[Divison Number 4] Week 99 - Kohaku Akiryuu

  • Thread starter Flagrantia Rubicans
  • Start date
  • Watchers 0
  • Ready to join Post Terminus?

    Click to get started and submit your first character.

    Getting Started
F

Flagrantia Rubicans

Guest
Last Name: Kohaku meaning Amber. (琥珀)
First Name: Akiryuu (秋竜); Aki meaning autumn(秋) or bright(明るい) and Ryuu (ドラゴン)meaning dragon.
Screenname at AIM:Flagrantia Rubic

Age:
Appearance of ages ~ 18 - 20
Age of death ~ 18
Time spent in Soul Society ~ 18 years

Personality:
Akiryuu seems to be the type of guy to be forgotten easily. It is probably the fact that he is rather quiet at times. He appears calm at most stages and demonstrates not much sense of emotions. Akiryuu appears to be one to never be able to make up his mind always depending on the aid and suggestions of others before he can make up his mind. He also conveys a sense that he is a loner or lone wolf from the fact that he doesn't have any close friends around him, he even displays a sense of laziness from the lack of socializing. It is shown that he has begun to change his way of life realising his parents pain in seeing him so alone, he started to talk with people more and made a few friends, he was willing to do this to please them and himself so as not to be alone in life. Akiryuu is willing to learn things which he doesn't know and would do his best at any task even if it means almost failing the task by and obstacle he cannot surpass.

People often give Akiryuu one glance and that's it, they never get to know the real him inside. He can be very protective to those who are close to him, especially family and close friends. Many people may not know that he can be a caring guy often concerned with other peoples problems and wanting to help.

The fact that Akiryuu is a quite person may suggest that he may be a novice in battle, though not always striking first, he will do what he can in a battle to try and surpass the enemy. He seems to observe the opponent very carefully, watching the techniques they display and trying to search for a weak point. If he is unable to uncover such possibilities he would stretch to drastic measures as to attacking the opponent to test their skills; to find the weak point up close.

He would often be found lazing about under a tree or at his own room relaxing and thinking to himself. His personality is that of a loner, some one unaccepted, though he is willing to change so as to not be alone in life.

Physical description:
Wears a sleeveless gi , the edges appear without the white under layer while the collar of his gi appears the same as any other shinigami. The colours of his set remain the same as the traditional shinigami clothing, black and white. He wears the ordinary hakama which all shinigami appear to have. He wears the usual obi in the normal manner and its also coloured white. He wears the same footwear as the other shinigami.

Appears at six foot three and has medium length hair which is jet black in colour and is spiky at the ends. His eyes are red in colour and may be the most outstanding feature. His body is built in a rather muscular and toned build, not too large not too small.

Zanpaktou: "Good defense and offense is hard to find in something so hard to wield . . ."
The sword in which Akiryuu wields appears as a 2 meter long Nodachi which is notably long and difficult to use by short people. A Nodachi can be considered one of the longest swords used in battle because of its length, it was supposedly to be used only in war in the field because of its difficulty in use at close quatres, however Akiryuu has over come this problem. The Nodachi is a straight blade without a tsuba. His sword is also unique, it has a habaki after the long hilt, the habaki is designed with an image of a single sakura petal upon it. The blade is a silver coloured blade and a milky white edge. The hilt is a light brown colour, similar to that of wheat. The Nodachi is carried over the shoulder of in hand, it has a red string tying the two opposite parts of the sheath to forming a sling.

Biography:
Born into a well off family, Akiryuu was not a spoilt child at all. Being alone for his quietness was one of the downsides the parents of this child did not wish, they had wished for a child to be more active in life than remaining by himself all the time. Over hearing this conversation Akiryuu had tried his best to change the view in which everyone saw him, a loner. By the time he had reached form 3 in school, he had began to make a few friends here and there. They were nice enough to begin with his parents were happy for their child, He had reached College before long and was sometimes shrouded with people; But sudden changes in life cause fate to be cruel.

Upon the morning in which he was to meet with friends before the school bell, Akiryuu thought it would be easier if he would take a shortcut through the alley.

At arrival he began to hear the crying and moaning of a child. He was curious as to why this child was crying and out here of all places. He approached what had seemed to be a girl wearing a seemingly lolita outfit squatting in the middle of the route.

His approach towards the girl was shortlived as she stood up and erect to give Akiryuu a sadistic and sweet smile which gave the impression of something bad about to occur.

His last feelings were that of shock and pain as the young lady like girl walked on in the background smiling upon her job.

Awaking in a state of confusion was the most awkward thing to him, he was pretty sure he was hacked in the neck, gut, arms and legs but, he had no feeling of the pain, though looking down he saw his body, lying in an ocean of blood, his clothes were stained crimson and his face was holding a sign of ultimate terror. He was however frozen at the sight as paramedics arrived to the scene and students began to rush out from school just to see this scene. His horrors and nightmares were confirmed, he was dead; stone cold dead and there was nothing he could do.

Akiryuu spent the last three days trying to contact his parents and his friends but none seem to see him, after wonderning back to the scene of the crime he ran across a you lady who was able to see him, she asked how he was doing and asked wether he was ready for what came next. Horror filled his face for he had no idea what would come next. He told the lady that he was ready for anything soon after collecting his senses. She raised what seemed to be an ancient sword of likes; Akiryuu began to shiver at the thought of being decapitated while being a spirit but fear flushed out of him when the though came "How can I die again if I'm already dead?". By then the person to whom he met change his life forever, fate was not cruel this time.

Stats:
Reiatsu ~ 100
Zanjutsu ~ 30
Hakuda ~ 20
Hohou ~ 40
Kidou ~ 10
Connection ~ 0

Sample Chapter:

Girl with the Crimson Face
( P.S. separated into three parts by *~*~*~*~* )

During his child hood, Kohaku Akiryuu has been a very silent boy, he was sometimes the end of everybody elses jokes for not speaking, people called him a mute and a loner, nobody wanted to be with him. Akiryuu had a very comfortable life at home, he was loved and cherished by his family members who always said that he was destined for better things than what the other school kids said. His parents treated him with enough respect and care so as to not spoil him rotten, his parent always thought it would be easier to raise a tough child rather than a rotten apple. He was loved by those who only knew him from the inside, though his parents whished he would not be so silent. The boy had overheard his parents conversation and decided to change the way he is, he began to start talking more, laughing at jokes and even had a few girls talk to him; his parents were much happier the day he reached form 3, as he reached College, he was never alone at most times.

Akiryuu had a sudden thought as he was walking towards the College campus, "I wonder what it would be like to have a change in this every day to day life with no excitement, its too quiet here . . .", as he walked into a street leading towards his schools gate, he came across a girl squatting and crying out loud. He wondered why nobody ever heard this girl crying, he thought how heartless people can be and decided to approach her to calm her down. Almost upon arrival towards the girl his heart began to race as adredaline began to pump so furiously into his veins and he began to sweat. He wondered what could have caused such a reaction. The air around him began to grow thick and breathing and walking became a difficulty. As he was about to reach for the girls shoulder, he asked her " Whats the mat-", was all he could reach before he was cut off from his lines as the young girl stopped weeping and turned around with a wicked, sadistic and cruel smile arching across her face, the smile portrayed by her was evil yet sweet, chills swept down Akiryuu's spine like a cold shower. His body froze in terror at the mere sight of the with before him. As she stood up, he realized clutched in her hands was a blade and a kitchen knife, the thought finally crossed his mind, "I'm going to die...".

As much as Akiryuu tries he could not move at all, he felt like he was frozen solid, like as if all time stopped. He looked closely at the details of the girl. She was a young brunette with curly hair down to her shoulders and was wearing a lolita like outfit in the colour of pink with white frills at the bottom, she was wearing a ribbon on her right side of her hair and was bare footed. What struck the most interest and shock into Akiryuu was that the girl was coated in a new red glossy coat of some kind of red liquid. The girls nails were painted black at were as sharp as that of demons, her eyes were as dark as coal and went deep down forever into eternal oblivion full of darkness. He saw in the girls eyes his own death, as the air began to thicken even more and the aroma of rotting flesh stung his nostrils. The girl moved forward in a swift manner, with grace that matched a swan at its highest peak and she moved the blades as though she was playing a game. All of a sudden she vanished, a faint image of the girl walking towards him was all he could see, eventually she walked past him. To his horror, he had felt stings at his gut, throat, arms and legs; he knew the wounds were deep from the stingging sensation he felt and all the lights left his eye as he last saw the street ahead darkening around him.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Megumi had explained his predicament to him he had told her, "I am not ready for this, I need more time", her reply was very sweet and subtle, "Of course, I wanted the same when I first came here". Akiryuu had been wondering around the household of Megumi, and it only occurred to him just as he was about to walk out to the garden wether Megumi had a surname and wether she was even married, though it crossed his mind at that time not to ask her, "It may offend her". Seeing as he was not allowed to leave the house hold, he began to notice how big the house was, it had so far 5 bedrooms he has seen and one of the servants had informed him that the mistress had more than ten rooms in the house. He began to think more clearly over the few hours that past, he thought he was getting used to the situation.

Akiryuu had eventually wondered around the house before coming into an office, within the office was Megumi herself, she seemed very preoccupied and talking to one of the maids, she had told the maid to deliver the letter to a person who would meet at a certain location. Akiryuu did not hear well the conversation because of his fear of being discovered of easdropping he feared being scolded. As he heard the conversation stop he quickly sprinted off towards the hot bath which was out back or so Megumi implied.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Within the hot outdoor bath, all of Akiryuu's aches and worries began to flood away like a river flowing down a mountain. As he began to close his eye's he noticed a shadowy figure shrouded in mist standing at the end of the bath. As he moved closer he noticed it was a girl, he thought that this must have been the family friend Megumi wanted him to meet, Amaterasu, her sir name was still unknown. Akiryuu began to feel a b-bump going on as he looked at her, he had never felt this way around a girl before. Her silken white skin as fair as snow, her black hair, as dark as night and as long as it seemed to reach down and spread around her on the surface of the water. Her hair was straighter than a single line of thread, her lips were as luscious as a cherry blossom and the glow of her lips sparkled like the moon. Her eyes were a dark brown, it seemed to remind you of nature at peace when you star into it for so long, he eyes even sparkled like gems. Akiryuu suddenly realised he was blushing and sweating a lot, he thought that any girl as beautiful as her would not want to meet up with him.

Word Count: 1,163

Theme Song:
"Tsubasa wa Pleasure Line" performed by Minami Kuribayashi
 

AngryPolkaBoy

New Member
Aug 26, 2005
1,043
1
0
36
I'm the very model of a cartoon individual
Latens
1,000✦
Exa
⏆500
Bounty
⏈0
Dahlitium (⏆50 per)
0⌯
Bigatium (⏆100 per)
0⍨
Auritium (⏆300 per)
0⍫
Vitatium (⏆1200 per)
0⌭
Caelitium (⏆6000 per)
0⌬
Eeeeeeeeeeewwwww.... what's up with the weird choice of an unreadable color? D:',?

And while you're at it, bold and underline the titles of your various sections (Persona, Physical Stature, Stats, Sample Chapter etc.) and add a word count to your sample chapter.

I promise I'll review it... once it stops making my head ache D:

:D
 

Tenshirou

New Member
Jul 17, 2005
426
3
0
41
Kyuubantai Honbu, possibly under Junichi's paperwo
Latens
1,000✦
Exa
⏆500
Bounty
⏈0
Dahlitium (⏆50 per)
0⌯
Bigatium (⏆100 per)
0⍨
Auritium (⏆300 per)
0⍫
Vitatium (⏆1200 per)
0⌭
Caelitium (⏆6000 per)
0⌬
Uh just a quick little correction here. For the name "Kohaku", you might want to write it like this [ 琥珀 ] as this is the kanji for it. What you have up there is "kohaku" in Hiragana along with the kanji [ 色 ] iro, which just means color. You could keep the name in Hiragana, but uh, for a boy that's kind of weird as having it in 'gana is more of a girly thing.

Another minor correction is the Akiryuu part of the name. If you're going to choose a kanji for it, it should be the same one for "autumn" and "bright" and not two different kanji that have the same pronounciation. (scratches his head) Anyway if you want "Akiryuu" it would be [ 秋竜 ] and not [ 秋のドラゴン ]. I know it makes your application look nifty but it looks weird to those of us who can actually read it.

...yeah and change the color. It's blinding, I had to change the background to read it. >.>
 
F

Flagrantia Rubicans

Guest
Sry about that, im really sry if it caused any inconvenience, and i found the kanji's from google. I didnt know whr else to find it from.
 

Grandleon

New Member
Nov 8, 2005
231
4
0
35
The End of Time
Latens
1,000✦
Exa
⏆500
Bounty
⏈0
Dahlitium (⏆50 per)
0⌯
Bigatium (⏆100 per)
0⍨
Auritium (⏆300 per)
0⍫
Vitatium (⏆1200 per)
0⌭
Caelitium (⏆6000 per)
0⌬
As I said, penance... penance (yoyoi)! Like the autumn leaf fading into the snow, I shall-!! Shall shall shall... re-view! Yoyoi! Comments will be in violet, and spoiler tagged!

... yoyoi. >.>

Okay. Nothing really to comment on for the first part, but that you don't have an AIM screenname. That's sort of an unwritten rule, from what I observe, so I'd look into trying AIM Express or something. Without any means to contact you easily -- we all use AIM, mostly -- we of the RPG will lack that sense of who you are. Just, whatever you do, don't go into the chats if you have a lick of sense to you; bloody insane.

As for personality... gah, LONER. In general, "loners" aren't welcomed (again, from what I've observed) and thus it may be harder to get in. I won't try to push my personal beliefs on you any further, but I'm pretty sure that some or all of the staff don't like "the loner" as an archetype for a collaborative RPG. Everything is worded well enough, but the content is what throws it off kilter.

As for stature... Not much to comment on. The first sentence is a fragment, and it's a bit heavy on technical terms in the first half.

As for the Zanpakutou... again, not much to comment on. It's personal preference.

Biography... a couple of things. First, you'd have to go through Konso before reaching Soul Society; it's essential, and you skipped it. Secondly, your writing is a little... plain. "He" this and "his" that, and such. I'd experiment with a few different angles to do away with some of the "he" and "his" statements.

The sample is... suffered by the same problems as the bio. There are spelling mistakes throughout, such as "Im" and "uppon" (I'm and upon respectively; most words with a 'p' that you used only have one), but other than that I enjoyed your descriptions. "Straighter than a single line of thread," for instance; and "arching across her face." I also noticed, however, a bit of jumping back and forth between tenses and such... I'd look over the thing in a word processor with a trained eye.


Aaaaand.... That's about it for my review. You've got the skeleton of a good one here, but the spelling and grammar weighs it down more than any singular mistake of your writing. I'm guessing, however, that English isn't your first language: that makes it fully understandable as, say, if I were to write in Spanish or German or whatever, I'd completely make an idiot out of myself. If not, well...

Good luck, at any rate.
 

Patreon

Writing Week is 505

Discord Chat

Current Date in Araevis