My writing:
http://www.postterminus.com/showthread.php?397-Ca-Aq-Week-005-Blinded-Meeting
Rambo - 275 + 50 faction
Thanks for the notification, even though I'd already gotten your stuff open from last week!
Anyway, let's get right into the nitty gritty!
You said:
Being a Spurii came with a lot of stigmas, like the subtle pervading belief that they less dependable or hard-working, even if no one ever said so.
"They less dependable" eh? <insert ill-received racial joke here>.
I'm not going to go into that, but I'm sure you know my problem with this sentence. You're missing 'were' "They were less dependable".
You said:
Had I not been so blind in my rage for Voro, that I might not have found the strength to overcome them?
Alright, so this one is slightly trickier: because of the nature of the sentence there are two ways this can go, in one version 'might not have found' is incorrect, in the other the 'Had I not been" is incorrect.
Essentially, due to the tenses in the particular way you set up the sentence it doesn't work well.
Because "Had I not been" talks of something
you did, while 'might not have found' speaks of something that, as the word says itself,
might have happened/been found. So, we're dealing with a constant and variable. The only way for me to fix this is to assume you meant to say she meant one thing, or the other.
So, here's a possible fix:
Me said:
Had I not been so blind in my rage for Voro, that I did not find the strength to overcome them?
This is, however, me assuming things, so if this is
not what you were going for... let me know what it was that you were going for and I can take a look at it once more. The way it stands now, though, the sentence is incorrect and incomplete.
You said:
She looked up to see a man, fancily dressed bobbling toward her in an awkward manner.
Me said:
She looked up to see a man, fancily dressed, bobbling towards her in an awkward manner.
The reason for my fix is simple: drop fancily dressed, and you'll find that you need a comma between man and bobbling. Because you need a comma there, you need a comma between dressed and bobbling as well.
You said:
As she eyed him, she could feel him eyeing her back, though again, more awkwardly.
This is my artistic self nitpicking, but hnnnnggggg. So. Many. Unnecessary. Usages. Of. Commas.
Me said:
As she eyed him, she could him eyeing her back. His stare, though, was definitely the more awkward one.
Or something like that. There's a couple of reasons for this. You break up ridiculously long sentences like this, but you can also give more information, be more descriptive this way.
You said:
His exaggerated movements and odd accent, reminiscent of some of a couple of men she had met on a tour of Terminus, saying they were wealthy sons from Prenditus.
Try removing everything in-between commas.
Commaless said:
His exaggerated movements and odd accent, saying they were wealthy sons from Prenditus.
Yeah, doesn't sound as well as you might have thought, now does it?
I get the feeling you were setting up one sentence, and ended with another when you used your first comma. It's almost like you completely forgot to end your first half of the sentence.
Fix? said:
His exaggerated movements and odd accent were reminiscent of a couple of men she had met on a tour of Terminus, saying they were wealthy sons from Prenditus.
You said:
Perhaps they were all like this - wealthy sons, that is.
Yarr der be tenses in da rong 'ere.
No, but seriously, I know what you were trying to write, but since you're writing in the past tense 'that is' is wrong. It should be 'that was', and we both know that just sounds silly. So, either do write 'was' or drop it in favour of a similar thing in the past tense.
You said:
"Augustus Flemmingshire, yes my lady. Shocking, I know. Surprising as it may find you, and you, it - I. Am. Genuinely concerned for your well being," he said with a faux-friendly sneer, "Now, I have let my prestigious name flit so flirtatiously, might I have the name of the woman who has captured my attention?"
Dialogues, dialogues, dialogues. They're a bitch, I know, but here's the deal.
When do you use a comma? You use a comma when the latter half of a sentence needs it own seperate 'part' but is still a part of the former sentence. The same goes for dialogues, and their punctuation. Augustus being concerned for her well being has nothing to do with him asking for your character's name. Flit, by the way, is to move or shift about in an erratic, fluttering manner. I think you misspelled flirt here.
But, back on topic: since the two parts of his dialogue speech have nothing to do with one another, the second half does not need to start with a 'comma.
Me said:
"Augustus Flemmingshire, yes my lady. Shocking, I know. Surprising as it may find you, and you, it - I. Am. Genuinely concerned for your well being," he said with a faux-friendly sneer. "Now, I have let my prestigious name flit so flirtatiously, might I have the name of the woman who has captured my attention?"
Now, the same happens a dialogue sequence later:
[qupte=You]"Venatrix," she declared strongly, deepening her voice a bit to make her sound more masculine, "I'm a smith from inside the walls. Looking for passage or maybe a beast to ride."[/quote]
Me said:
"Venatrix," she declared strongly, deepening her voice a bit to make her sound more masculine. "I'm a smith from inside the walls. Looking for passage or maybe a beast to ride."
As a general rule of thumb, if youre dialogue doesn't read something like the following:
Example said:
"Did you know," she began, her voice eerily soft, "that if you knock on his door three times, you'll die a gruesome death?"
On the other hand, you don't need a comma when it reads like this:
Example said:
"Did you know, that if you knock on his door three times, you'll die a gruesome death?" she began, her voice trembling with fear. "It's so scary!"
See the difference? You do? Good.
So, I could go on for a couple of more, but you get the gist. Keep the above in mind, and you should be golden. Your plot is being taken in an interesting direction, and I like it. Keep it up!
Will - 147 + 50 faction
[You said:
Dio was thin laicar around her age, average height for a boy but a full head taller than Keydis.
Dio was
a thin laicar.
I appreciate you adding little snippets to your latin phrases for us to check what they mean, but... Risus abundant in ore stultorum is incorrect as 'abundant' does not have the extra 'n' in Latin as it does in English. 'Risus abundat in ore stultorum' would be the correct form.
As for the plot itself, I was a bit confused... maybe I haven't read up enough on the relationship between this Dio kid and Keydis, but why did Keydis punch the guy all of the sudden? That said, I can appreciate Keydis being hotheaded. It's a nice reprieve from a lot of other, more coolheaded characters - aka nearly everyone in the entire RP ever.
I'm still a bit conufsed, though, since it kind of felt like it just came out of nowhere. That may be because I missed an important plotpoint in one of your earlier orks, or perhaps I misinterpretted something in this chapter, but right now, I really don't see why Keydis would've wanted/needed to punch Dio.
I did dig it, though.