Grading Session for Week 53

  • Ready to join Post Terminus?

    Click to get started and submit your first character.

    Getting Started

Redfin

Moderator
Staff member
Supporter
Mar 18, 2007
4,246
14
38
Over there
Latens
10,572✦
Exa
⏆14,496
Bounty
⏈0
Dahlitium (⏆50 per)
0⌯
Bigatium (⏆100 per)
0⍨
Auritium (⏆300 per)
0⍫
Vitatium (⏆1200 per)
0⌭
Caelitium (⏆6000 per)
0⌬
Please note the changes to the grading groups. Castus is, for now, housing all inactive members. When members become active, they will be assigned to a group as appropriate, but should post as [Ca] until they are assigned.

The grading groups and their graders are currently as follows:

[Ca] Castus - Inactive Members

Bish
Bob
Bunz
Cheese
Dil
Freckles
Kaze
Lambo
Nella
Puppet
Sev
Tetsu
Thana
Zerieth

[Oc] Occultus - Finny
Moon
Shade
Sparx
Thread​

[Be] Bellator - Will
Berri
Dys
Rob
Shrub​

[Se] Serpens - Hiren
Doc
Loko
Minj​

[Aq] Aquila - Raph
Hare
Resh
Val
Vin​

The Rotation for the month of August 2015 is:

[Be] -> [Oc] -> [Aq] -> [Se] -> [Be]

Please post your thread titles beginning with your grading group, then the week number, like follows:
[Ca] Week 01: Title Should Be Here

Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, 08/18/15.
 

Redfin

Moderator
Staff member
Supporter
Mar 18, 2007
4,246
14
38
Over there
Latens
10,572✦
Exa
⏆14,496
Bounty
⏈0
Dahlitium (⏆50 per)
0⌯
Bigatium (⏆100 per)
0⍨
Auritium (⏆300 per)
0⍫
Vitatium (⏆1200 per)
0⌭
Caelitium (⏆6000 per)
0⌬
Moon
Activities: 109
Huh, you guys have collabed so much before that I had never thought that Laermont hadn't met Ignis and Harper before. It's cool how much intertwining your characters have going on. This was an alright collab. I didn't notice anything major and it sets up a new mystery.



Raph
Pity: 105

This was a fun little collab. I am glad that El (writing permitting) will be joining Key and Ann on whatever they're doing. I am glad that those two are still persons of interest. Also, the little actions Leidan took over the course of the collab added a lot to his character, which I enjoyed.
 

swaswj

Administrator
Staff member
Feb 18, 2008
6,944
30
48
37
Latens
8,028✦
Exa
⏆3,653
Bounty
⏈0
Dahlitium (⏆50 per)
2⌯
Bigatium (⏆100 per)
4⍨
Auritium (⏆300 per)
0⍫
Vitatium (⏆1200 per)
0⌭
Caelitium (⏆6000 per)
0⌬
Dys - 302/306 + 150 Faction
The chapter was rather good. Janus' combination of reluctance and competence was refreshing, where she didn't want to hurt the beast, but was practical enough not to let herself get injured for the sake of the sand squid. Your description of the arenam natator gave a much better picture this time, and 'sand squid' works well as a colloquial name. One thing I'll note is to remember that enlil are actually pretty intimidating: Raptor Glare is a pretty low-level racial trait, and I could see Janus using it to try to calm the sand squid, at least briefly, without resorting to the whip. Not to say it won't be more effective if the creature remembers the bite of the whip when she tries it.

Ooh, 'quaestor' is one of those archaic titles I enjoy. Reminds me of Daniel Hood's work. Anyway, moving on. I would have liked more description of the setting, but you gave us a good, quick visual of Harper and Ignis, and throughout the collab, you did a great job illustrating their reactions and movements, despite them spending the majority of the time just talking. It's a good way to keep readers engaged even when there isn't as much going on. There's little else to say here, except that I'm looking forward to seeing how it pans out.

One thing I like to stress is that you can rearrange turns to better suit the flow of the story. Here's an example:

Laermont said, “Although demvir don’t really need to eat in the conventional sense, I do enjoy food actually. It is one of those pleasures that I’ve come to indulge in. I take it,” he observed with the traces of a smile in his voice, “that you do like to eat as well.”

He grew more serious as he said, “In spite of Harper’s rather dismissive attitude, your idea was not without merit. I think that ‘going undercover’ is the exact approach that I will take. However, I do have a few questions before I take the next step, so I’ll ask them.”

The quaestor paused and then inquired, “Most importantly, do you believe that Eden would have you followed? I just need to know so I can decide on how we proceed. My approach always varies depending on circumstance.”

"I like food, too," Ignis agreed nodding.

She glanced towards the direction Harper left in a few times while listening to the quaestor, but remained otherwise attentive.

"Now that you mention it, we might have been followed." She frowned in thought. "I believe we were followed," the avian amended her statement, "Harper was unusually anxious, I thought it was just because he thought meeting you was risky but that wouldn't explain him leaving."

Could be:

Laermont said, “Although demvir don’t really need to eat in the conventional sense, I do enjoy food actually. It is one of those pleasures that I’ve come to indulge in. I take it,” he observed with the traces of a smile in his voice, “that you do like to eat as well.”

"I like food, too," Ignis agreed nodding.

He grew more serious as he said, “In spite of Harper’s rather dismissive attitude, your idea was not without merit. I think that ‘going undercover’ is the exact approach that I will take. However, I do have a few questions before I take the next step, so I’ll ask them.”

She glanced towards the direction Harper left in a few times while listening to the quaestor, but remained otherwise attentive.

The quaestor paused and then inquired, “Most importantly, do you believe that Eden would have you followed? I just need to know so I can decide on how we proceed. My approach always varies depending on circumstance.”

"Now that you mention it, we might have been followed." She frowned in thought. "I believe we were followed," the avian amended her statement, "Harper was unusually anxious, I thought it was just because he thought meeting you was risky but that wouldn't explain him leaving."

+150 Faction Bonus

Janus the Amazing Beast Tamer (2073) 207/207
Suspicious Activities (2181) 105/109


Berri - 112/112 + 150 Faction

First off, glad to see you writing again! For Raph's part, Leidan is a pretty interesting character, and I'm amazed at how far he's taken the character. More importantly, though, it was enjoyable seeing El alternately sweat and play nonchalant under scrutiny from Leidan. The not-so-subtle blackmail combined with the tease of reward, and a relatively simple task at hand, shows how shrewd the detective can be. The way El justified his acceptance, against his norm, was nicely played.

It also helps fill in the gaps on 'why' El is following the two of them.

+150 Faction Bonus

More's the Pity (2238) 112/112

Fin - 188/192

I'm not sure if this is a joke that I'm missing, but 'proprietor' means 'owner.'

The chapter on the whole was quite curious, and I'm wondering to myself if this really was a dream or if it's something a bit more supernatural. The knowledge that this is a two-parter, at least, leads me to believe there's more to it than a dream. It definitely had the composition of a dream, though, with people appearing seemingly from nowhere and Cicely's generally ambivalent response to things that would normally be quite surprising. The strange man is intriguing, and it's nice to see a mysterious figure who is more confused than all-knowing.

Do remember to proofread, though. There's a number of small typos littered throughout. It's just enough to distract from the chapter.

Zombie (1915) 188/192
 

K3

The Angry One
Staff member
Supporter
Jun 29, 2008
3,434
8
38
29
The Great Pond in the Sky
Latens
997✦
Exa
⏆6,358
Bounty
⏈0
Dahlitium (⏆50 per)
0⌯
Bigatium (⏆100 per)
0⍨
Auritium (⏆300 per)
0⍫
Vitatium (⏆1200 per)
0⌭
Caelitium (⏆6000 per)
0⌬
Hare: + 100 Faction

220/227 - In the Field [2270]

Heyyyyy wow it's been a while since I did this grading thing. Okay so I'mma try to get some actual truth out. This was a great follow-up to the first chapter, and you managed to keep the showmanship and novelty of the situation intact through the combat. You know what's coming though: the combat itself.

I have to say that you've improved a lot. You keep your descriptions concise and meaningful, and everything flowed well from one point to the next. The problem I keep seeing is that your approach to combat right now makes it get rather stale rather quickly. You keep repeating a paragraph of 'x thing happens, which is good/bad because y, and so person does z'. As I understand Kincaid's method of thinking, he's a very quick thinker, which makes me wonder why you take this formulaic approach.

To accentuate his reflexes and quick wits, you might want to try purposefully omitting detail or explanation on some of his actions. Results speak louder than explanations when fights are faster-paced and less thought or introspection-heavy. Much of the tone is lost in that rinse-repeat as well. I didn't feel as though there was much distress coming through when Kincaid was a step or two away from becoming a beastie's snack. Try to focus on the action itself when you want it to have weight. Forcing introspection into a paragraph that's supposed to generate an immediate response can sometimes limit it.

Not much else I can say on that, save that I'm happy to see how far your combat writing(and your confidence with writing combat) has come, and I can't wait to see more of Kincaid in action.​

Val: + 200 Faction

144/144 - Holding Off the Hunt [1440]

I really enjoy the interactions between Kore and Aulan. I can't help but wonder if he's becoming genuinely attached or not, but his character shows very strongly in this and I love it. You manage to bring across his frustration very well without giving away too much about why he's so frustrated, and Kore's remarkably well-written for a small child.

Really this was a super on-point chapter from you: you kept your setting just fleshed out enough to provide details for the scene taking place in it, and brought enough description to each character to give a clear image without taking away from the overall pace of the writing.

If I had any suggestions for you for this one, it would be to start experimenting with injecting some more life into your writing. I don't mean that in any negative way, but with your mechanics and grasp on everything pretty stable, I'd love to see what personal touches you could bring that would draw my attention. Think about one thing you'd think you could do above and beyond the norm, and try to really bring it across. You've got a firm all-around approach, but if you had the one area to outshine everything else, I think you'd probably become one of my favorite writers in this RP.

Good stuff for now though, keep it up.​
 

Patreon

Writing Week is 502

Discord Chat

Current Date in Araevis