[Week 89] Inoue Kiyomasa

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CinnamonTree

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Screen Name: bedtimeplus@gmail.com

Name: Inoue Kiyomasa (English format)

Age: 17

Persona: Inoue is generally cheerful and enjoys speaking his mind, even if doing this does tend to earn him bad first impressions. Inoue also enjoys thinking, but this trait doesn't show through very much with his light demeanor.

Like his exterior, deep down he is still very much a child with his largely idealistic notions of morality. Of course he isn't naÁƒ ¯ve enough to believe the world operates by these concepts as well, which is why he doesn't appear to enforce them in daily situations and also why one wouldn't be likely to see this emerge, but his core personality does more or less revolve around these fanciful concepts, consciously or otherwise.

This inner-childlike naivety would probably be his largest flaw as well because when it does emerge, it leaves him easily exploitable and since his modus operandi is largely based on these inherent ideals, he finds it hard to make choices in morally grey areas; an area where, unfortunately, one practically stays in in this line of work.

Physical stature: His height is average (around 175cm) with, also, an average build. His features aren't especially striking, but still good looking nonetheless. Perhaps the feature that attracts one's attention first is his jet-black eyes. The pupils look almost abysmal and seem to hide an ancient depth beyond his years. (Which they don't, that's just how they look)

His hair is medium-long with the back close to reaching his shoulders and tinted with a hue between grey and silver, leaning more towards the grey end. Despite it's length though, it does somehow manage to maintain a surprisingly stylish messy look whose slight, messed-up fringe helps to skillfully frame his eyes so that instead of looking mysterious, now exude an air of mischievousness which helps him become more approachable.

He wears the standard Shinigami gear. Inoue looks 17, a largely teenager-ish appearance peppered with slight hints of maturity.

Division and seat: 12th division, unseated.

Zanpakutou: His Zanpakutou unfortunately looks rather un-assuming and is very much your standard katana. When unsheathed however, one would see that the blade itself is entirely white with no hint of metallic grays, silvers or any other color at all for that matter. Essentially, it is simply a pure, white form.

Biography: Inoue was born in Soul Society, but was abandoned as an infant and found himself growing up as a child in the slummiest districts of Rukongai. Since young, Inoue realized that in order to survive he had to do whatever was necessary, an almost natural instinct to survive which was further spurred on by the harsh surroundings.

But he found solace from these extreme conditions in the form of friends, illiterate children of the slums like him. They got together and formed a small band of sorts, and for the first time in his life Inoue felt happiness.

Then every single one of them was murdered.

Inoue was spared death when a passing Shinigami saved him. Unfortunately by the time she arrived, it was already too late for the others. She took him in as her own, gave him a name and taught him how to read, write as well as the finer arts of personal hygiene. Eventually Inoue was taught basic Kidou and swordcraft as well, both of which she saw immense potential in. Thus from henceforth, she began to groom him for the path to becoming a full-fledged Shinigami like herself.

The day she sent him to the Shinigami academy however was the last time he ever saw her. Why she had abandoned him he did not know, and this did leave repercussions on him which he eventually got over with as time past and graduation drew closer.

Stats:

Reiatsu: 100
Zanjutsu: 40
Hakuda: 10
Hohou: 35
Kidou: 15
Connection: 0

Sample Chapter:

Shinigami.
1353 words

The dojo was about as large as half a football field and each of the four walls came together to form the square of a room. The floor was covered with rectangular sections of tatami. It wasn't hard to see that in some places pieces of the flooring had come off, no doubt because of the constant scraping of student's bare feet while training. The entrance of the dojo itself consisted of two sliding doors with old and yellowed paper screens upon which the shadows of those seeking to enter were displayed upon against the bright afternoon sun.

The doors themselves were surprisingly easy to open, unlike what one would expect of sliding doors with age whereby a little excess in force was required before the doors even budged. Despite the obvious lack of windows, the room itself wasn't stuffy, and was in fact rather airy, probably due to some unseen form of air circulation system in place within the dojo itself. Still, the air here was salted with the slight tinge of sweat. The smell, together with the old furnishings, gave the room a real sense of age.

" You're just not trying bloody hard enough!"

This was where Inoue and the rest of the class were having their last lesson for the day. This was also where Inoue was, at present, getting severely beaten on by his instructor: Elijah Snow. Ex-spetznaz in life and active member of the 12th division.

He was taller and bigger built than the average man with a short crop of graying hair and distinctly European features peppered with bristle that helped to frame these features. Despite his mildly aged appearance, one could still see shades of the handsome young man, which he undoubtedly once was, peeping through. There was an air of quiet authority about the man which Inoue found himself awed by.

Inoue has always looked towards him as a role model of sorts and they've always had a regal master-student relationship, though one would not guess this with the insults they tend to throw at each other in jest. Yes, they are master and pupil, but this relationship does often spill over to encompass friendship as well.

At the same time, this didn't make it particularly easy for Inoue to forget that the man was still an active agent of the 12th division. The realization that he was in fact a seated officer of the 12th made him feel intimidated and it is that fear which helps to maintain an invisible barrier between the two despite their friendship. Because although they were friends, Snow was still an immediate superior and demanded a measure of respect from Inoue, especially in formal situations, like the lesson at hand. A sudden sharp pain shooting forth from the general direction of his ribcage brought Inoue spiraling back to reality.

The sudden jolt of pain made Inoue want to double over. He resisted the urge, grabbed at the handle of the wooden practice blade harder and swung at the larger man. As his hands moved in an arc towards him, the muscles in his arms tugged at where he was hit and, once again, pain shot through his entire being. That made him slower and the instructor dodged his attempt with ease. Exploiting a new opening, Snow closed the small distance between the two and struck at where Inoue had been injured. Inoue inverted his blade and blocked the strike with its body. But the impact of the blow combined with the sudden explosion of agony from executing the move made Inoue lose his balance and fall over. Immediately, he willed himself to get up, however the familiar feel of the wooden blade against the skin of his neck made him stay sprawled on the tatami.

" And that ends today's demonstration. Exploitation of injury is essential in combat. Hit him once, hit him again in the same place twice. As Mr. Kiyomasa has demonstrated so masterfully, doing so renders the opponent completely useless. Class dismissed."

The blade was removed from its previous position by his neck and Inoue got up against the weight of his injury. Together with the rest of the students, he put his practice blade back onto the holding rack by the wall and went to retrieve his Zanpakutou. All academy students were only to use practice blades during lessons and those who already had their Zanpakutou were to remove them for safety reasons. Still, Inoue couldn't help but feel that this was sword-practice and people would get injured anyway.

Before he could get to his Zanpakutou, he heard the instructor calling his name and upon turning around, he could see that the instructor was gesturing for him. Snow already had his wooden blade back in the rack and was in the process of tying his Zanpakutou onto his sash.

" You weren't yourself today. Footwork was sloppy and your technique was falling apart all over the place. What's wrong" Outside of the bar, Snow didn't seem to talk much and his manner of speech tended to sway towards the more regal, formal end. It sounded a lot more authoritative and it demanded answers.

" What do you mean what's wrong? You hit me twice in the same spot in a twisted attempt to demonstrate a point and almost shattered my entire ribcage in the process. I don't see what's wron-"

" What's wrong." Snow asked again.

" ... I got the notice. I'm graduating ahead of time. Apparently, they thought I was good enough already and I don't disagree with them, heh, it's just... I'm becoming a Shinigami, and I'm scared."

There was a moment of stillness as embarrassment mixed with weary resignation hung in the air. It was, at least to Inoue, an eternity later before the instructor came forth with his reply.

" Inoue, listen. Shinigami are the protectors of the people. It is our duty to serve and guard them even if it means giving up our lives. We put the people first, no matter what." A slight pause.

" But we are also scum. The worm in the apple, the black sheep, whichever way you put it, we are mongrels, through and through. We are murderers, assassins, we toss our morals aside and we do whatever is required of us to get the mission done. To do our job. Me, I've got blood on my hands already and I just wanted you to realize this: So will you." Another pause that served to help the words sink in.

" I remember you told me that you wanted to become a Shinigami because you wanted to protect people with your blade." He began again.

" I remember then telling you how incredibly cheesy, naÁƒ ¯ve and even borderline stupid that idea was, that the real world didn't work like that. But don't let it go Inoue, don't ever let it go. Protect those you can Inoue, protect everyone and make the world a better place. A place where an idea like that wouldn't be mocked at, where we wouldn't have to stoop so low just to protect those we love. Where people like me wouldn't exist anymore."

Inoue was confused and didn't know how to react to this, not only on a social context, but deep down as well. Despite that however, he felt a sort of odd calm within him and the nagging feeling of anxiety from before was gone entirely, replaced by a newer, grimmer realization of what he had to do as a Shinigami.

An awkward silence began to blanket the atmosphere and Snow wondered if he had laid too much on Inoue. After all, behind the black gi, the Zanpakutou and the Kidou, he was still a 17 year old child. The instructor decided to try to cheer him up.

" It's not that bad, how bout' we hit the bar and celebrate? I know this's during active duty but what the hell. Don't ask don't tell. What say yo-"

" ... Elijah, you do realize that I am going to kick your *** as a Shinigami."

To this, Inoue was met with by a swift blow to the head.
 

Cheal

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Hopefully you're not another "accidentally put the 12th" person and I look like a dumb ***. Anyways...

Yay! Another for the 12th! I wish I could be the first to go through your profile, but as of now I'm not part of the staff, so guess you'll have to wait a bit longer. ^_~

The only thing that really stuck out to me, and you don't have to listen to me, but your zanpakutou could be fleshed out a bit more. Even if its a plain katana it still would be nice to know what a 'plain katana' looked like. :D

Well... welcome to the forum and the RP and hope you make it to the 12th. :p
 

foulball

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Excellent narration.

The only problems I find arrive in your character dialogue where you start to have a couple punctuation errors:

CinnamonTree said:
" You weren't yourself today. Footwork was sloppy and your technique was falling apart all over the place. What's wrong" Outside of the bar, Snow didn't seem to talk much and his manner of speech tended to sway towards the more regal, formal end. It sounded a lot more authoritative and it demanded answers.

Also, you seem to like having long paragraphs of just quotes with no breaks. There's not anything really wrong with that because you still are able to make it flow nicely, but I could see where it could give you ambiguity problems in the future.

Other than that, very nicely done and I expect to be seeing you very soon in the 12th.
 

Galero

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First, off, I'd like to say that I'm impressed with the way your character interacts with your NPC Elijah within your sample chapter. It's very realistic and covers multiple facets of their relationship, from the serious (Elijah's giving Inoue advice on becoming a shinigami) to the comical (Elijah smacking a cheeky Inoue upside the head to end the chapter--a very amusing ending, by the way). Their interactions are very enjoyable to read.

That said, I do have a few issues with your application.

First, according to Bleach canon, it is incredibly rare for someone to be born within Soul Society, and when they are, they are typically within nobility, because it takes people with extremely high spiritual power to procreate in Soul Society. If you wish to remain with a character who was born in Soul Society, you may want to take that into account either in terms of his backstory or even whether or not he really was born in Soul Society. If it makes a big difference to your plot, I would recommend keeping it there but possibly developing something else to account for that rarity. If not, you might want to consider giving him a previous life on Earth and such. Either way, it shouldn't be too difficult for you to work around that.

Second, be careful of reusing words in your descriptions. I know I'm guilty of this too, so it jumped out at me like Dr. Tran 3D. For instance:

Like his exterior, deep down he is still very much a child with his largely idealistic notions of morality. Of course he isn't naÁƒ ¯ve enough to believe the world operates by these notions as well, which is why he doesn't appear to enforce these notions in daily situations and also why one wouldn't be likely to see this emerge, but his core personality does more or less revolve around these fanciful concepts, consciously or otherwise.

Now, at the end of the paragraph, you switched over to concepts, which was good. I would recommend varying the words you use earlier in the paragraph as well, rather than repeating the word "notions" so often.

Finally, just be careful of tenses and narrative styles. In particular, there are a few times in your sample chapter where you switch from past to present, particularly with the words "is" or "has" thrown in. Since you're writing mainly in the past tense, you should keep it in the past tense.

Also, you're switching narrative styles in a few places in your sample chapter. Most of the time you use an objective point of view ("the dojo was", "the room was"), but occasionally you'll switch to a more subjective point of view where it seems as though the narrator is directly involved in the action ("this was where", "it was here").

If you could fix these things up, I think they would greatly improve an already solid application. In addition, it might not be a bad idea to run through your application once or twice carefully to search for any errors I may not have pointed out and correct them as you see them, just to cover all bases.

Anyway, good luck, and if you have questions at any point, either about the application process or the RP in general, feel free to drop me a PM or IM. I'm usually here, except for when I'm not (can you tell it's 3:40 AM as I'm writing this?).
 

AngryPolkaBoy

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9 out of 10 little bunnies agree, this application is sexy.

The last bunny wishes you remembered to add your AIM screen name and a word count to your sample chapter.

Other then that... well, nothing much to comment on, most topics were already covered by the great people above me, and by Tater (*snickers at the wit*)

Though, to add to what the Great Taterroni said, you also used the word "peppered" a lot, it's a cool word, but you know how it's like... too much of a good thing...

And on a philosophical plane, how does one live by a certain system of beliefs, if one is actively and consciously aware that the world doesn't work by that system? Doesn't this imply that he himself doesn't really think these ideas to be true?
 

Proggy

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AngryPolkaBoy said:
Though, to add to what the Great Taterroni said, you also used the word "peppered" a lot, it's a cool word, but you know how it's like... too much of a good thing...

Yeah, too much pepper will give you heart burn =D

Overall, the application looks great Good job. Just fix those couple things and you're ready to submit a final draft.


Good luck.
 

CinnamonTree

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Cheal said:
Well... welcome to the forum and the RP and hope you make it to the 12th. :p
Thanks. I hope I make it to the 12th too. :p
AngryPolkaBoy said:
And on a philosophical plane, how does one live by a certain system of beliefs, if one is actively and consciously aware that the world doesn't work by that system? Doesn't this imply that he himself doesn't really think these ideas to be true?
It's pretty much a fundamental issue of faith. He is aware that the world doesn't revolve around these values, but he still believes despite the fact that doing so might screw him over. (And he is aware of this) That's just how he is as a character.

With regards to the AIM, the verification e-mail isn't coming through despite my numerous attempts at making it come through, but I'll get it up as soon as possible. I've tidied up the thing a little and I hope it's ready. Be gentle.
 

Kishyotai

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Galero said:
Second, be careful of reusing words in your descriptions. I know I'm guilty of this too, so it jumped out at me like Dr. Tran 3D. For instance:

Mark my words, I will approve you just for the majesty above.
 

AngryPolkaBoy

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Inoue Kiyomasa,

Your application to the Twelve Division, after being reviewed by the Application Staff, was approved.

Cause you're all sexy and stuff.

Although you might need to pay attention to upcoming changes in that division's specialty due to captain appointment that may not sit well with your character's personality.

Anyway, proceed into being all sexy-like in the Field Reports section. And that's an order.
 

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