Reviewed [Collab] Week 301 - A Drop of Blood; A Drop of Magic - Feedback

  • Ready to join Post Terminus?

    Click to get started and submit your first character.

    Getting Started

Mystydjinn

[Insert rimshot]
Jul 29, 2013
1,542
16
38
22
Flint, MI
Latens
230✦
Exa
⏆359
Bounty
⏈0
Dahlitium (⏆50 per)
0⌯
Bigatium (⏆100 per)
0⍨
Auritium (⏆300 per)
0⍫
Vitatium (⏆1200 per)
0⌭
Caelitium (⏆6000 per)
0⌬
Sleepy Pers is adorable
Naevius gives me Doc Brown vibes and I love it
Also: That's not caffeine, I don't care what you say crackhead Naevius is now latest my headcannon.
Pers don't you become a crackhead too, you've got your whole life ahead of you.

THAT SAID
Doc Crackhead is a pleasure to watch flit around the room, making more of a mess out of it than it already is and the seamless description of the environment y'all deliver as he enters Pers lab and windows XP theme blasts the windows out of the place while the child's brain works through it's slow ass boot up routine.

I didn't notice any glaring mechanical issues while I read but this did bug me a lil:

The workshop stood dark, lit only by the twin moons and a streetlamp some ways down the street.
To be 300% fair, I am not caught up, so if the chapter previous to this describes Naevius walking to Pers' lab and explicitly says that he's walking there in the last few phrases then this poke is irrelevant because it's fine. If it doesn't then it's a problem
(It's honestly just a little bit of a nitpick because picking up what workshop is being reffered to is super easy as you continue reading the chapter, but it'd be nice to clean up just for the sake of clarity and such. Also I've already gushed over a chapter I've read twice before with naught but praise and it feels weird in hindsight so I've gotta pick on something Xp).
Tis the first line of the chapter, unless you've already mentioned what specific workshop Naevius is headed to, there's no way for the reader to know except by guessing, and while you can assume that this is Pers' lab one could just as easily assume it belongs to Naevius because y'all don't refer to the workshop properly with its owner's name once throughout the piece.

Also, I love the attention to detail with Pers aversion to touch being exacerbated by his recent traumatic experience with Angry McGrabhands from his interrogation before. I like that it's not forgotten for the sake of smoothing interactions here and clashes a bit with Doc Crackhead's seeming inability to understand the concept of boundaries.

The clarity of the perspective here also pleases me, perfect knowledge narrator's are needed in threads since we can't know what'll be written by our co-collaborators before it's done, but collab chapters allow for semi-perfect knowledge narrators and we often use them around here. That said a good chunk of our collab chapters are fucked or at least confused by that narrator switching back and forth between characters rather than remaining fixed through the piece.

That creates an effect similar to if an non-corporeal and undetectable Lakitu bro or normal humie cameraman was teleportation around a room rather than smoothly moving about to give clear views to the player from their perspective.

Here, y'all let the Lakitu bro sit behind Pers shoulder and that gives a very interesting view of both him and Naevius. As you can already tell based on my babbling, I hope, it allows Naevius to come off as a wild and erratic entity (crackhead). Blowing through the chapter like a whirlwind of activity powered by some unknowable energy (crack), and bringing large dumps of new information to the reader without bogging down the conveyance of that info with the nuances of his character. It boils him down to the simple essence of his character (a crackhead with wings in a labcoat) and allows him to function as a dispenser of fundamental information and concepts about the world of Araevis without being overwhelming to someone who doesn't feed on lore and mechanics like an earthworm *sneezes.

Pers being the one with the Lakitu allows the reader to be more cleanly immersed in the world and keeps them just as bewildered to wide eyed and excited as he is through the piece. As the baby grows to understand what the magic (crackhead) bird man is trying to tell him, the reader also grows to understand what the magic crackhead bird man (It's not caffeine, I don't care I don't believe you) is trying to tell us at roughly the same rate.

That said, I personally love this kind of espousal of mechanics in a world so I may have a bit of bias and could easily be full of shit here.

Also, thank you for helping me learn how both multiplicative and exponential actually apply in a non-abstract way, brief uses of words in their proper contexts for the win and stuff - there's also probably something to be said about why it took me so long to get a concept like those two and why I only just got it in such a context as this, but it makes me feel bad about myself so I'm not gonna give it much thought for now

That said my favorite bit was the
There was A LOT dumped here.
Visae is explicitly measurable
Visae is life energy, ergo life energy & "the soul" is potentially measurable and detectable with instruments~
Visae is physically bound up not only in specific kinds of matter, but is also physically bound up in biological matter; implying that plants potentially have souls and can be sapient meaning magic forests with wills~~~~~
- retroactively making my favorite fauna entry in the codex more substantial~~~~~
Visae can be measured quantitatively AND qualitatively & that each type exists within the three player races -leaving room for interesting ideas around the differences between them, the corrupted & aberrant races, and creatures from other planes like daemons & the fae~
Plus some curious implications about the available technology within the world~

This bit was honestly my favorite part if you couldn't tell and has already got my wheels turning:
- What does this mean for non-mages? How do they interact with the visae in their bodies if at all? Is visae enhancing the limbs of normal creatures explicitly what allows them to perform amazing feats like batting away bullets and flames with a swing of a sword and move fast enough to seemingly teleport various distances and make Usain Bolt jealous?
- Terra Regia can become inert by having all of it's visae spent and excretory material from a person is magically inert but not the rest of an Araevian's body and specifically not sexual fluids,

hence why all Araevians can collectively base their monetary system off of inert King's Mineral* and retroactively explaining why there's no spells that fling shit at your opponents. That said, the existence of "inert Terra Regia" implies that there is a specific combination of atoms and/or something that makes the substances known as "terra regia" different from other substances since TR is still distinct from other materials while inert and leads me to even MORE questions! Does this make visae a particle, a wave? Both? Is it mass-less like a photon? Or does it carry mass like an electron does? Or is it maybe an entirely new classification of particle?

Does a soul have weight? What is pravum truly then? Being a disembodied singular or soul composite would make it living visae, could this be what happens when you actually die in mortalis? Perhaps they're the remains of some of the poor bastards that lived before the Cataclysm and didn't make it to Terminus?
What does that mean for the events of TWFNE? What kind of magic were the precursors of the Cataclysm doing? What was the void made of? What of the other sites? What the hell are the keystones they used???? What are all of those made of? TR? A new material?

So many questions~

And that's all I've got to say on this.

Y'all did great, and for all the trouble you went to in order to create this wunnerful read, I'm gonna be harassing all of you admin\GM folks for more lore <3
 

Patreon

Writing Week is 308

Discord Chat

Current Date in Araevis