Reviewed [Oc/Be] Week 233: To travel with you? - Feedback

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I didn't expect a date when I opened this collab. Dante and Aeria make for a cute pair.

I'm going to break away from my normal flow for a moment to address this piece near the end:

”Most of the stuff is related to kinchaa, I guess?” he began, pausing for a chuckle at the realization that his entire life revolved around the sport, ”but to tell you something outside of it, I try to give myself time to travel to at least one other city yearly, but it is getting harder and harder to do that as of late,” Dante finished with a small sigh.

Aeria waited until Dante had told her the one thing that no one else knew and nodded at him to acknowledge his sharing. Before she asked him the follow up question that she was dying to ask, she had to fulfill her part of the agreement.

“You shared so now it’s my turn. I fell out of a tree and nearly died when I was a small child. It was in Boreas when I was playing with the enlil children. One of them glided down from the top of a tree and I thought I’d try it too since I was half-enlil. Of course, I forgot that I didn’t actually have the ability to glide. Luckily my clothing snagged on a branch on the way down and my parents rescued me, but it left me with an intense fear of falling from high places ever since then.”

She paused and asked, “Why is it getting harder to travel of late? Just because your kinchaa playing schedule or….”

”That sounds terrifying,” he replied to her story.

”Well, there has been something missing from my travels lately. Even though I enjoy the views and seeing different places it all seems awfully dull compared to the excitement of high stake competition or a combat situation. There is no equal to the rush I get from them, so maybe I am currently doing it just for tradition's sake,” the athlete paused.
Remember, because this is a private collab, you can move things around before you post it. In particular, in the quoted conversation piece, Aeria tells her near-death experience, then asks a new question, and then Dante replies, "That's terrifying," and goes straight into answering her next question. It's a very unnatural flow to the conversation.

One way to address it would have been for Dante to refuse to answer the next questions. "That's terrifying, wait, let's talk about that!" Or, the better option I'm thinking of would be to simply move his response before the next question. See below:

Revised said:
”Most of the stuff is related to kinchaa, I guess?” he began, pausing for a chuckle at the realization that his entire life revolved around the sport, ”but to tell you something outside of it, I try to give myself time to travel to at least one other city yearly, but it is getting harder and harder to do that as of late,” Dante finished with a small sigh.

Aeria waited until Dante had told her the one thing that no one else knew and nodded at him to acknowledge his sharing. Before she asked him the follow up question that she was dying to ask, she had to fulfill her part of the agreement.

“You shared so now it’s my turn. I fell out of a tree and nearly died when I was a small child. It was in Boreas when I was playing with the enlil children. One of them glided down from the top of a tree and I thought I’d try it too since I was half-enlil. Of course, I forgot that I didn’t actually have the ability to glide. Luckily my clothing snagged on a branch on the way down and my parents rescued me, but it left me with an intense fear of falling from high places ever since then.”

”That sounds terrifying,” he replied to her story.

She paused and asked, “Why is it getting harder to travel of late? Just because your kinchaa playing schedule or….”

”Well, there has been something missing from my travels lately. Even though I enjoy the views and seeing different places it all seems awfully dull compared to the excitement of high stake competition or a combat situation. There is no equal to the rush I get from them, so maybe I am currently doing it just for tradition's sake,” the athlete paused.
There's still tweaks that could make it better, but just that small change makes it seem like there's an awkward silence after he says that. Honestly, I think there would be -- Aeria totally took the conversation on a dark detour with that little story, and Dante's response was telling in that he had little to comment on. So to break the awkwardness, Aeria asks the next question. It's a small change, but it feels more natural, and it's normal for a first date to be awkward.

Now that we've talked about that, my overall thoughts on this collab: Threads, I saw some minor dialogue and punctuation issues in your turns, but nothing major. It's good to see you writing again; I feel like you overthink things too much until you're paralyzed with your own doubts. Just go for it and write -- little mistakes, little oddities, it will all wash out with time and new content. Moon, I'm seeing some improvement in what we discussed before, and your turns flow better because of it. There's still a few moments where I think you're telling us more than necessary, when you could be showing it instead, but not to an extreme.

For both of you, I would really love to see more scene setting. While you both spent some extra time describing clothing (which is good) neither of you took much time to describe the restaurant, the food, the atmosphere. An iron pot of seafood sounds nice, but share more of what it smells like, the heat, the bubbling or the texture. Moon, you and Finny talk food on a regular basis, you know what makes a good meal: you should be making your readers' mouths water if you're bringing up food. In fact, Finny would be a good example to look to, with the meals in his novels (which you and I both read) and the drinks in his PT chaps.

I hope to see more from these two in the future. PT could use a bit more romance.
 

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