Reviewed [Ca] Week 235: The Caretaker's Quarters - Feedback

  • Ready to join Post Terminus?

    Click to get started and submit your first character.

    Getting Started

swaswj

Administrator
Staff member
Feb 18, 2008
6,629
19
38
33
Latens
0✦
Exa
⏆250
Bounty
⏈0
Dahlitium
102⌯
Bigatium
54⍨
Auritium
5⍫
Vitatium
15⌭
Caelitium
0⌬
Nearly a month later, I finally read this. This year has been very hectic so far, and I'm not great at prioritizing.

Although short, this piece does a great job of setting up the scene, giving the room depth and character of its own, with little irrelevant details like the broken rim of the mug serving to ground the setting for the reader. They can draw comparisons to a favorite mug of their own or a near-broken chair that they used for too long.

With the writing itself, though, it feels confused. At parts it's in a sort of second-person -- "You would..." -- and at others in the third-person storyteller -- "One would..." -- and still others in more traditional prose-style of third person -- "Tegalus would..." Which style you use is always up to you as the writer, but part of why you might be struggling to move past it is that there is this confusion in how to say things.

The way you start things off is a good base to work with:

Upon looking through the window if the blinds were open or just upon opening the wooden door, visitors were greeted with sky blue walls covered in framed paintings of a land that Terminus natives would be unfamiliar with. There were sweeping coastlines, endless horizons, and serene mountains; all beautiful, even though some of the colors had faded with time and wear.
This uses definitive statements. You're telling us what's in the room, instead of telling us what we may see, or what one might see. I think the majority of your sample here is like that, and so I would recommend patching up the parts that aren't, see if you're happy with that. Then write some more! I will try not to take so long on commenting next time, or at least try to remind some of these others that they can offer feedback, too.
 

Patreon

Writing Week is 249

Discord Chat

Current Date in Araevis