Reviewed [Oc] Week 230: Consequences Pt. 1 - Feedback


That One Guy
Staff member
Jul 23, 2009
Hey Moon!

I had some spare time so I figured I'd weigh in, and it looks like I came in at s good time. So fair warning Im bad with catching individual style things so take what I say with a grain of salt. Ready? Here we go:

Overall this was a good chapter that gives the reader a snap shot of Aeria's turbulent life. She's trying to get her life straight, and her past is catching up to haunt her -- even effecting those around her! She needs to do something, but what?

The obvious answer is fight back, and once you lay out the ground work to have Aeria take down TorBru finally I think there'll be a lot of satisfaction in your story for both your readers and you.

So, narratively this was pretty good and sets up your next arc (or furthers your current one).

From the writing end I found myself frustrated with the dialogue. Again, I'm not sure if this is a style thing, and if it is you can pretty much toss what I'm about to say. Firstly, there seemed to be a lot of dialogue tags missing. He said, she mumbled, etc. These tend to be as important as actions because they describe the characters tone of voice, which helps you convey emotion. Not having them leaves your readers a little lost as to how they should interpret the conversation.

And then there were missing actions. Changes in body language, nervous pacing, and the like. These would reinforce the emotions of your conversation for the readers, and build more tension for the longer story where we watch Aeria struggle against TorBru.

You did have some description, but it was detached from the conversation. Doing that feels, well, detached.

"When I say something, I want to be heard!" I shouted and brought my hands down on the desk. The loud, hollow, thump startled my sleeping cat, and their slotted eyes watched cautious. I leaned forward then, lowering my voice to a threatening whisper, "Understand?"

By combining actions close to the dialogue tags, you tie them together and make things easier for you narratively.

Outside if that, it was well written. Good job man, keep it up.


Staff Member
Dec 30, 2012
Hey, Mwn

This will be short commentary, as Hare beat me to it. I also enjoyed this chapter, but I did feel as though something were missing. I found myself wondering what Notius and Aeria look like. I'm a fan of occasional descriptors being sprinkled into a chapter to help remind readers of what the characters look like. Especially on these forums, when readers may be returning to your work after weeks of not reading anything on here, it helps with continuity. This is mostly a stylistic/preference thing, though. I'm pumped for seeing this plotline flesh out and expand to include more PCs


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