Reviewed [Collab] Week: 220: Afterparty - Feedback

Mystydjinn

[Insert rimshot]
Jul 29, 2013
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Flint, MI
#1

swaswj

Administrator
Staff member
Feb 18, 2008
6,654
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32
#2
Immediately, I hate the centered format. It throws off my natural sense of rhythm. Personally, I'm never a fan of using all-caps for emphasis, either -- italics is preferred, bold might be acceptable -- but the unexplained "COLORed" in there confused me more than normal.

Mysty, I know I've mentioned this multiple times before, and I really would like to see you take care of it: 'Autoformat as You Type' will mess up your dialogue punctuation/capitalization, and since you know it'll happen, you should go back through and fix it, or fix it as you go along. Example: "C'mon!" She said… would be "C'mon!" she said… I'm not suggesting to turn off Autoformat, but just remember to fix dialogue before you post a final version.

Aelflead is incredibly pitiful throughout this entire collab, and yet even at such a low point, she doesn't reveal much at all about her past. One of my favorite aspects is seeing Ignis and Deni being human, with their own frustrations and flaws, rather than saints willing to put up with anything. As was stated multiple times in the collab itself, they're all three flawed characters, flawed people, and they're written that way. It makes you want to read more and find out more, it makes you want to root for them to overcome their problems… or root for the world to hammer some reality into them.

You all handled the pacing well, breaking the tension where it needed, letting it build during the standoffs. However, I do feel like this carried on longer than it needed to, especially since there's no satisfying payoff in the end. Aelflead reveals a tiny bit (a rather significant, but poorly explained bit) and then everyone leaves frustrated. The outcome isn't bad, sometimes it takes time to break down walls. However, as a reader, I felt like it was building up to something more that just never came. If it had been shorter, that impression wouldn't have been as strong… or if Aelflead had given up something more significant, it would have felt justified.

Keep this twisted little friendship dynamic going.
 

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