Approved Aelia, Sommesso, Lia - Spurii (Cross-breed)

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switch5

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Name: Aelia, Sommesso, Lia
Age: 18
Race: Spurii: Laicar, Velen
If Spurii, indicate your first Racial Trait: Aquatic Affinity (Velen)

Vigor: 1000
Latens: 0

Persona: In a word, Lia is a dreamer. Raised an only child of a Velen and a Laicar, her parents hid their daughter away from the world, fearful of any social stigma’s that would affect their precious daughter. Full of life and love, Lia could easily be described as naive. However an upbringing in the wilderness has taught her to look after herself. The abrupt death of her beloved parents forced Lia into a world she barely knew. Still, nothing slows her down as she explores the new and wondrous world of Araevis. She endeavors to find all that is good in the world, choosing to ignore faults and blights in everyone and everything she meets.

Physical Stature: Standing at 5’7”, Lia by no means tries to hide her mixed ancestry. She takes great joy in changing the color of her long hair as often as possible, but when headed someplace new she tends to settle on a dark shade of red. Hiding behind her Laicar ears are her small, scaly gills, which are often covered by her hair. Her smile is bright, and it takes a keen set of eyes to notice the sharpened points of her seemingly Laicar teeth. The young woman has the signature six digits of the Velen, all of which are webbed, yet her body is almost devoid of scales.

Biography: Lia’s life was simple before she stumbled out of the woods. Upon discovery of her mother’s pregnancy, her parents, once wealthy merchants, used their money to hide away in a tranquil grove, as far in the wilderness as they dared to stray. Settling on a serene lake, her parents made a living growing food in a small garden, hunting, and fishing. There Lia spent all of the years of her life, learning both the wonders and dangers of the wilderness. In that grove, Lia knew only love. One night at the age of eighteen Lia’s parents were killed by a daemon which started her on her journey through Araevis.

Character Skills
School of Castus (The Immaculate)
School of Occultus (The Hidden)
Calling of Mansuetis (The Tamer)
Calling of Pythonis (The Contractor)

Sample Chapter:

As Lia’s head shot off of the pillow and she peered out her window into the ink-black night, she realized something for the first time in her life. For eighteen years she had woken up at exactly the same time every morning. A trickle of sunlight through the gap in the curtains would inevitably find its way onto her face, and all of her pleasant dreams would leave her mind as her day came to a warm and gentle beginning. Her mother and father would always be cooking something for breakfast, stealing kisses whenever they bumped into each other in the cozy house.

But tonight something was different. Outside of the house she could hear voices cutting through the night, their harsh cries echoing through the wooded clearing. One of the voices she recognized at once. The normally calm and serene voice of her father shook with what Lia knew was fear. The only other times his voice trembled like that was when the two of them had gone on hunts, and she had wandered out of eyesight.

“She never meant to hurt you, she didn’t know what she was doing!” his voice was muffled by the wooden walls. Lia pulled herself from the warmth of her covers, and crawled toward the window at the foot of the bed. There came no response to her father’s plea, only a choked howl, then a muffled yell, and finally silence. Immediately the hairs on Lia’s arm rose, and her fingers tightened around her sheets.

Straining to hear anything else, she caught a glimpse of the back of her father, illuminated by the moon, as he slouched to the ground. His hands were clutching a dark figure at his feet, and his head hung loosely to the side. For a minute she watched his shoulder move up and down, and up and down. His fingers groped at the clothes of the figure he held, as if looking for something to firmly grasp onto.

In front of him a figure materialized in the silvery glow of the moonlight. Lia couldn’t make out any distinguishing features of the massive figure that towered over her father, all she could see was a set of glowing pale yellow eyes looking down on the fallen man. Lia knew the look in the thing’s eyes. She remembered standing over an animal she had trapped on a hunt, and looking down on the poor creature as it struggled with its bonds.

She could see its breath, thick as a morning fog, hiss out of the silhouette. The thing made no sound as its hands wrapped around its preys neck and hoisted him into the air.

Lia stifled a cry, and leapt from the bed. She sprinted barefoot through the once-cozy house and out into the clearing. She saw her father hanging limp in the hands of the black figure, and she saw the crumpled form of her mother laying at its feet. Her mothers’s head lulled toward the abrupt sound of Lia’s feet on the grass, and the pale yellow eyes of the creature followed.

“Lake...” was the only sound her mother could wheeze, and as her eyes closed for the last time, one arm curled toward the lake that lay to the right of their house. Her father’s body made a loud thud as it flew through the air into a nearby tree, and for one cold moment her eyes met with the yellow ones. All she could hear was the hiss of breath escape from its lips.

“NOW!” the hoarse words escaped her mother’s lips, and Lia lurched forward. She saw the foot of the creature stamp onto her mother’s back, and as a scream escaped her lips she turned toward the calm lake.

The cold woke her senses as she plunged into the dark waters. Her webbed digits immediately pulled her under the surface of lake, and she flailed frantically, diving deeper and deeper into the twinkling depths. A part of her wanted to look back, to see if the assailant was at the lake’s surface, or worse, diving in after her, but instead she swam, too terrified to look back.

Seconds lapsed into minutes. She swam deeper than she imagined the lake being, and with each stroke the water turned a deeper shade of blue as the faint silver moonlight was swept from memory. Finally Lia could barely see her hands as they churned through the water, and she paused. She spun toward the surface, her heart tightening...

Nothing.

Slowly she filtered water through her gills, staring up at the faint glimmer of light above. Her tears mixed with the icy water around her as images of the night flashed through her mind. Eighteen years, for eighteen years her family had lived peacefully on the land. It was all she knew, they were all she knew.

The water washed away the minutes as she swam through memories of her parents. Lia remembered splashing in the lake as a young girl with her mother, as her father sighed on the banks with a fishing pole in his hands. He would beg them to stop scaring the fish, but they never listened.

Lia remembered her fourteenth birthday when her father had whisked her away after breakfast for her first hunt in the woods. “It’s a family tradition,” he proclaimed as he led her further from the comfort of their house than she had ever been. The two of them trudged through the forest, stopping frequently to hide from some of the more dangerous wildlife. They set trap after trap for smaller animals, and finally came to rest at a rocky ledge, where they quietly shared lunch, conserving their energy for the rest of the day.

They were gone now. Her hands stopped, the sudden gravity of what had happened in the clearing finally catching her. She struggled to catch her breath as she sank deeper into the lake, letting the water carry her deeper.

The water was getting warmer as she sank. At first she thought she was just getting used to it, but the goosebumps on her arms had all gone away. Then, she noticed a faint orange glow in the depths around her. Small dots blinked into existence, spiraling around her toes and up her legs and arms and into her hair. They took shape as she watched them, forming into small mushrooms, and then stretching long tentacles behind them. She knew what they were from her mother’s stories of the ocean, jellyfish.

As dozens of them twirled around Lia a wall of bubbles swept over her, spinning her in place. Then all at once eight large tentacles appeared, and a large set of eyes rose out of the orange glow.

All Lia could do was stare at them, all of her strength had left her.

Do not be afraid. The voice echoed through the young woman’s mind.

What are you? Was all she could manage.

I am a spirit, I have called this lake my home since the last cataclysm. I have been watching your family for some time now.

Lia smiled a sad smile as the orange jellyfish swirled around her. For a minute she wondered why she had never seen the spirit before, but she knew that this was the deepest she had ever swam in the lake.

I made a pact with your mother. She knew that this being was coming for them. She wanted me to protect you.

You knew my mom? A sudden feeling of warmth and hope swept over her. She knew this was going to happen, maybe this is an illusion, my dad always said she had a way with illusions... maybe...

I wish that were the case.

What happened to her?

That beast, that Daemon was tricked by your mother when she was about your age. It was bound by her and pressed into servitude. Its power was far too great for her to trifle with, and when it finally escaped her service, it vowed to find her, and destroy her and her bloodline. That’s why your parents came to this lake, so that I could protect them.[i/]

Another large stream of bubbles rushed up from the dark water as Lia tried to understand.

How did you know them?

That is a story for another time. Time is short, I must banish this Daemon to its realm before it feeds, or else it might grow too strong. Then you must go. Look in the basement of your house, your parents have preparations made for you.

Why can’t I stay here, can’t you protect me?

The Daemon knows where you are now, and I cannot hold it off indefinitely. Without your mother, I fear that time will come all too quickly.

I’ve never been on my own before.

Fear not, I will send my children with you, they will sign a contract with you and serve you as I have served your mother.

As if on que the jellyfish brushed against her skin, their surprising warmth eased all of the pain and fear that had welled up inside of her. One of them brushed a tentacle over her palm, and she felt a small sharp pain as a single trail of her blood floated into the water.

The contract is forged. When the time is right, when the beast finds you again, flee, my children will lead you back to me. Until then, be safe young Aelia.

Abruptly the spirit rose from the depths, and one if its large tentacles softly carried her upward as they raced to the surface. As they broke into the air, Lia felt the soft grass touch her feet again as she was placed on the shore. As the orange jellyfish circled around her, horror washed over her as she saw the figure of the dark creature still crouched over her parents’ lifeless bodies. When it heard the noise it turned to her and she froze.

Before it made any other movements the other tentacles broke the glassy surface of the lake, spraying water and fish into the ink-black night. The creature turned to face them, releasing a guttural growl and rising to its full height.

The tentacles slammed onto the ground around the creature, making Lia jump. The tentacles wrapped around the creature like a python, quickly erasing it from view. Then, as fast as they had appeared they were gone again, dragging the creature down into the crystal waters.

As the tentacles pulled the creature away Lia crawled to the bodies of her parents. As her hands grabbed onto their still-warm bodies she collapsed into them one last time, weeping loudly while squeezing them. She felt the warmth of the spirits as they wrapped around her arms and back.

All will be well child. Their voices echoed in her mind like a choir. All will be well.

Locked in her last embrace with her family and with her new guardians, Lia felt her eyes become heavy. She didn’t know if it was from exhaustion or if the spirits were lulling her into sleep. Either way she drifted into a dreamless sleep.
 

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Rob

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h0i, it is I, Rob and I'm here to assume I'm still allowed to do this, so here we go run-ons!

Just going to give a few pointers on things that stuck out and give a brief explanation on them as I go.

Two things come to mind when I read about Lia's personality, the first being a bit of a weird sentence, the other being a tense-issue. The tense one is easy, so let's get cracking on the odd sentence:


Full of life and love, Lia could easily be described as naive, however an upbringing in the wilderness has taught her to look after herself

The way this is phrased 'however' would be a confirmation of her 'naivety' rather than an antagonist towards this trait. In this sentence, and the way 'however' is used, the word can be a translation of 'despite', rather than 'but'. Watch out for those little traps in writing. An easy fix to this would be to add a period after naive, and start anew with however like so:

Full of life and love, Lia could easily be described as naive. However, an upbringing in the wilderness has taught her to look after herself.

Done.

As for the tensing issue: after you finish the sentence on the death of her parents, you suddenly switch from past to present tense. Nothing too wrong with it, just watch out that you don't end up doing that in your actual writing!

Next up is some more sentence structuring:


Hiding behind her Laicar ears are her small scaly gills, which are often covered by her hair

They're small, they're scaly, and they're gills. As such: small, scaly gills (it's a minor detail, so don't worry).

Now, the biography I have some issues with as it suddenly descends into a bit of a chaotic place. Let's go over it, shall we?



There is little to be know of Lia before she stumbled out of the woods.

Little to be know? known? to know? This sentence is all sorts of weirding me out, :<

Upon discovery of her mothers pregnancy her parents, once wealthy merchants, used their money to hide away in a tranquil grove, as far in the wilderness as they dared to stray.

"Mothers" would imply she had several mothers who were all pregnant with her at the same time. That's quite a feat. (it's mother's)

There should also be an additional comma after said pregnancy to avoid a run-on.


Settling on a serene lake, they two made a living growing food in a small garden, hunting, and fishing.

They two? Also, more odd than this is the fact that you go from talking about her parent's parents, to talking about her parents. Give a bit more of an indicator as to who settled on the lake, since I'm still not entirely sure. (as for the 'they two' part, either write 'the two of them' or 'they' or 'her parents' or 'her parent's parents')

There Lia spent all of year life, learning both the wonders and dangers of the wilderness.

There, comma. Also, not sure what 'year life' means, but I'm going to go ahead and assume you meant 'her'... I guess?


In that grove Lia knew only love. One night at the age of eighteen Lia’s parents were killed by a daemon which started her on her jourey trhough Araevis.

These two sentences I will take in tandem: (in that grove, comma, lia knew only love), but that's not all! She knew only love? And then her parents got killed. That's some love, but also some very unfortunate pacing of the story! As for the rest: jourey should be journey (oops! darn you spell check!) and trhough should be through (oops! I did it again!)

Go clean those things up for me and I'll start on the chapter and we'll get you sorted out: I'm not expecting too much strife, your writing is mostly solid, but it got a bit messy at parts. Just do a quick comb through and it'll buff out.
 

Redfin

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Hiya switch. I'm going to make some notes here. Overall, I like your character concept, and it's always nice having a bright outlook character instead of some world-weary type. I hope she doesn't lost her joy and wonder.

The first chapter is good. It's tense and mysterious with lots of things for the future. I will say that Spurii are not quite so reviled that the parents needed to run away to the grove. If there was some other reason for them doing that, though, that would be great.

Now on to the notes.

The thing made no sound as its hands wrapped around its preys neck and hoisted him into the air.

The word prey's should be possessive.

What are you? Was all she could manage.

This should be one sentence as was all she could manage is not a complete sentence. Therefore, it should be as such:
What are you? was all she could manage.
Yes, you can keep the ? in the middle of the sentence.

Its power was far too great for her to trifle with, and when it finally escaped her service, it vowed to find her, and destroy her and her bloodline.

You have the word 'her' five times in this sentence. Five! Mix it up a bit.

As if on que the jellyfish brushed against her skin, their surprising warmth eased all of the pain and fear that had welled up inside of her.

The word you want is cue, not que.

Most of it is actually minor things that I'm not too worried about. So I will give you a +1 to approval. One more and you are in!
 
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