Reviewed [Be/Be] Week 182: A heart to heart between a bird and a half-eaten fish - Feedback

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Staff member
Feb 18, 2008
Original Thread

Here we have Aelflead and Ignis getting their first real chance to talk since all the fighting began and... really it seems as if nothing has changed from the last time. I'd say that's the biggest disappointment, here. Before all the life-and-death battle began, Aelflead confronted Ignis about her money, Ignis brushed it off, and they parted ways angry at each other. Now, after fighting together against demons, with Aelflead throwing herself into harm's way to deal the final blow on Tharros, followed by Ignis healing Aelflead's wounds, after both of them suffered injury fighting together against a common enemy and with the looming threat of an even greater enemy ahead... there's not an ounce of change in their relationship.

The next time they meet, I think you should consider where they really stand with one another -- something the title of this collab promised but did not deliver.

Myst, your writing tends to get very distracted, as well. Introspection is good in key moments or after particularly important things are said, but you have a tendency to dip into it at random. At times, it adds an interesting quirkiness to Aelflead's character, but it can also feel like you're writing around your collab partner instead of with them.

Dys, your parts are solid standing on their own, but they don't blend well as part of a collab. I've mentioned in previous grading comments that you should consider rearranging turns to make them flow better. If Ignis is responding to something in the middle of Aelflead's last turn, insert that part of the response into the middle, rather than putting it after.

The dynamic between these characters is great, one of the few PC rivalries in the RP. I'd like to see more of it -- but I also want to see development of some kind. Keep going.

Current Writing Week is 205

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