys (1835) 365/368 +50 FB
    Moon (1126) 225/226 +50 FB
    Zechs (354) 70/71

    Just Add Salt (1778)

    One recurring rankle to redress and reduce is redundancy. I mean this both for some more explicit redundancy, like the below, and also reiterating the same detail frequently. Repeating themes can increase their impact, but if it's not thematic, it can be distracting.
    "…noise emanated out from…"
    "The force of the impact forced her back…"
    "She lunged forward with another stab…"

    I liked the creativity in the fight, and the daemon's speech is annoying but humorous in how out of place it is. Amanita really had to put in a lot of work for this victory, and that made it more satisfying. The casual anticlimax from Galerina's comment made for great icing on the cake. It's held back by the numerous small typos and missing or additional words in places, though. Your work is usually more polished than this.

    Fin 160/178 +50 FB

    A Pair on the Q.T. (4021)

    It's fiction, so of course I don't expect you to be an expert on everything you write. Some of the most-famous stories have glaring inaccuracies, some that became quite ubiquitous, like iron/steel swords being formed from molten metal poured into a die cast. This isn't writing critique, it's just an interesting process I thought I'd describe: when Ignis mentions developing the photo, she speaks as if she just set the film into one batch of chemicals for an hour or two, then hung them up to dry. It's really a multi-step process. Photo film itself is coated in chemicals that react to light, creating the latent image when the picture is taken (and ruining if exposed to more light before developing). The first chemical bath you put the film into will 'develop' the film, making the latent image visible. Then there's a second chemical bath which will counteract the first one, halting the development process. The third chemical bath will 'fix' the image in place -- it disables the light sensitivity of the chemicals on the original film so that it doesn't get ruined when exposed. Then the fixed photos are rinsed of excess chemicals and dried. It would actually require a fair amount of attention on Ignis' part to keep things moving all the way up to the rinsing/drying part. If Ignis developed negatives first, she could use those to create multiple copies of positives, with or without Amanita's knowledge.

    Credit where it's due, the code-breaking was good. I actually solved it on my own before reading the rest of the collab, and my path of reasoning aligned pretty closely to theirs -- although I deciphered letters/words in different orders, and benefitted from case-sensitive find-and-replace (see my lame notes). Really enjoyed the whole collab, and the interplay between Ignis being helpful but nosy, and Amanita being imperious but naïve, makes it entertaining. The 'did she just?' reaction from Ignis before Amanita left for two hours made me chuckle. Clever, funny, and intriguing.

    My Notes

    I F-T H E-P E O P L E-T H A T-B O R R O W E D-M O N E Y-C A N ' T-P A Y,-I N C R E A S E-T H E I R-P E N A L T I E S.-W E-W A N T-T H E M-T O-D E F A U L T.

    vv = T
    mq = E
    pc = I
    rl = F
    jy = W
    wj = O
    ae = P
    fd = L
    np = A
    hf = U
    ka = D
    lu = Y
    yh = N
    so = C
    gs = M
    cb = R
    ew = B
    on = S

    Fin 201/201 +50 FB
    Dys 201/201 +50 FB

    Journey In Darkness (2711)

    Regarding the opening line: this isn't wrong in a technical sense, but I think if you removed "had just" and "still" from the first line, this would work better. Using those words feels like it's referencing something that was said before it, but it's the first line.

    On to the meat of the story itself. I'm glad to see this story back on the rails, first off. The setup has potential, with the two fugitives among a den of other unsavory types in the sky, chasing after yet another criminal. Despite Furi's assurances, there's a pretty real risk of someone backstabbing someone else. The biggest wrench here is Furi's demeanor, though.

    Your character is your character, and it's in Furi's nature to be cocky, rude, and edgy. However, it undermines your story when Furi utterly fails to react to anything with more than mild annoyance. Perhaps not as bloodthirsty, but some classic outlaw types you might want to look at are the Cowboy Bebop crew or Han Solo. Generally, they're competent, confident, and at times can be rude. Not afraid to do underhanded things to win, but, and this is a big but, the reason they survive in that kind of rough lifestyle is because they're always wary. Han doesn't just say, "Fuck off, Greedo, or I'll shoot you," or "You remember what happened last time, right, Jabba?"

    The reason I bring this up is because it really changes the tone of some of the actions here. Furi acts like she owns the place and everyone pretty well follows along with that -- but she's a passenger like any other, this isn't her bar where everyone's on her payroll. As a bounty huntress/assassin, she's probably pretty low down the totem pole of criminal activities, as well. Dangerous, perhaps, but not necessarily profitable for other people to work with. I'm not saying Furi should be afraid -- that's not in her nature. Being ready to handle problems isn't the same as inviting problems, though, and since she is always inviting problems, she should be dealing with a lot more of them. Too many people back down from her.

    Right now, if this was a movie I'd be expecting Furi to be the next character to die, to show the price of hubris and increase the threat level of the baddies, while Aeria is the plucky underdog who somehow has to escape alive. I think you'd rather Furi be the "do what I say if you want to stay alive" character, though.

    Moon 132/136 +50 FB

    Vin 129/136 +50 FB

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