Approved Naga Orias - Spurii (Cross-breed)

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Regulus

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Name: Naga Orias

Age:
18

Race:
Spurii: Laicar, Enlil

If Spurii, indicate your first Racial Trait:
Adrenaline Rush (Laicar)

Vigor: 1000

Latens:
0

Persona: Naga is what you'd consider a polarizing individual since he is naturally one of the most care free and free spirited kind of person you could ever meet. He isn't concerned with anything that can be considered dangerous to his own life since he believes that one day all things will return to the primordial darkness from whence they originated. Naga is very casual about many things and couldn't care less about anyone's opinion of him and as a matter of fact he is prone to off set people with his mannerisms even when he doesn't mean too on purpose.

Physical Stature: Naga stands at around six feet tall and weighs in at about one hundred and eighty pounds with a slender but muscular build. He has snow white hair with deep orange eyes and olive tone skin with a tattoo under his right eye in a language known only to the members of his family. Hardly anyone could even tell the difference between himself and a normal Laicar side by side. However if he were to remove his glove or shoes he clearly has short nails similar to the talons of his Avian heritage.

Biography: Naga was born in the Kingdom of Prendere to a Terran Bureaucrat and an Enlil whore after a secret affair during his father's travels. Since his father could not accept having a mixed child as his son and successor to the family he proceeded to kill himself moments after Naga was born forcing his mother to raise him out on the out skirts. She taught Naga to be positive about life and to never fear death as she believed that all beings were nothing more than manifestations of the universal being. Soon after his mother died Naga took these teachings and struck out on his own as an assassin for hire. This choice of career was chosen mainly because of his hatred for his father and the people who abused the life they were given. As such selfish, greedy, and evil people in his opinion did not deserve the life they were graciously given.

Character Skills

School of Occultus (The Hidden)


Discipline of Pugilis (The Brawler)


Way of Cannonis (The Bomber)


Calling of Pythonis (The Contractor)


Sample Chapter:

The stench of death permeated through the air as the multitude of corpses were piled one on top of the other in what appeared to be an abandoned monastery. Blood, bones, feces, limbs, and internal organs were splattered from every wall to the ceiling decorating the entire vicinity in the attire of those tortured in the fires of the infernal plane itself. Thunder and lightning raged and the torrential downpour of the heavens continually consumed the life outside in it's great displeasure as if appalled at the gruesome scene while a dark figure sat above them all speaking through a small intercom.

"Have the targets been dealt with yet Naga?" a rough masculine voice asked through the device.

"Yeah I got em'," the figure said as if he didn't just get done butchering an entire cathedral. He sighed before picking up a religious robe from one of his victims. "So you wanted me to kill a group of occultist's why again?" he said having forgotten his purpose in all of the excitement.

"Well lets just say that the boss never liked anyone who specialized in the demon arts. To have any type of association with creatures like that requires that one be morally dead first to bend them to their will," the voice responded as the small intercom whined from bad connection in Naga's hand due to the storm. It was right then a more feminine voice spoke to Naga through the intercom.

"Regardless of purpose it shouldn't matter now since your job is completed so when the storm clears you make your way back to headquarters and give us your report on what happened," the feminine voice demanded.

"Yeah yeah I got it Lyla. Just give me a moment to clean up and I'll be right there," he said casually before the storm caused communications to be cut. All alone again was the hybrid in the midst of his fallen foes. They were nothing more than mongrols who instigated violence and were denizens of vanity who deserved to be executed for their sins.

It was a rather easy kill for Naga as infiltration was his forte and demon summoners were typically useless against him without the ability to sense his presence like their demon counterparts. He recalled disguising himself as a member of the occult group using illusion magic before being led into their meeting grounds where a great monolith stood. The occultist group was swift with gathering all their members around a pentagram to summon a deity of sorts. Unfortunately for them their plans would be soiled as they were caught off guard by a mysterious fog.

Disoriented the occult members never knew that Naga had escaped from their midst leaving a trail of explosives set to detonate in mere seconds far behind him. The rest was history as Naga had managed to escape while the explosives decimated everyone and everything inside leaving the scene of gore he currently sat on without any sort of visible concern whatsoever. Quickness and efficiency were crucial to being an assassin as Naga quickly learned during his training to become an effective killer. Luckily it meant his paycheck was insured with his most recent success this time around meaning he'd be able to eat and survive another day.

Conveniently enough the storm had begun to let up as he realized he lost himself in thought and Naga bolted away from the carnage with no witnesses around to spot him. He knew that authorities would soon be there but it was tough traveling through the wilderness and any evidence that could've been left was already blown to pieces. Now all he needed to do was find his liaison outside the kingdom before the sun rose.

Meanwhile outside the gargantuan walls of Prendere....

"Where in the fuck is Orias?! That little shit should've been back an hour ago so what in the name of the Vis is that kid doing now?" Darius groaned in pure irritation at his hired helps less than punctual arrival from his job.

"Oh I wouldn't worry about it boss. That boy may be easily side tracked but after having evaluated his abilities myself I doubt that he wouldn't have carried out his order. Besides we had verbal confirmation from Naga so I'm sure he'll be back in a few moments or so," Lyla assured Naga's unhappy supervisor with a tone of glee.

Darius still uneasy about the whole ordeal gave a frustrated nod before looking off into the distance. In the mean time Lyla took out the same intercom she had used to speak to Naga trying to find some reassurance for herself since she realized that the young assassin was indeed a loose cannon. Excusing herself from the presence of Darius she flipped the switch before speaking again for further confirmation of her charge's location.

"Naga how close are you to the rendezvous point?" she asked concerned about something going wrong during the mission. There was no response for a moment which worried her tremendously as the female Terran's face twisted up in what practically embodied anxiousness itself. As if that wasn't worrying enough Lyla could've sworn she heard a rustling noise from nearby inside the wooded area she had entered. Quickly she had her knives in hand ready to fight to the death only to feel the cold breathe of someone behind her....

With almost super human precision she kicked a leg back forcing her unseen opponent off balance before bending back using the unknown opponents body as a spring board to get behind her adversary. Spinning around she attempted to jab both blades into the gut of her stalker only to have both of her hands locked together with one hand and another pointed outward to her throat. Fearing her death now near she made no attempt to resist but when she looked up her face twisted again from nervousness to pure embarrassment.

"You know you should really be careful when handling sharp objects. You could really hurt someone Lyla," Naga exclaimed a bit off set by her surprising greeting. "Anyways now that I've come back can I expect to get my money's worth for the job I just did?" he replied immediately after with a blank stare.

"You shouldn't sneak up on me like that," Lyla said relieved before placing her knives back into the small sheathes on her hips. "You practically gave me a heart attack," she said trying to laugh her epic failure away.

"We all gotta go sometime," Naga responded returning the humorous quip before the two fellow killers for hire prepared to make their report and more importantly get paid. "Well now that its mission accomplished lets go see how much this guy will pay out to us so we can grab some food," the hybrid spoke revitalized by the idea.

"Always hungry aren't you," the female Terran laughed again.

[1149]
 
Last edited:

Rob

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Hey, Rob here.

A couple of things before I go into more depth:

Your character's persona is very barren, and does not give us anything to go off on apart from the fact that he's apparently 'carefree'. I'd like you to put a bit more effort into it.

Now, while the above seems a bit trivial, the next problem isn't:

Two things: enlil cannot 'fly'. They have an ability at the end of their renown list that gives you the illusion that they can fly - and they can kind of soar a little bit - but there is no such thing as a true, flying race in our RP (not one you can play, at least). Secondly, enlil (and by extent spurii) do not have majestic, angel like wings that span ten feet across. That's just not happening.

I'd suggest reading through the Codex entry for enlil once more to get a better feel of what they look like. At best they have some weak-ass, strange looking half-assed wings that are super tiny, at worst they don't have it at all.

Take care of the above first, and then I'll take another look.
 

Rob

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Heyo, time for round two!

Glad to see you weren't scared away by me being a bit harsh in my earlier review. I'll try to keep it a bit more user-friendly this time around, so don't worry too much about what this asshole has to say to you and know that we're here to have fun!

So, the edits look pretty good, but you do have two mistypes in your biography for him: except and preceded.

The two words you are looking for are: accept, and proceeded.

You use accept when you cannot take something that has happened. "I cannot accept this grade, it's bollocks!" Except is when something is bound to happen, with a certain exception to it. For instance: "You all got a pretty good grade, didn't you? Well, everyone... except for Jonathan."

You use proceed(ed) when something happens and you act upon it. "He had birthed a half blood. As such, he proceeded to kill himself as he could not live with the shame."

Preceded is used when something comes for the other. "The year 2014 preceded the year 2015."

Other than that, it looks good. Change those two words around and do a quick look over once more and post back here, so one of my colleagues can also take a look.
 

Redfin

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As this one looks to me mostly done, I'll throw in my review about your app.

Persona: You want 'couldn't care less' about anyone's opinion of him. If a person could care less, they have some care about a subject.

Physical Stature: This looks alright, though I will say that
Hardly anyone could possibly ever even tell the difference between himself and a normal Laicar side by side.
The sentence reads awkwardly. You've got 'hardly' and 'possibly', both which serves the same purpose of saying not a lot of people could tell. Then you have 'ever even', which is also redundant. Picking one out of two in each pair will help the clarity of the sentence.

Biography: Looks good.

Character skills: Cool

Chapter:
This is a good chapter. The opening sentence really grabs a reader. The after-the-fact way of telling things shows just how unimportant the whole thing is to him.

Just one note, there are no intercoms so to speak. What the world does have is scrying. And our version of scrying allows communication as well. So it wouls be functionally the same for Naga. This is mostly for future reference.

Anyways, I do approve this app. Now you should wait for Rob to come back.
 
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