[3rd] Week 225: Kamiya Haijo

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DeathShrub

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Name: Kamiya Haijo

Contact Info: Deathscrwd

Age: 142 (Living:12, Dead:130)

Physical Stature: Kamiya Haijo stands at about six feet four inches tall. He has almost black looking, dark brown eyes and neck length white hair. He has a very wiry build to fit his rambunctious attitude. He wears the basic shihakushou with the sleeves cropped off just past his elbows, and the bottom of his pants are kept wrapped up, to his ankles. Kamiya has high set cheekbones, a squared jaw and a kind smile that never fades. His eyes are slanted a little more than usual, giving Haijo’s face a fox like appearance.

Persona: Haijo is all laughs and smiles, and he is always the person to never take a serious situation seriously. He laughs in the face of danger just as cheerfully as he does at a comedy act; which tends to get on his enemies nerves more often than not. Haijo is very springy and anxious, and quick to jump at a sudden noise making him seem suspiciously nervous.

Biography: Haijo was an orphan for as long as he could remember while he was alive, but the boy was good at it. He stole food to feed himself, and knew exactly where to escape if he was seen. This worked for a few years, until Kamiya was finally caught, and flogged for his theft. Sadly, the boy died from the flogging; the man beat him harder than he intended while in his fury.

Haijo awoke in Rukongai, District Fifty-seven. A district no better than where he lived before he died. After several years past by, the white haired boy grew up to be the self titled guardian for the District. Kamiya loved the people there, and they loved him. After realising he could control something people called reiatsu, applied to join the Shinigami Academy, and was rejected. He never was given a reason, but the man handing him his refusal always looked apologetic. Unknown to Kamiya Haijo, there was someone who made sure that he never passed the entrance exam. He applied year after year, until he was finally accepted from sheer perseverance, and because he came to know everyone in the recruitment office by name.

Division/Seat: 3rd division, unseated.

Zanpakutou: Kamiya’s zanpakutou from pommel to blade tip is exactly four feet long. The zanpakutou has no tsuba, and the blade is exactly as wide as the handle, making it perfectly balanced. The handle is ash wood wrapped with stark white, which matches the blade; The unsharpened half of the blade is black, while the sharpened half is an almost whitish silver. Down the length of the blade are runes; on the black half the runes are white, and on the white half they are black. The sheath of the zanpakutou is pure white, with black flower petal designs flowing down.

Feat Slot(s): 1

Stats__
Reiatsu: 100 (4543)
Zanjutsu: 0 (0)
Hakuda: 50 (2543)
Hohou: 25 (1000)
Kidou: 25 (1000)

__Sample Chapter__

[WC:1096]

Despite the many torches and sconces that littered the roadsides throughout and outside the village, a heavy mist covered the entire district making it hard to see. A few people could be heard off in the distance at a local bar that was known for being open at all hours of the day, and it was frequented by many of the shinigami that stayed around the area. Most of the locals tried their best to stay away, because they feared the shinigami, despite the fact that they help the people out.

Kamiya understood how they felt though, since despite his being over two hundred years old, a majority of that time was spent as a common spirit in the outer districts of Rukongai. The people here didn’t know or and even understand how easy they had it this far in, so close to Sereitei. Bandits and thugs didn’t really exist around this area. The one thing they did have more of around here was food, since so many more people got hungry this far in, being that they were constantly around shinigami.

The white haired man could remember not being hungry, and wished that things were still that easy; and with a grumble, his stomach reminded him of his greatest weakness, hunger. With a complaining moan he made his way towards the noise, knowing that the bar was the only place open this late that would have any food. Inside, many of his fellow shinigami crowded tables, as well as more citizens than usual.

'Maybe they’re finally warming up to us. About time, it’s not like we haven’t been here for the last few months or anything...'

With his trademark smile he waded up to the counter and ordered a set of rice balls; not the most flavorful thing in the world, but great for an empty stomach. He hadn't really liked rice balls as he grew up, but that was mainly because of how often he had to eat them. So now he only had them when he had to. He listened in on a few of the conversations around the bar, but nothing really important was ever mentioned so he let himself relax.

He hadn’t noticed that none of the citizens ever talked, he hadn’t noticed how shaken the bartender looked, he didn’t even notice that the “shinigami” in the bar wore regular katana instead of their trademark zanpakutou; but, he definitely noticed the sounds of swords unsheathing all around the bar. Quicker than any of them could comprehend, he made an instant step outside of the bar, and out of harms way. A crowd of thug-like men, who obviously didn’t belong this close to sereitei, charged out of the bar angrily. Apparently they didn’t know that shinigami could flash step. They made a semi circle around Kamiya, with his back against the wall of the building across the street.

He couldn’t help but smile in their faces, all the while humming a tune he had, had stuck in his head all day. He blinked and shook his head after he noticed that apparently one of them was talking to him, and from the way he was shaking and moving, he was probably threatening Kamiya.

“Tsk, tsk...” He shook his finger at them slowly, as he gathered all of his reiatsu to him. Luckily, his opponents were regular people, but apparently most of them were able to feel reiatsu; since they fell to their knees in apparent fatigue. “You should know not to attack a shinigami, I mean, come on...” he shrugged his shoulders at them as he paced in a small circle, “you realise that if you could somehow manage to take me down, that you would incur the wrath of the Gotei Thirteen.”

Most them just started laughing right away, the others followed suit shortly after. The ones that could feel his energy had finally passed out. Kamiya jumped up over the crowd, and tumbled to his feet behind them.

“Well then, it’s been fun. If y’all are out’a here before I return, I might just forget this ever happened.” Smiling the whole time, Kamiya strutted away as comfortable as ever. He heard a few complaints and a few snide remarks aimed at him, but apparently they realized they had bitten off a little more than they could chew. The crowd scattered, heading a general direction of away from this district.

He figured that they thought people around here were probably more of a pushover, meaning easy pickings. More or less that would usually be correct, but it was his and a few other shinigami’s turns to make rounds through this district.

~You know, you don’t always have to be such a show off~

The voice in his head heavily enunciated the word “always”, as it was rather used to his gimmicks and Kamiya’s strange sense of humor.

“Why not, it’s always so fun to see their faces as I laugh at the danger they supposedly put me in.” Kamiya spoke to himself as if he were talking to someone right beside him. Despite his appearing to be mentally unstable, he was actually talking to Youko, his zanpakutou. Youko, despite his complaint, had just as much fun screwing with people as Kamiya did. The two of them acted quite a lot alike, and Kamiya’s fox like face fit him extremely well, since his zanpakutou’s spirit was a white fox, about the size of a full grown bear.

Kamiya went back to humming as he continued his rounds through the village, all the while cursing himself for having picked a short straw, granting him the wonderful privilege of graveyard duty; as if aimlessly wandering around a village wasn’t already boring enough.

~So, when you gonna find someone really fun to mess with huh? This boring village and its humdrum occupants are well... Boring...~

After being reminded of the Fox’s boredum for the umptinth time still gave him a little humor. After all, he liked messing with the fox almost as much as he did other people. Luckily Youko had a better sense of humor than the people he was usually stuck with, so he took it in stride.

Light was just starting to creep over the horizon as he made his way towards their meeting spot, where he could wake up the others so they could begin their turn. On his way he grabbed a pail of water, about fifty feet of rope, and a bucket of sand. All the while, he walked on with a huge grin on his face.

[WC:1096]
 
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Rob

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Hey Trick, Rob here, before I review your application I need to tell you that you can keep your stats but that you are going to be, what we like to call, bleeding for the next ten weeks due to some rule changes. What this means is that you get 10% of your previous stats as bleed bonus every week you write.

Of course, this also means you won't be getting any newbie bonus, since you're not really a newbie.

So, first things first: You used the word 'he', 25 times in your entire persona, history and physical stature together.

While this isn't necessarily a bad thing, it sort of detracts from the pleasure since you keep repeating words. For the physical I can understand it a bit, but even then you can use words as "The shinigami is x inches heigh, and so many xs wide making him kind of a bulky character." There are more words you can use for 'he', try using them: shinigami, death good, man, young boy, young adult, his first name, his entire name.

The possibilities are endless.

As far as your persona goes... it's not very fleshed out is it? That's okay, though, since it's sort of a new character he still needs fleshing out while you write him, no? I just wonder how he'll hold himself up whilst in the Third as, I can tell you this now, we are not the Happy-Go-Lucky Division, and your vice-captain is one of the most serious death gods in all of Seireitei. Which would be me. I'm not saying it can't work, since it'd definitely make for awesome writing.

Just be wary.

Now, your history/background is where it starts to make a little less sense to me.
First of all it should be 'Several years went by' - though, I'll be honest the entire structure just sounds odd. Why not try something different such as: "After several years he grew up to be some sort of guardian for the place."?

One more thing, it's District Fifty-four. Capital 'D', and fifty-four needs to be written in full. Though it's generally stated that numbers after a hundred can be written out like '100', we in this RP prefer it if you wrote out all your numbers... unless it's a retardedly long number.

Okay, now, here is where the real problem lies: why was he rejected time and again? He could control his reiatsu relatively well (btw, 'reiatsu' is not a proper noun, so unless you use it at the beginning of a sentence it's lowercase 'r'.) , but kept being denied over and over again? Why? Explain this to me. It's not a wrong backstory per sé, but I need it fleshed out and realize this: no one is going to take your character serious if he's only known for his perseverence. Trust me.

If that's swell with you then by all means keep it, I just want to ask you to expand on why he kept being rejected. They wouldn't simply reject him over nothing, there must be a pretty darn good reason why they rejected him time and again.

Division: Check, glad to see some new Third applicants!

Zanpakutou: I'll say this now, but, no. You cannot have a four feet tall zanpakutou. You must realize that a standard length katana is 23.6 inches, which equatates to around 50 centimeters. 4 feet is about 1.22 meters. Meters. Do you really think we'll allow for an unsealed weapon that is taller than most kids, and close to the length of most of our characters? I think not. Apart from the length, the rest seems fine, again, though, I must ask: what are the runes for? What do they say, what do they stand for, why do you have them? Explanations, explanations.

Stats: as I said way above, fine but you'll be bleeding for a while.

Do all this, then post here again and I'll take a look at your sample chapter.
 
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DeathShrub

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I fixed the things that you pointed out, as well as a few other minor problems I came across. I am planning on adding to his persona as I write him more and more, so I left it rather basic for now.

About his background, I wanted to leave that a little questionable, because it's something that's actually going to be important to his future. So I didn't want to get into it too much as of yet.

Ok, to begin with ( on the zanpakutou matter), I personally own three katana, and neither of them are any shorter than three feet long, and they feel a little small on me when I wield them and i'm the same height as my character, so I up'ed it to fit that. And the runes I didn't explain because he has no clue what they are or what they mean... yet...

My biggest inquiry is, my sample chapter... because of the bleeding effect, do I need to write a new one? I used shunpo in the chapter, which with the bleeding effect, he won't be able to perform, not to mention his talking to Youko(his zanpakutou) as easily as he does :/
 

fallen_one

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OH MY GOD!!!!! I FINALLY REMEMBERED MY ORIGINAL ACCOUNT NAME
XD

This is Hattrick/Shrub, whatever it is you know me by :p
 

Rob

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Okay, so the zanpakutou... I guess you can keep it like that - I probably messed up my lengths yesterday, lol.

Now, for your history, I'm sorry to say this but you generally only apply to the Shino Academy if a Shinigami told you that you have the potential.
So, basically, you're getting a referral, so I'm not really sure if I can let this pass just yet, I'll ask in chat.

On your personal chapter inquiry, you don't necessarily need to write a new one, but you can't use it as your starting chapter since, indeed, you will be bleeding and since you have 4k reiatsu, it's going to take at least two, or three weeks before you reach 1k reiatsu again.

So, the choice is your really, keep the sample chapter as is, and write a new chapter for your starting chapter, or write a new one completely as sample chapter.
Your choice.
 

Rob

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No, but here's the thing: your character is over 200 years.

Either your background reflects that, or your age needs changing.
You can't just have him be 225 years old and have a) no concrete reason as to why he got rejected as often as he was (again, you can keep this, just explain why) and b) what happened during the other years...? Since we know that the academy takes 6 years usually, and even if he got rejected about 10 times, that would still only encompass 16 years of his life as a spirit.

Again, I don't want you to write it all out, you just need to make it a bit more clarified.

As I said before: You get recommended, or you don't. The only way for him to get 'rejected' would be to fail his entrance exam.
 
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DeathShrub

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Ah ok, i was planning on changing my age actually >.> i forgot to do that though...

His original age was meant to go along with his Reiatsu being 4500, but since hes technically starting out at 100 i was going to drop that down a good bit. But like i said before, his being rejected was going to have more to do with his personal story. I cant put in there that he was rejected because there was someone that didn't want him to pass, because he doesn't know that.
 

Rob

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Either or.

Thing is, though, you will have to write a new chapter for your first post, because you'll start off as a 100 reiatsu character, so you can't post a chapter involving things your character can't do yet.

So either rewrite it now, and safe your current sample chapter for later, or I can review your sample chapter now and grade your newly written chapter later.

Again, choice is yours.
 

Rob

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Hey, Trick, sorry for the late reply... it’s been rather warm these past few days so motivation had sunk to a low point for a while.

Anyway, onto the pchap.

First sentence:

“A heavy mist covered the entire district making it hard to see, despite the many torches and sconces that littered the roadsides throughout and outside the village.

May I suggest turning this around?

Despite the many torches and sconces that littered the roadsides throughout and outside the village, a heavy mist covered the entire district making it hard to see.

Makes way more sense this way – since if you say “You can’t see,” adding “Despite” to it is redundant.

Also, ‘zanpakutou’ is not a proper noun and should not be capitalized outside of being the first word in a sentence.

Same goes for flash step, it’s not a proper noun so should be lower case.

‘A crowd of thug like men’, should be ‘A crowd of thug-like men’ for the very reason that thug like are two words even though you mean it to be seen as one word.

Furthermore, ‘I’s’ are always capitalized. Always. “I am” “I’m” “I”, etc.

Again, reiatsu is not a proper noun so should not be capitalized.
However, Gotei Thirteen is. So both Gotei and Thirteen should be capitalized.

Also, if you’re trying to ‘quote’ something, use ‘and’ instead of “and” because the latter is used heavily for dialogue – so it might confuse people.

That was about it for the spelling and grammar, one last thing though: You seem to have a knack for using the word ‘since’, try finding synonyms for that, and, also... try not to overuse ; too much... it makes your work look real clunky at times.

Now, I know this is not really meant for App Reviewing, but since I’ll be your grader I will say this: Threatening thugs by throwing your job around will only get you thrown in jail.

You are supposed to set an example as a soldier.

But, wewlp, it’s nothing too serious, but yeah... check my notes and edit accordingly and I’ll come back to it later.
 

Redfin

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You really didn't capitalize the I?
Also, random note that doesn't affect anything. The blade length of a typical katana is 23-28 inches. This does not include the hilt.

Your application is APPROVED.

First off,

1) Request to join the HD Permission group. On the top of the forums, there is a Settings. Then on the side, go down to My Settings, My Account, Permission Groups. Once there, request to join Halcyon Days.

Once that is done,

2) Post your application as your profile in the Registry of the Shinigami.

3) Post your stats in the current week's thread in the Personnel Stat Records. Follow the other people's formatting if you're unsure how it should look.

4) Post your writing sample in the Writing section of Halcyon Days.

Follow this format when titling your threads: [3rd] Week <Insert Current Week>: Insert Title Here

Each writing week ends at 11:59pm EST (-5 GMT) Saturday night.
 
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