Reviewed [Pchap] Week:195: A Fond Memory 5, Denoument - Feedback

Mystydjinn

[Insert rimshot]
Jul 29, 2013
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Flint, MI
#1

swaswj

Administrator
Staff member
Feb 18, 2008
6,623
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#2
Contrary to the other two pieces I just reviewed, this one I didn't much care for. Mechanically, it's mostly sound (watch the dialogue punctuation, I keep reminding you), but it just doesn't feel like a complete piece, and because of that, it seems to drag on without a payoff.

There were opportunities here to expand: the three drunkards, for instance, could have been the catalyst to share a memory of Aelflead's that explains her distrust of the men. After all, at no point did they do anything threatening; dwelling on the uncertainty (but erring on the side of caution) or reflecting on why she never trusts men/drunks/purebloods both would have been more interesting than just repeating, "leave me alone" while the men repeat, "we just want to help." Another opportunity, which I assume is leading into part 6, is exploring the Blue House and what it means to Aelflead. Perhaps you could have shown memories of the previous year flash by, brief snapshots before the contract takes them away.

There was potential here, but because nothing really happened, it ultimately just felt like a stopgap chapter between things happening.
 

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