Feedback for The Interview

Mystydjinn

[Insert rimshot]
Jul 29, 2013
1,519
0
38
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Flint, MI
#1
Understanding of Premise: A demon feeds upon the misery of the mentally infirmed.
Rating: 7/10 (Fuck these god damned skeletons)

Poor guy.

Good mechanics, solid premise, pretty good use of themes, but your ending lacked the sucker punch I needed.

You had me a bit spooked the whole time I read this, but not enough direct spook. I wanted to be really scared of this, my image of everything that happened in that horrible place was too fuzzy to scare me.

I get that you were going for the unreliable narrator trope and were intentionally being vague in some places, but idk. Too much? Though I think that's more the fault of the format for the story and maybe me being so tired by the time I got to yours last night than the descriptions in your work here
so I can't/won't harp on it much.

Speaking to the spook itself though, idk. I think this was just a matter of individual taste. Billy is a freaky little piece of shit, but he didn't stick with me because he's not going to come after me specifically. You leaned heavily into the idea that Billy is some kind of otherworldly entity/demon that hates people, hunts and eats them. But you didn't deliver on the premise with your ending.

You killed the wrong person or not enough of them.

If Billy is using Dave to lead him to new hunting grounds, then in order to deliver on that it would make sense to -at least briefly- introduce a handful of nameless patients and kill one or some of them with Dave. Not just Dave.

Doing the latter stole the punch from the realization that Billy is a soul hunting kind of entity and allows the reader to breathe and go, "Phew, Dave's fucked. But everybody else is safe." Or at least that's what it did for me. Generally nice execution, but it didn't quite get me enough.
 

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