Approved Gallio Tiburs - Laicar (Terran)

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Iron_Void

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Name: Gallius Tiburs
Age: 22
Race: Laicar (Terran)

Vigor: 1000
Latens: 0

Persona:
Gallius is stubborn but kind hearted, and he is very protective of those he loves. He has a tendency to be a little impatient, if he tries to think a plan through he usually just gets two steps in and then acts. In his spare time he likes to be physically active and socially active.

His heritage is a touchy subject with him. He is not ashamed of where he came from, but he knows that it means people will treat him differently. His impatience means that he is hard pressed to control himself when directly insulted, although he has been brought up to not act out in these situations. This creates a bit of a crisis whenever these situations arise.

Physical Stature:
Standing at 5'11" and with a light blue shade of skin, makes Gallius stand out in a crowd. His broad shoulders and toned body make it so most people will not try to push him around. But his mixed heritage is certainly visible so less niceties are given to him. His mixed heritage is a couple generations removed, his father had received the ability to breathe underwater and the angular lines of his Velen heritage, but for Gallius it just affected his skin tone and eyes.

Gallius keeps his pure white hair spiked when not covered by a helmet and he stays clean shaven to keep the level of contrast lower. It is difficult though for his eyes are a deep shade of red that have seem tired when he is relaxed, but grow fiery when he sets his mind to something.

He has no scars to show off, and he isn't intimidating, but he is imposing. He likes the feeling that clothes grant him, covering his body, protecting him. He prefers armor to anything else, but when it is not appropriate he wears long pants and long sleeve shirts. Generally his clothes are single color, he likes deeper shades of blue because they take away some of the strangeness of his skin tone but is not completely ashamed of his skin and will sometimes wear something to show it off.

His armor is bits and pieces that he scraped together and fixed up to work. He has tried to design his armor in the very straight angular lines of his father's Velen skin pattern, a deep blue with white streaks. And his shield, an arrowhead spreading down from his elbow past his hand instead of out from his hand, is painted in the same style.

Biography:
The Tiburs family name held no prestige anymore. Not since a few generations back when Laicar blood and Velen blood crossed into one. Life became rough from that generation on, people would be distant, and life would be rough, but somehow the now crossed bloodline continued. The newest generation of Tiburs was named Gallius. He wasn't upset at his past relatives for falling in love, although it really didn't make his life easy.

Gallius wanted to make his family name something talked about again though, he wanted to raise a cross-bred surname to glory, especially his surname. But he knew he couldn't do that in the humble home that his parents had. So he started picking up skills by watching other fighters train. He would imitate and try to learn. He scrounged his armor from the scraps of others, and learned to rebuild them into their proper pieces.

His parents were impressed by his resolve, but would not help him put his life in danger so eventually Gallius left home to try to find glory in the eyes of anyone who would see him. Glory was slow in finding him however and every act he did was never enough. He thought bigger was the way, but whatever he did wasn't big enough.

Character Skills




School of Aquila (The Eagle)
Discipline of Militis (The Soldier)














Art of Aedificare (The Blacksmith)


Art of Cantatus (The Enchanter)


Sample Chapter:

Where did everything go wrong? It was supposed to be a simple protection mission for an archaeological team heading out of Excelus. They had left three days ago with no problems, the problems had come before then in finding a job. It wasn't as if Gallius Tiburs was inept or unwilling to work but the Tiburs name did not have the strength that it once did. Generations back love had conquered the racial gap between Laicar and Velen and produced a half breed. From that point on dishonor and shame were the only thing Gallius' family name were good for. This job however didn't seem to care about his cross heritage, which was apparent in his light blue skin and his red eyes. This job also didn't seem to care that his armor was cobbled together from bits of this scrap and bits of that scrap. They seemed desperate for protection and that should have probably been Gallius' first clue that something was wrong.

His body moved without him telling him too, rolling left, then right, swinging. He felt heat, but he couldn't place where it was from. Finally he started hearing voices, distant but getting closer, or maybe not moving at all but coming into focus.

"You have to wake up!" the voice was saying. "The guy wants to kill us and you said you could protect us. So do your job!"

Suddenly the past few moments started rushing back to him. The team was setting up their equipment when a sudden explosion came from out of nowhere. The heat of the explosion was one thing, and if he had purer Velen blood it might have actually affected him, but what really got him was the concussive blast. It threw him twenty feet, knocked the wind out of him, and the crude landing took his consciousness from him for what he hoped was only a few seconds.

"Chavile explosions!" Gallius wasn't one to hold his tongue, especially not in pain. "I'm awake, stop shaking me."

"If you are awake then do your job," Regis, that was his name, said. "You won't get paid if you let us die."

"Are you so sure about that?" a new voice said, rough but amused. "I could make it worth your while. Give up now, you get your life spared and you get a bit of change on the side."

Gallius rose to his feet, grabbing his sword, a crude training sword that was tossed away many years ago, and shield, a piece he had forged himself, the shape of an arrowhead stretching from his elbow down past his hand which he had forged himself pouring into it his heart and soul. Resolute, he looked to where this voice was coming from. It was a man speaking, and he seemed to be alone. Unfortunately, it looked like this man had seen his fair share of combat; which was something that Gallius had not seen. Training was one thing, but true experience was certainly another. This stranger had scars covering any part of his face that his rough beard did not. The man was actually shorter than Gallius, but he held a much more imposing figure about him that it didn't matter.

"You insult me you ofrine filth." Gallius laughed. He needed a plan. A more experienced fighter was not something to just charge at. His first step would have to be putting himself in between this stranger and those he swore to protect. "I'm not as greedy as you think me. It would look bad if I just left a client to die. It also would be shameful of me too."

Gallius took a few steps forward, trying to get in between the hostile and the three archaeologists. He would need to be sure to block any attack that came at him, and not let this intruder get past him. The roots of the plan were set, just figuring out how to defeat this threat and he could take action.

"And you call me ofrine?" The stranger spat. "Your blue skin gives you away. I'm not the offspring of pure blood and fish people. I may let greed do my thinking, but you shouldn't even have a place in this world. I offered you money, but let's be honest, I was going to kill you either way. It was just a question about whether this was going to be easy or hard. Easy way it is then."

Any sense of a plan suddenly was lost to the anger that suddenly bloomed in his head. Charging forward Gallius swung his sword at the face of the intruder. It was neither swift nor smooth however and the intruder simply ducked left and out of the way and drew a short sword from his belt. An attack came from his side and instinctively his shield came up to block it. Before Gallius was able to bring another attack down on the opponent a second attack came and all of Gallius' focus was on his shield arm.

Blocking was painful. It was like the vibrations the sword made on his shield reverberated up through his arm and put strain on every joint up to his shoulder. He was on the defensive, and he couldn't make a move forward. It was just a matter of time before one of them made a mistake and left an opening.

A swipe high allowed Gallius to duck, and had he not been wearing his helmet and instead had his hair spiked like normal he would have had to change hair styles. However this provided him an opportunity to attack so he swung his sword at the hostile man's midsection, planning to cut him in two and finish the fight.

Something was not on his side today, be it luck, skill, experience, or all of the above. The blow landed, but with far less force than was needed to punch through the armor hidden under the intruder's loose robes. Unfortunately it was enough force to make him lose his grip on the sword. He watched it fall out of his grasp and land on the ground behind his opponent.

The worst part was that this was the opening that both of them had been waiting for. The intruder pushed harder and hit more. The only thing saving Gallius was his quick to protect himself reflexes. His shield moved to block every attack that came in, angering his opponent.

"Why won't you die?" the stranger called out angrily. "I know your half fish arm can't take much more of this. Are you wishing you could swim home? Or maybe you can't swim at all."

Another wave of anger coursed through Gallius, making all thoughts of going for his sword vanish. The next sword attack came in, easily blocked, but this time instead of preparing for the next attack Gallius swung his shield out with the sword on its return. The owner of the sword was not expecting as much and was taken off his feet by the force of the edge of the shield impacting the side of his head.

Gallius prepared for him to get up, but there was no movement from the downed body. Quickly he found some rope and tied him up. Then turned to the archaeologists to check on their safety.

"I don't know how you did it," Regis said, "but thank you for saving our lives."

"It's my job." Gallius said, panting. "You should get your gear set up and your tests done before we get hit again."

Regis looked over to his equipment, and shook his head. "The initial explosion destroyed too much. We won't be able to complete the process. It is time to go home."

"I'm sorry I couldn't do more."

"Saving our lives was enough. We live on to do more work, and so do you." Regis put his hand on Gallius' shoulder. "What is the name that we shall spread in light of your great works?"

This was the moment that Gallius had been waiting for. It took him years to get to this point. He had to put up with small jobs, crude jobs, gross jobs, but it was finally opening up to him. His name was going to be out there, and it would lead to greatness, which would raise his name. He would continue to raise his name until even the Gods could not ignore it.

"Gallius Tiburs"

"Don't you need your sword Gallius?"

"Forget it. It didn't do me any good anyways."
 
Last edited:

Redfin

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Hello Rusty. I am calling you that based on your one statement in the intro thread and iron rusts.

Your persona, stature, biography and stats all look good. It's good to have a character goal to work towards. And possibly a lot of backstory on why the Tiburs were a powerful family once. They had to do something big in the past.

The chapter is good. There are some great descriptions in the action with a mysterious stranger attack. The action really popped right in. Perhaps I would have liked a bit more of setting things up, but we did get a good look at Gallius reaction to stressful situations.

There are a few grammatical mistakes in your writing which I'll point out below.

Life became rough for that generation on...
Simply the wrong word in there. This should be:
Life became rough from that generation on...

...but this time instead of preparing for the next attack Gallius swung is shield out with the sword on its return.
Like the above, the is should be his.
...but this time instead of preparing for the next attack Gallius swung his shield out with the sword on its return.

Not a huge deal. The following is a bit more about what I want to get into. Dialogue punctuation is a tricky thing, and you seem to have every version from correct to incorrect and in between. The correct thing is that when you have the word said or some synonym, such as yelled, stated, etc. then it should be part of the same sentence as the spoken dialogue. I there is not something like that, then it is a separate sentence. I'll show you the corrections with the sentences below.

"If you are awake then do your job." Regis, that was his name, said.
Should be:
"If you are awake then do your job," Regis, that was his name, said.
The only thing I changed was turning the period into a comma to show that the next part is the same sentence.

"Are you so sure about that?" A new voice said, rough but amused.
Should be:
"Are you so sure about that?" a new voice said, rough but amused.
Yes, a lower case letter follows the question mark because remember that it is still in the middle of the sentence.

"Why won't you die?" The stranger called out angrily.
Should be:
"Why won't you die?" the stranger called out angrily.
Same as above.

"I don't know how you did it," Regis said, "But thank you for saving our lives."
Should be:
"I don't know how you did it," Regis said, "but thank you for saving our lives."

I'm glad you have this here since it illustrates putting a a said in the middle of the sentence. If you remove the Regis said part, then you have one complete sentence of: "I don't know how you did it, but thank you for saving our lives." That is why the but is lower case. If it happened to be two separate sentences, then it would be upper case.

The character has a lot of potential, and the first chapter certainly started with a bang. Make the punctuation corrections I pointed out and I'll take another look.
 

Redfin

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Alright. There are still a few mistakes in there that I hadn't pointed out, but as long as you understand the proper rules, you can watch for it going forward instead of looking at the same piece again. Everything else looks good, so you have a +1 to approval from me.

One more from another app staffer and you will be in!
 

Tenchra

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I agree with Finny. A few small things here and there, but its quite a bit less than other writers who are approved make weekly. I see nothing glaring that needs fixed so I am going to give you another +1 to approved.
 
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