10th [Week 94] Saito Tasogare

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Aim Screen Name: ImBurningStarIV9
Email demonicsoul@gmail.com
Name (First, Last): Saito Tasogare

Age (At Death):25 (Appearance):21 (Years spent in soul society):58

Persona: Saito is a calm, normally shy, person. However, he used to be bright and cheerful all the time, but that was long ago. Saito's youthful cheer and light-hearted personality faded after the death of his wife, Mikiro. It can still be seen when he is out of battle, but it is not as vibrant as it used to be. Saito believes that he has gotten over Mikiro's death, but there are times when he is overtaken by complete despair in her memory. Saito tends to try finding time to socialize, but he usually ends up taking walks by himself, making it seem like he is searching for something, or someone, important. He enjoys being alone to think, especially at dusk. Saito has been found to have violent episodes of rage when dealing with excessive amounts of pressure. When around friends he tries his best to enjoy himself but he is very formal and proper when around officials, but he always tends to be very harsh on himself, though never doubtful of his actions.

In battle, Saito undergoes a drastic change. He tends to be eager and ready to rush to the aid of whoever is in need. Comparatively, he can be considered vicious when taking down enemies, showing little mercy or pity, killing in a cold, nonchalant way. It seems that he uses battle psychologically to let out all of the built up sorrow and rage over his two greatest losses.

Physical Stature:
Saito stands around 6'3. His hair is long and smooth, flowing down past his shoulders to the middle of his back. The peculiar thing about his hair is; no one has ever been able to determine the exact color. It has a dark black hue, but there are times when there appears to be a deep blood red tint to it. There are a few strands that naturally come down over his face, dangling down, flowing in even the slightest breeze. His skin has a slightly tan complexion and accentuates his almost unnaturally hazel blue eyes.

Saito bears two tattoos that can only be seen when his palms are up, being the word Dawn written on his left wrist, and Dusk inked in on his right. Saito wears his shinigami clothing a little looser than normal, but it still covers his only scar, extending on his back from his left shoulder in a light crescent down to the bottom right corner of his back.

Division and Seat:
10th Division (Unseated)

Zanpakutou: Saito's sword has a 10" red padded hilt with the guard being an altered katana rectangle. The corners of the guard are slightly pointed, forming an elongated 4 pointed star. The blade of the katana is 32" and slightly curved. Strangely, the sword always appears to have a polished luster, no matter how many times it is used. This same luster reflects sun and moonlight when held at the perfect angle on clear days.

The blade is just a little light for its size, providing Saito with more movement speed. Contrary to speed, the length makes him a little less dexterous than most other shinigami, for he is still trying to find a way to optimize his speed and flexibility.

Biography: Born and raised in a small town on the outskirts of a Japanese business district, Saito has led a moderate lifestyle his entire life. He was left to fend for himself, after his parents died when he was 17. The same year, he met his first love Mikiro one day while lying on his roof. She was walking by to the city and became curious about the peculiar man sleeping on the roof of a house. She climbed up to join him and they ended up becoming friends very quickly.They later married when they were both 20, living together in Saito's house, until she died two years after their marriage. In the most peculiar twist of fate, she died of what seems to have been the same unknown disease that claimed his parents' life.

Saito then spent a year in seclusion from society, trying to cope with his loss. He often pondered what the deadly disease surrounding his life was. He wondered why it was so fond of him, and why the doctors did not seem to like it. After the deaths of both his parents and Mikiro, the doctors abruptly stopped trying to identify the disease, as if they were expected to conceal the truth. On his 24th birthday, he decided that what happened had happened for a reason, and that Mikiro would be ashamed to see him in such a depressed state, after all of the laughter and good times they shared. Saito got out of his depression and went back out to travel and find his place in the world. But the day before he left, he found a young girl asleep on his porch. She would soon be his next love, his best friend, and the fuel for feeding his fires of sorrow.

Saito died a tragic death, having seen the death of his mother, father, wife, and new love all die before him. But it was in death, that Saito learned a great lesson. He had died with sword in hand, showing him that it was useless to feel sorry for oneself, and that one must always fight to reach their goal.

Saito spent a decade or two in the Rukongai before heading off to the Shinigami academy. With unwavering resolve he vowed he would become a Shinigami, never to stop fighting for his goal.

Stats:

Reiatsu: 100
Zanjutsu: 35
Hakuda: 10
Hohou: 35
Kidou: 20
Connection: 0


Sample Chapter: "Eternal Dusk"
Word Count: 2111

The sun rose over the sleeping frame of the Tasogare house. The fields glistened with fresh morning dew and the scent of grass was the only fragrance available for miles. An autumn wind blew through the crisp air to create a slightly cold breeze. But once again, the sun was late. The only resident of the house, Saito Tasogare, had already woken and was sitting on the roof of his single floor, two roomed house.

"Another day, another dawn. One more reason to stay right here," Saito sighed, laying back on the slanted tiles of his roof. He had been contemplating the idea of traveling the country, trying to find his place in life in Mikiro's honor. Quietly he climbed down from the roof and went down through the back door to make himself some breakfast.

The day was just beginning and he had already had time for an argument with himself. Saito was torn between the decision of either leaving the house for the sake of Mikiro's happiness, or staying for the sake of her memory.

"Ah, what now? Mikiro, what do you want me to do? Please, give me some sort of sign...." his voice trailed off as he hoped his plea was heard. She loved Saito's house and knew every corner of it. She would spend long nights with Saito in the corner of some room, just sitting and talking. They would sit together on the roof to watch the sunset and sunrise sometimes. Now, only her memory remains in the life barren rooms of this home.

Mikiro is Saito's late wife and first love. They married at the age of 20 after they had known each other for three years. Strangely though, an illness over came Mikiro and she died exactly two years after their marriage, on their anniversary. It was a crushing blow for Saito's spirit. She was the source of joy in his life and now it seemed to him that all that was pure had died. What disturbed him to no end was that the disease that claimed Mikiro's life seemed to be the same one that had taken the life of his parents. The symptoms where the same. High fever, reddening and irritation of skin, loss of vision, increased heart rate, periods of intense heat, periods of intense cold, then finally, the heart stops beating. As if to be frozen in time, the heart rate of over 200 beats a minute comes to an abrupt halt and the bystander is left alone in cold, sickening silence.

"Well, this is just unproductive. I need to do something. I can't stand here and wait all day for an answer." Saito said, getting up to go to his room. Walking though the door, he tripped over a bag on the floor, falling on his face.

"Ouch, right, forgot that was there. I must have been pretty set on going last night," he mumbled to himself as he looked at his packed bag of travel clothing. He stood up and as he brushed his hair away from his face. As he looked around, he went rigid when he saw what was hanging over his bed.

A sheathed sword hung on the wall. The sheath and hilt were both a swirl of white and black. It was a gift from Mikiro's father, being the only thing he ever gave Saito, hating him for taking away his daughter. He hated Saito even more now, two years after her death.

Saito slowly walked over and took the sword from the wall. He held the cold sheath in his left hand. He tried to draw the blade but could not. It seemed locked in place, surrounded by a dense aura the moment he touched the hilt. The message was clear to Saito, and he knew that he was not to draw the sword until its time had come. Instead of putting it away he placed it in his sash and carried it around with him as he picked up his bag and wallet. He headed for the door knowing that if he did not leave now to find a new source of happiness, Mikiro would never forgive him for wallowing in his sorrow.

He headed to the kitchen for the set of provisions he had made last night. Silently, he walked to the door, grabbing his coat. Taking one look back at their home, he walked out, hoping only to return when his quest was done. With the will to finally move on, he turned around to begin the first steps of his journey to find closure and finally live his life again. With great anticipation, Saito took his first step toward a new life.

He stopped. Not because of doubt though, but because of what he saw on his porch. Lying asleep in front of his house was a young girl. He knew her. She was an orphan, living on her own. Everyday she walked by his house to go to the university down in town. They had met before, but she had never told him her name.

"That's one hell of a sign Mikiro," he managed to say with a light chuckle. Suddenly he found himself amazed. It had been the first time he sincerely laughed in months. "This has to be a sign of something good."

Saito went over and knelt down. He pushed aside the bag she had with her. Apparently it was filled with clothes and provisions as well.

"Hey, um, wake up," Saito whispered. "Wow this is awkward," he strengthened his grip and lightly shook her a bit.

The girl yawned slowly and turned to her side. Her face was a snowy white that was partially covered by her long blond hair. She slowly parted the hair covering her eyes and saw the curious face of Saito.

"Oh, good morning..." she smiled, "I guess your kind of wondering why I was asleep on your porch," she yawned while trying to sit up. "Well, you see, I had no where to go last night because I couldn't pay my rent. So, um, sorry. I hope you don't mind," though a bit tired, her voice was sweet and relaxing.

"Um, no, not really, but it's pretty cold out. Do you want to come in?" Saito asked.

"Oh, no, I don't want to burden you. I'll be on my way," as she said this she tried getting up, but failed. She fell back down and winced in pain. Saito looked down to see that her ankle had been twisted slightly and would need care.

"That doesn't look to good miss....I'm sorry, I don't know your name," Saito replied embarrassed.

"Its Karin, Karin Mayonaka, but I'm fine, really." Karin started.

"No, you need medical care Miss Mayonaka, please let me help you," Saito replied as he swiftly slid his arms under her slender frame and lifted her up.

"Oh, well, thank you then. But please, call me Karin, mister..."

"Tasogare, Saito Tasogare, a pleasure to meet you Karin," Saito smiled as he carried her inside and laid her down to rest on the second bed. He then went out to the back to get some firewood, thinking to himself how strange it was that she showed up on his doorstep. It didn't matter though, for he went back inside and tried to be gentle while making a splint for her left leg.

"How interesting," she started in a questioning tone. This caught Saito's attention as he was tying the splint together. "Oh, no, it's nothing important. I just thought it was funny that we met. My name meaning midnight and yours meaning...dusk is it?"

Saito laughed a little, "Why yes, that is a little peculiar."

Karin stayed with Saito for a while, waiting for her leg to recover. But it only took three days for Saito to notice that Karin was different. She seemed to always be in deep thought but when he asked about it, it was always something unexpected, such as wondering what the spring rain tasted like or why the full moon was so hypnotizing on an autumn night. Saito was amazed when he saw this, mainly because she was exactly like Mikiro.

"Tasogare-san, you always seem to be depressed," Karin asked one evening while they were having tea. Her leg was almost fully recovered, and she could walk again. "May I ask why?"

"Oh, well you see, two years ago my wife died of an unknown disease. She was the only person I had left in my life." Saito replied, trying not to sound sullen.

Looking behind Saito, Karin saw a picture hanging on the wall of a beautiful woman with light skin, flowing black hair, a gentle face, and the deepest blue eyes she had ever seen. Under that picture hung the sword that once used to be the bedroom.

"Is that her?" she asked pointing behind her, asking about the portrait for the first time

"Yes, it is. It's so tragic, we were only married for two years," Saito could no longer hide his despair now.

"Tasogare-san, please stop," Karin begged gently. Saito was caught off guard by this and did not know what she meant.

"You need to know," she continued, "that even though she may be gone, there is no reason to despair. If the love you had was true then she wouldn't want to see you in sorrow over her death. Everyone has a field of hope within them, even you. Never forget that. She was a ray of joy for you, lighting up the fields of your soul. Even after her death, you may have been left with only one grain, but with time and care, that grain will grow, and your hope will flourish again. I'll make sure of it." Her voice was firm but still gentle, and her words moved him.

"She's right. I can't let myself succumb to this anymore. Mikiro, for you I will live," Saito thought to himself.

"Here, let me get you some more tea." Karin said but they both stood up. When they did, everything felt heavier, and the picture behind Saito fell.

He went to catch it, but caught the sword instead. About to pick up the picture frame, he heard Karin scream behind him and felt something spray across his back. Looking up, he saw a silhouette of his figure on the white wall where the picture had been. The blood spattered edges were blazing a deep crimson red that made him sick. He dared not look, but he knew he had to. With a feeling of despair building up he turned around in time to see Karin's now bloody body, floating lightly above ground, be tossed to the corner of the room.

He could not see his foe but it did not matter. At this point, everything was gone, and there was no point in waiting to die. Rage filled every fiber of his being and with surprising ease, he drew the blade. Looking down, he saw the family name "Reimei" etched into the blade. Saito smiled a dark smile.

"Twilight, huh? I'm sorry Mikiro, but I'm more fond of dusk." He whispered, hoping her spirit heard him.

Saito charged, sword raised, at what he did not know. Finally accepting the hand that fate dealt him, he was ready. And so it was done. He felt something pierce his back and fell. He was kicked, thrown to the corner of the room Karin was in. The same corner the emergency bed was when Mikiro died. The same corner that she always sat in to ponder her thoughts on life while Saito was at work. The corner where all Saito's joy began, and where it would finally end.

"I'll join you soon Mikiro, but I'm sorry I couldn't follow you guidance. Forgive me." Saito was losing consciousness fast, but he could hear it echoing in his head. Karin's words were resonating with such clarity and strength, "Everyone has a field of hope, even you. Never forget that....never forget...."

The moment he saw Karin's corpse, someone lit his field on fire. The field that Karin had worked so hard on to grow to its expanse. But now his soul had grown strong enough to put out the fire by itself, and they could move on, together in forever sleep.

The sun was past setting. There was still some light left in the sky but not much. The wind blew gently through the fields as fireflies flew in zigzags across the ground. The night was silent. Though this time, it cannot truly be called night. It was all said and done in one fateful, eternal dusk.

*Changed some sentence structure and paragraphed more. Managed to clean up some mistakes as well. Also added to Bio and Zanpaktou sections. Reviews are still welcome, thanks.*
 

AngryPolkaBoy

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Uh huh...

Can't say I'm not surprised it happened (in general I mean), but the rules have changed during the last week, and I guess you missed it: your thread's title should be
[10th] Week 94: Saito Tasogare
Contact a mod and ask them to change it.

I'll review this when I get a chance. :D
 
B

bittman

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Hellooooooo~ Welcome to the BFRP, I am your friendly neighbourhood spiderman (pending). I looked over your application just quickly and placed comments in Green and certain errors I found in Blue. Sorry if my review wasn't really complete, but I feel you could complete your own review on the comments I made. ^_^d
Name (First, Last): Saito Tasogare

Age (At Death):25 (Appearance):21 (Years spent in soul society):58

Persona: Saito is a calm, normally shy, person. (Saito is normally a calm and shy person./However," ) He used to be bright and cheerful all the time, but that was long ago. Saito's youthful cheer and lighthearted ("light-hearted" ) personality faded after the death of his wife, Mikiro. It can still be seen when he is out of battle, but it is not as vibrant as it used to be. Saito believes that he has gotten over her Mikiro's ("over Mikiro's" ) death, but there are times when he is overtaken by complete despair in her memory. Saito tends to try finding time to socialize, but he usually ends up taking walks by himself, making it seem like he is searching for something, or someone, important. He enjoys being alone to think, especially at dusk. Saito has been found to have violent episodes of rage when dealing with excessive amounts of pressure. When around friends he tries his best to enjoy himself but he is very formal and proper when around officials. Saito tends to be very harsh on himself, but never doubtful of his actions. In battle, Saito undergoes a drastic change. He tends to be eager and ready to rush to the aid of whoever is in need. Saito can also be considered vicious when taking down enemies, showing little mercy or pity, killing in a cold, nonchalant way. It seems that he uses battle psychologically to let out all of the built up sorrow and rage over his two greatest losses.
General Comment: Needs paragraphing and in general it is probably better to merge some of your much smaller sentences into one sentence, but otherwise very nice persona.

Physical Stature:
Saito stands around 6'3. His hair is long and smooth, flowing down past his shoulders to the middle of his back. The peculiar thing about his hair is; no one has ever been able to determine the exact color. It has a dark black hue, but there are times when there appears to be a deep blood red tint to it. There are a few strands that naturally come down over his face, dangling down, flowing in even the slightest breeze. His skin has a slightly tan complexion and accentuates his almost unnaturally hazel blue eyes. Saito bears two tattoos. When his palms are up, you can see the word Dawn written on his left wrist, and Dusk inked in on his right. Saito wears his shinigami clothing a little looser than normal, but it still covers his only scar, extending on his back from his left shoulder in a light crescent down to the bottom right corner of his back.
General Comments: Again, it could use longer, merged sentences and perhaps paragraph it rather than have a block of text.

Division and Seat:
10th Division (Unseated)
Oh sure, join the popular division <_< (joking~)
Zanpakutou: Saito's sword has a 10" red padded hilt with the guard being a normal katana rectangle, with slightly pointed corners, forming an elongated, rectangular, 4 pointed star. The blade of the katana is 32" and slightly curved. Strangely, the sword always appears to have a polished luster, no matter how many times it is used.
General Comments: The first sentence burned my eyes @_@. Space it out into two sentences or less commas.

Biography: Born and raised in a small town on the outskirts of a Japanese business district, Saito has led a moderate lifestyle his entire life. He was left to fend for himself, after his parents died when he was 17. He met and later married his wife Mikiro when he was 20. They lived together in Saito's house, until she died two years after their marriage. Strangely enough, she died of what seems to have died of the same unknown disease that claimed his parents' life. Saito then spent a year in seclusion from society, trying to cope with his loss. On his 24th birthday, he decided that what happened had happened for a reason, and that Mikiro would be ashamed to see him in such a depressed state, after all of the laughter and good times they shared. Saito got out of his depression and went back out to travel and find his place in the world. But the day before he left, he found a young girl asleep on his porch. She would soon be his next love, his best friend, and the fuel for feeding his fires of sorrow.
General Comments: Couldn't help but feeling the "He met and later married his wife Mikiro when he was 20" sentence needs expansion. "Strangely enough" could be reinforced stronger with terms like "Resembling a weird twist of fate," . Again too many commas at one point and I would like a bit about how he died in the bio (even if it is in the sample chapter) and/or why/how he became a shinigami. I'm sure if you add that, you will again need to paragraph.

Stats:

Reiatsu: 100
Zanjutsu: 35
Hakuda: 10
Hohou: 35
Kidou: 20
Connection: 0
General Comments: Nothing much to say really, some people may tell you weird things about stats but ignore them ^_^d

Sample Chapter: "Eternal Dusk"
Word Count: 2053

The sun rose over the sleeping frame of the Tasogare house. The fields glistened with fresh morning dew and the scent of grass was the only fragrance available for miles. Wind blew though the crisp air, creating a slightly cold, autumn breeze. (Sometimes I feel your ordering of words could be better. Something like "An autumn wind blew through the crisp air to create a slightly cold breeze" )

But once again, the sun was late. The only resident of the house, Saito Tasogare, had already woken and was sitting on the roof of his single floor, two roomed house. (merge this and earlier paragraph)

"Another day, another dawn. One more reason to stay right here," Saito sighed, laying back on the slanted tiles of his roof. He had been contemplating the idea of traveling the country, trying to find his place in life in Mikiro's honor. Quietly he climbed down from the roof and went down through the back door to make himself some breakfast.

The day was just beginning and he had already had time for an argument with himself. Saito was torn between the decision of either leaving the house for the sake of Mikiro's happiness, or staying for the sake of her memory.

"Ah, what now? Mikiro, what do you want me to do? Please, give me some sort of sign...." his voice trailed off as he hoped his plea was heard. She loved Saito's house and knew every corner of it. She would spend long nights with Saito in the corner of some room, just sitting and talking. They would sit together on the roof to watch the sunset and sunrise sometimes. Now, only her memory remains in the life barren rooms of this home.

Mikiro is Saito's late wife and first love. They married at the age of 20 after they had known each other for four years. Strangely though, an illness over came Mikiro and she died exactly two years after their marriage, on their anniversary. It was a crushing blow for Saito's spirit. She was the source of joy in his life and now it seemed that all that was pure had died in his life. What disturbed him to no end was though, that the disease that claimed Mikiro's life seemed to be the same one that had taken the life of his parents. The symptoms where the same. High fever, reddening and irritation of skin, loss of vision, increased heart rate, periods of intense heat, periods of intense cold, then finally, the heart stops beating. As if to be frozen in time, the heart rate of over 200 beats a minute comes to an abrupt halt and the bystander is left alone in cold, sickening silence.

"Well, this is just unproductive, I need to do something. I can't stand here and wait all day for an answer." Saito said, getting up to go to his room. Walking thought ("through" ) the door, he tripped over a bag on the floor, falling on his face.

"Ouch, right, forgot that was there. I must have been pretty set on going last night," he mumbled to himself as he looked at his packed bag of travel clothing. He stood up and as he brushed his hair away from his face. As he looked around, he went rigid when he saw what was hanging over his bed.

A sheathed sword hung on the wall. The sheath and hilt were both a swirl of white and black. It was a gift from Mikiro's father, being the only thing he ever gave Saito, hating him for taking away his daughter. He hated Saito even more now, two years after her death.

Saito slowly walked over and took the sword from the wall. He held the cold sheath in his left hand. He tried to draw the blade but could not. It seemed locked in place, surrounded by a dense aura the moment he touched the hilt. The message was clear to Saito, and he knew that he was not to draw the sword until its time had come.

Instead of putting it away he placed it in his sash and carried it around with him as he picked up his bag and wallet. He headed for the door knowing that if he did not leave now to find a new source of happiness, Mikiro would never forgive him for wallowing in his sorrow.

He headed to the kitchen for the set of provisions he had made last night. Silently, he walked to the door, and grabbed his coat. Taking one look back at their home, he walked out, hoping only to return when his quest was done.

With the will to finally move on, he turned around to begin the first steps of his journey to find closure and finally live his life again. With great anticipation, Saito took his first step toward a new life.

He stopped. Not because of doubt though, but because of what he saw on his porch.

Lying asleep in front of his house was a young girl. He knew her. She was an orphan, but she was living on her own. Everyday she walked by his house to go to the university down in town. They had met before, but she had never told him her name.

"That's one hell of a sign Mikiro," he managed to say with a light chuckle. Suddenly he found himself amazed. It had been the first time he sincerely laughed in months. "This has to be a sign of something good."

Saito went over and knelt down. He pushed aside the bag she had with her. Apparently it was filled with clothes and provisions as well.

"Hey, um, wake up," Saito whispered. "Wow this is awkward," he strengthened his grip and lightly shook her a bit.

The girl yawned slowly and turned to her side. Her face was a snowy white that was partially covered by her long blond hair. She slowly parted the hair covering her eyes and saw the curious face of Saito.

"Oh, good morning..." she smiled, "I guess your kind of wondering why I was asleep on your porch," she yawned while trying to sit up. "Well, you see, I had no where to go last night, because I couldn't pay my rent. So, um, sorry, I hope you don't mind," though a bit tired, her voice was sweet and relaxing.

"Um, no, not really, but its pretty cold out, do you want to come in?" Saito asked.

"Oh, no, no, I don't want to burden you. I'll be on my way," as she said this she tried getting up, but failed. She fell back down and winced in pain. Saito looked down to see that her ankle had been twisted slightly and would need care.

"That doesn't look to good miss....I'm sorry, I don't know your name," Saito replied embarrassed.

"Its Karin, Karin Mayonaka, but I'm fine really," Karin started.

"No, really, you need medical care Miss Mayonaka, please let me help you," Saito replied as he swiftly slid his arms under her slender frame and lifted her up.

"Oh, well, thank you then. But please, call me Karin, mister..."

"Tasogare, Saito Tasagare, a pleasure to meet you Karin," Saito smiled as he carried her inside and laid her down to rest on the second bed.

Saito put her down and went out to the back to get some firewood. The entire time, he thought to himself how strange it was that she showed up on his door now. Either way, he went back inside and tried to be gentle while making a splint for her left leg.

"How interesting," she started in a questioning tone. This caught Saito's attention as he was tying the splint together. "Oh, no, it's nothing important. I just thought it was funny that we met. My name meaning midnight and yours meaning...dusk is it?"

Saito laughed a little, "Why yes, that is a little peculiar."

Karin stayed with Saito for a while, waiting for her leg to recover. But it only took three days for Saito to notice that Karin was different. She seemed to always be in deep thought but when he asked about it, it was always something unexpected, such as wondering what the spring rain tasted like or why the full moon was so hypnotizing on an autumn night. When he saw this, Saito was amazed, because she was exactly like Mikiro.

"Tasogare-san, you always seem to be depressed," Karin asked one evening while they were having tea. Her leg was almost fully recovered, and she could walk again. "May I ask why?"

"Oh, well you see, two years ago, my wife died of an unknown disease. She was the only person I had left in my life." Saito replied, trying not to sound sullen.

Looking behind Saito, Karin saw on the wall a picture hanging of a beautiful woman with light skin, flowing black hair, a gentle face, and the deepest blue eyes she had ever seen. Under that picture hung the sword that once used to be the bedroom.

"Is that her?" she asked pointing behind her, asking about the portrait for the first time

"Yes, it is, it's so tragic, we were only married for two years," Saito could no longer hide his despair now.

"Tasogare-san, please stop," Karin begged gently. Saito was caught off guard by this and did not know what she meant.

"You need to know," she continued, "that even though she may be gone, there is no reason to despair. If the love you had was true then she wouldn't want to see you in sorrow over her death. Everyone has a field of hope, even you. Never forget that. She was a ray of joy for you, lighting up the fields of hope in your soul. Even after her death, you may have been left with only on grain in the field, but with time and care, that grain will grow, and your hope will flourish again. I'll make sure of it." Her voice was firm but still gentle, and her words moved him.

"She's right. I can't let myself succumb to this anymore. Mikiro, for you I will live," Saito thought to himself.

"Here, let me get you some more tea." Karin said but they both stood up. When they did, everything felt heavier, and the picture behind Saito fell.

He went to catch it, but caught he sword instead. About to pick up the picture frame, he heard Karin scream behind him and felt something spray across his back. Looking up, he saw a silhouette of his figure on the wall where the picture had been. The blood spattered edges were blazing a deep crimson red that made him sick. He dared not look, but he knew he had to. With closed eyes he turned around in time to see Karin's now bloody body, floating lightly above ground, be tossed to the corner of the room.

He could not see his foe but it did not matter. At this point, everything was gone, and there was no point in waiting to die. Rage filled every fiber of his being and with surprising ease, he drew the blade. Looking down, he saw the family name "Reimei" etched into the blade. Saito smiled.

"Twilight, huh? I'm sorry Mikiro, but I'm more fond of dusk." He whispered, hoping her spirit heard him.

Saito charged, sword raised, at what he did not know. Finally accepting the hand that fate dealt him, he was ready. And so it was done. He felt something pierce his back and fell.

"I'll join you soon. But I'm sorry Mikiro, I couldn't follow you guidance. Forgive me." Saito was losing consciousness fast, but it could hear it echoing in his head, Karin's words were resonating with such clarity and strength, "Everyone has a field of hope, even you. Never forget that....never forget...." The moment he saw Karin's corpse, someone lit his field on fire, but now, his soul had grow strong enough to put out the fire by itself, and now he could move on, with Karin, in forever sleep.

The sun was past setting. There was still some light left in the sky but not much. The wind blew gently through the fields. The fireflies flew in zigzags across the ground. The night was silent. Though this time, it cannot truly be called night. It was all said and done in one fateful, eternal dusk.

General comments: Wahhhh, 2k sample chapter~ I started reading it then realised that I figure I should just tell you more general things. Firstly, read over your own chapter again (see the 'through' error I found) as you sometimes find things that may not sound right. Secondly, when re-reading, look at your comma use and see how slow and broken up certain sentences appear. Thirdly, there are a lot of small paragraphs in the chapter which could benefit by being coupled with other paragraphs. Otherwise, I liked the fact that you had a mysterious attacker and a strange illness going on and can see that working into a good plot later down the road.

Ultimately, I felt this has a lot of potential and could get accepted with a bit of fine tuning. I like your character and his unusual appearance as well as his mixed personality. Just make sure you re-read through your own work carefully to look at your punctuation and if there are other grammar errors I couldn't find in the few minutes I had to look over it. Good luck dude~ ^_^d
 

shy_kyoichi

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An applicant to the 10th! *dances around*

I'll review your application later. And contact me in AIM.

EDIT:

Here's my comments:
  • Generally, the appilication's okay.
  • Needs some minor grammar checks.
  • Better paragraphing and phrasing would good.
  • Your zanpakutou description can be made better.
  • No need to comment on stats.
  • Follow Bitty's suggestions as he's a native english speaker. (I'm not)
 
P

PandaGod666

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Alright, I didn't see anything majorly wrong with this. I saw some tiny grammar errors like Bittz said, but I'm sure you've fixed that by now. >^.^< All in all I think its a good application, and since no one has really looked at this in a few days I'm guessing, I would just go ahead and submit. But maybe just wait two more days. Especially for our collab. ^_^V

[Oh and yeah, Tenth is the best division. It's probably the 1337357 Division, so yeah, good choice! >^.^<]

*Whoa you got 2 cat faces in a row! That doesn't happen very often!*
 

AngryPolkaBoy

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Tasogare Saito,

After consideration by the Application Acceptance Staff, your application to the Tenth Division was approved.

I suggest looking again at your Bio, since some sentences there were a bit weirdly worded (like "she died of what seems to have died of the same unknown disease that claimed his parents' life.", or "the doctors did not seem to like it." (maybe you meant 'know' instead of 'like', or something like that))
But there was nothing really 'wrong' in your application that we could frown upon.

Next time try harder if you want to get yourself disapproved 8D

I don't know why you keep reading this... go bug Char (your new captain), or write... or whatever it is you young people do. *walks away leaning on his cane*
 

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