New App Serin Nightscale - Laicar (Terran)

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Nightangel

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User name: Nightangel

Character Name: Serin Nightscale

Age: 25

Race: Laicar (Terran)
If Spurii, Select Bloodlines:
N/A​

Racial Trait:
Laicar - Adrenaline Rush (Enhanced Run Speed)​


Persona:
Serin is a quiet type who watches things from the shadows. He only cares for the law if it sits right with his morals: if he feels it's causing more harm than good he will ignore it altogether. Serin prefers to stay in the city and mix with the crowds going completely unnoticed.​

Physical Appearance:
Nightscale is of average height and a skinny build. Most don't even notice this though, if they see him at all. He has light brown hair and brown eyes you can be lost in. On his left arm he has a tattoo of a wolf and lion wrestling each other under a clouded moon. There is a scar directly under his right eye from a fight he got in 10 years ago now.​
Serin never leaves home without his black hooded cloak. This cloak has many pockets, not a single one of them is empty, he also wears a mask that covers his nose and mouth leaving his eyes the only recognizable part of his body. He only has pants that fit tightly and boots with padded souls so as to make as little sound as possible.​

Biography:
Serin was born to one of the most powerful families in terminus, they collect tax from every merchant within 50 miles of the city and any who don't pay up suddenly find their business in ruins. At 17 years old Serin realized how disgusting that was and disappeared into the darker side of the city, changing his name. He started a small group of thieves and it has become one of the strongest, if unknown guilds, in the city. They only have one rule, they allow no harm to the innocents and protect those in their territory with zeal unheard of in centuries. Since he rose to power those on the wrong side of the city have eaten better and found jobs easier. The name nightscale is respected with the street rats in every part of the city.​

Skill 1: Discipline of Militis (Soldier - Versatile Melee Combat)
Skill 2: Discipline of Battuentis (Fencer - Light Melee Combat)
Skill 3: Discipline of Pugilis (Brawler - Unarmed Melee Combat)
Skill 4: Art of Cantatus (Enchanter - Enchantments and Portals)
 
Last edited:

Nightangel

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The rise of Serin Nightscale

Serin left the tavern that served as the headquarters of the Wolf guild. The tavern also happened to be his home. He remembered when he first stumbled into the Drunken Tiger 8 years ago, nameless and lost. Erika, the owner and bar keep had taken him in and given him a meal and a room for one night. After that he'd had to fend for himself.

That one night was all he needed. The next day he had come down stairs and a wealthy merchant had come in for reasons Serin did not want to consider, but the reasons didn't matter the Merchant had passed out on the table so Serin stole his coin purse off his body. Feeling no guilt at all Serin handed over 5 coins to erika to cover the meal and the room, keeping the rest of the purse to himself. So his career as a thief began.

Nightscale spent the next few months gathering a following while attempting to not make a name for himself, a good thief is after all never heard of. The Wolves guild wasn't yet formed it was only a small gang, sneaking into the gold district and gathering coins from different merchants businesses. Most of the wealth would go straight to the people who needed it, though some was saved to purchase the land the Drunken Tiger was built on, to ensure the city could never take it. He also purchased Daggers and black cloaks for the rest of the gang who would one day rise to become the wolves.

They were also each given a lock pick set and an herbalist was bought off to make poisons for his gang. Most of these poisons were non-lethal, some were to make his target itch if they were soaked into their clothes, others were to knock the target out if it was put into their drink. He did request one poison that could be long lasting and dangerous if placed on a dagger. While he despised killing, he understood that one day he might not have a choice.

In those early days he had almost been caught many times, having no experience and a large ego but after a run in with a guard who had a clear look at his face Serin learned to be more careful and bought more gear also learning to stake out his target areas several nights in advance. The merchants had started to higher bounty hunters to track him down with no luck. Nobody had any information on Serin because no one could agree on what his face looked like.

Even the locals didn't know the name of the head of the Wolves guild, only Erika and his 5 generals new him by name. They received reports from their underlings and gave them to Serin, Serin gave orders by the same route. The leader of the Wolves may have been a legend but nobody knew anything about him. He could attend meetings and nobody realized their guild head was there watching. The time was coming though, when the Wolves would take down his family mansion.
 

swaswj

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Welcome to PT, Nightangel! I'm Will (don't bother trying to pronounce the username), and I'm going to give your app the first look.

User name: Nightangel

Character Name: Serin Nightscale

Age: 25

Race: Laicar (Terran)
If Spurii, Select Bloodlines:
N/A​

Racial Trait:
Laicar - Adrenaline Rush (Enhanced Run Speed)​
This looks fine, although with a name like 'Nightscale' I actually expected a velen or half-velen character. Nothing wrong with that, though. Actually, since this is a name he assumed after leaving his family, I could see that working to held hide his identity.

Persona:
Serin is a quiet type who watches things from the shadows. He only cares for the law if it sits right with his morals: if he feels it's causing more harm than good he will ignore it altogether. Serin prefers to stay in the city and mix with the crowds going completely unnoticed.​
I think the rest of your application contradicts this. Serin seems to break the law freely, whether it's causing harm or not. Perhaps a rephrasing to clarify that he doesn't go out to harm people, but has no respect for the law.

Physical Appearance:
Nightscale is of average height and a skinny build. Most don't even notice this though, if they see him at all. He has light brown hair and brown eyes you can be lost in. On his left arm he has a tattoo of a wolf and lion wrestling each other under a clouded moon. There is a scar directly under his right eye from a fight he got in 10 years ago now.​
Serin never leaves home without his black hooded cloak. This cloak has many pockets, not a single one of them is empty, he also wears a mask that covers his nose and mouth leaving his eyes the only recognizable part of his body. He only has pants that fit tightly and boots with padded souls so as to make as little sound as possible.​
*soles, first off. The description is good and stands out, but that in itself may be a problem. You said before that Serin likes going unnoticed in towns, but always wearing a mask and hiding in a black cloak regardless of the weather will draw attention. They might not be able to tell who he is under the cloak and mask, but they'll mark his presence. You could keep this as is, or you could make it so Serin always wears the mask and cloak when working, or some other variation.

Biography:
Serin was born to one of the most powerful families in terminus, they collect tax from every merchant within 50 miles of the city and any who don't pay up suddenly find their business in ruins. At 17 years old Serin realized how disgusting that was and disappeared into the darker side of the city, changing his name. He started a small group of thieves and it has become one of the strongest, if unknown guilds, in the city. They only have one rule, they allow no harm to the innocents and protect those in their territory with zeal unheard of in centuries. Since he rose to power those on the wrong side of the city have eaten better and found jobs easier. The name nightscale is respected with the street rats in every part of the city.​
Here, I'd recommend a change in location. It's hard to envision it, but Terminus is a city that's on the scale of a country, around 35,000 square miles. No one family holds a great deal of control over it, and instead you see big organizations and corporations exerting control in their own corners of the city.

Considering what you've written, I'm thinking a domain in the Kingdom of Excelsus. If you don't mind upgrading Serin's family to nobility of some kind (Duke/duchess, perhaps), they could have control over a small duchy, over which they can control the taxes. Something in the northwest, in between the Copiae Ocean and the Sea of Aquilonia, far enough from the King that Serin's family can do what they want, but a good locale for trade. This also gives you more freedom to create the elements of your story.

Mobile warning, the map is big:


If you're wanting something already established, which would be better for meeting up with other players, the city of Lucrus (due east of Terminus, on the opposite side of the mountains there) is a possible location. The Wolf band actually shares similar sentiments to another underground organization there, the Insidiis. Theirs is much narrower in scope, though: avoiding harm to children while engaged in their criminal activities, which include assassinations.

Skill 1: Discipline of Militis (Soldier - Versatile Melee Combat)
Skill 2: Discipline of Battuentis (Fencer - Light Melee Combat)
Skill 3: Discipline of Pugilis (Brawler - Unarmed Melee Combat)
Skill 4: Art of Cantatus (Enchanter - Enchantments and Portals)
Enchanting is an interesting choice. Good for traps, and adding a little oomph to your weapons, and a thief with portals is kind of scary. The melee disciplines are a good choice for a rogue, also. I'd like to point out, though, that you do start out as a novice in your chosen skills. That means Serin will need to have done all he has so far through cleverness and charisma more than feats of skill. He's perfectly positioned as a leader who directs others, but in an open fight, he may be at a disadvantage.

The rise of Serin Nightscale

Serin left the tavern that served as the headquarters of the Wolf guild. The tavern also happened to be his home. He remembered when he first stumbled into the Drunken Tiger 8 years ago, nameless and lost. Erika, the owner and bar keep had taken him in and given him a meal and a room for one night. After that he'd had to fend for himself.

That one night was all he needed. The next day he had come down stairs and a wealthy merchant had come in for reasons Serin did not want to consider, but the reasons didn't matter the Merchant had passed out on the table so Serin stole his coin purse off his body. Feeling no guilt at all Serin handed over 5 coins to erika to cover the meal and the room, keeping the rest of the purse to himself. So his career as a thief began.

Nightscale spent the next few months gathering a following while attempting to not make a name for himself, a good thief is after all never heard of. The Wolves guild wasn't yet formed it was only a small gang, sneaking into the gold district and gathering coins from different merchants businesses. Most of the wealth would go straight to the people who needed it, though some was saved to purchase the land the Drunken Tiger was built on, to ensure the city could never take it. He also purchased Daggers and black cloaks for the rest of the gang who would one day rise to become the wolves.

They were also each given a lock pick set and an herbalist was bought off to make poisons for his gang. Most of these poisons were non-lethal, some were to make his target itch if they were soaked into their clothes, others were to knock the target out if it was put into their drink. He did request one poison that could be long lasting and dangerous if placed on a dagger. While he despised killing, he understood that one day he might not have a choice.

In those early days he had almost been caught many times, having no experience and a large ego but after a run in with a guard who had a clear look at his face Serin learned to be more careful and bought more gear also learning to stake out his target areas several nights in advance. The merchants had started to higher bounty hunters to track him down with no luck. Nobody had any information on Serin because no one could agree on what his face looked like.

Even the locals didn't know the name of the head of the Wolves guild, only Erika and his 5 generals new him by name. They received reports from their underlings and gave them to Serin, Serin gave orders by the same route. The leader of the Wolves may have been a legend but nobody knew anything about him. He could attend meetings and nobody realized their guild head was there watching. The time was coming though, when the Wolves would take down his family mansion.
Reading this did give me more insight into Serin and the Wolf band, but the biggest problem is that this doesn't read like a chapter in Serin's story, it reads like an extension of his biography. In fact, I would recommend adding it to your bio, and then trimming it back some. For a sample chapter, we want to see your character in action. Plucking a few ideas from what you've given, you could do a short chapter of Serin's first night at Erika's; you could give us a glimpse of Serin performing a small heist, and you could have an innocent get in the way just to demonstrate Serin's standards; you could even start from the present time, according to the bio, with Serin making plans to accost his parents.

Overall impression: you're starting from a point that's familiar, and so you're inevitably going to be compared to other similar stories, such as Robin Hood. You'll have to do things to show that Serin is his own thing, and this story is yours, to avoid seeming derivative. Already things seem more grim than Hood and his Merry Men, but be careful not to sink too far into grim -- whether that means injecting comedy or adding bombastic action or introducing elements of intrigue, all of that is up to you as the writer.

Go ahead and work on some of the changes. Reply here when you're ready for another look -- or if you just want to ask questions or discuss ideas. You're also welcome to jump into Discord to chat.

I'm looking forward to hearing more from you.
 

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