Reviewed [Be] Week 189: Detention - Feedback

Dysney

Staff Member
Dec 30, 2012
2,120
5
38
Murica
#2
Alrighty *cracks knuckles* this chapter came as a pleasant surprise. Well, for everyone but Deimar and Adria. I do enjoy the contrast between Eximium and Vexus' responses to the dilemma and Deimar and Adria. It's clear that Eximium doesn't want to punish people who risked themselves and nearly died to help defeat a mutual enemy while Deimar and Adria think that Ignis & co are dangerous (with good reason). However, I am a bit confused by Vexus' motivations for pardoning Ignis. Was he also moved by her actions during the demonic invasion? I would be interested to see how the conversations about what to do with them went behind closed doors. As usual, your characterization is pretty spot on. It's impressive how well you represent the attitudes of characters you didn't create. Looking forward to more of your stuff :)
 

Mystydjinn

[Insert rimshot]
Jul 29, 2013
1,504
3
38
20
Flint, MI
#3
This was supposed to come out a whole day ago, balls.
Regardless of timing, you've got a helpful pile of trash nice and ready for you.

Most of what I had to say about this piece has been said by Dys, so I guess I'll skip over reiterating it and cut to a couple things that seemed jarring to me.

The Eximum lives?
I know that we've known that the Eximum survived, or was resurrected after his assassination on that fateful Nocte Nills, but we knew this ooc (oog?). I've likely just forgotten when it was mentioned, but as far as I can remember: the only ones who knew that the Eximum was alive were the prophets and maybe the Arcanum. There haven't been any large public announcements about the Eximum's miraculous recovery or rise from the dead to explain his appearance to the characters here, so where's their shock?
It feels like you simply forgot that no one knows the Eximum lives (or I've completely forgotten when it was explained to the characters previously) because, despite your accurate portrayals of each character in this piece, none of them express reasonable shock at a dead man who has lost his primary adjective.

All of that said, that was my only issue with the piece. There were no spelling or grammatical errors I could spot, and the pacing was nice and even. Keep it up. I could just be a tin-foil hat kind of guy, but the sudden pardon seems a little suspect to me, "city/world" saved or not. I've got new plots to develop thanks to these events myself, so keep this stuff coming and keep shaking things up. Peace.
 

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