Reviewed [Be] Week 228: A Home Away From Home - Feedback

swaswj

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Kvetch... interesting word I've never heard before. I like that its meaning is clear in context despite being unfamiliar. Doesn't hurt that it sounds like another word you could use there.

Speaking of word choices, though, one thing that I noticed is you tend to use the word 'had' more often than necessary. In this chapter, 'had' was used 25 times. I went through them each and I think you could remove the word from many of the sentences, make no other changes, and the sentence would convey the same meaning; when I did this, I ended up with 13. I'm certainly no one to speak in terms of specific English literary elements -- I've forgotten many of them -- but I feel like this leads to over-use of a passive voice. Due to the nature of prose we frequently use passive voice for stylistic purposes, but for those same purposes you should try to avoid speaking passively more often than necessary. If you ever find yourself reading back over something and you think a word stands out too much, experiment with different words or phrasing to vary it up.

I really liked this chapter, though, as it gives us a little bit of world-building and a fair amount of characterization. We really haven't seen much of Lottie in general but she gives off a vibe like she's the normal human among super-humans. You relate to her wants and desires. In the wise words of Uncle Iroh, "There is nothing wrong with a life of peace and prosperity." Eden is a threatening person... in Terminus. How far her reach actually extends outside the grand metropolis is something Lottie could put to the test. After all, how much money is Eden prepared to spend if Lottie sends back word that Harper is dead, but Eden doesn't believe her? She seems clever, so I look forward to seeing what she chooses as well as what she comes up with.
 

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