Approved Vita, Dominus, The Curator - Demvir (Machina)

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broodboy

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Name: Vita, Dominus, The Curator
Age: 95
Race: Demvir (Machina)


Vigor: 1000
Latens: 0


Persona: Vita, much like many Demvir, has a very self reflective personality. He is philosophic in his approach to life and frames most if not all of his thoughts threw the lens of his belief that his race is Superior. You see, in the eyes of Vita he and his kind were created by the Vis as a means of self preservation. Foreseeing their own eventual demise through means that still remain a mystery born where the Demvir so that for the rest of time there would be some governance of the world using their ideals.

The Demvir are strong, ageless, and meticulous not allowing emotion to override logic. The perfect specimen for preservation of the worlds systems and in Vita's eyes the best objective view point politically. The disdain that the biological felt toward him and his people twisted his own view of them breeding contempt for who they were and how limitless their own ignorance was.

His personal beliefs aid him in his firm Inlustrian faith. Vita's unwavering temperament that the Demvir were created by the Vis directly placed on the contenant to monitor everything in their stead binds him to his core. In the past his faith has been challenged by those who would argue that the Demvir were simply tools places to serve but through his own meditation he is solid in his resolve that he and his kind are far more than mere tools.

These challenges to his faith and his beliefs have only tempered his loyalty to his kind and contempt for all others. This was amplified during the time when he and his people were not recognized as what they are now. The mistrust that seeded his thoughts for biological drove him to learn self defense and developed his hermit like behaviors. The lesser races should always approach with respect if simply not for the fact that in his mind he is direct from the Vis themselves and the age at which they all display. His intent one day is have the Demvir as an objective third party among the other races as a ruler society with vast control over the tradesman sector. To build a city or a network of cities where the histories and knowledge of the world is shared between all of the races.

Vita takes great pride in his work and holds fast the belief that creating life is the closest the Demvir will get to the Vis, their creators. Machines, Golems, and even taming faie or daemons all seem to align with the means to achieve his goals. He knows that he does not have the diplomatic aptitude to convince others to work for him so having autonomous creations of his own design that he can breath life into was the path he chose.



Physical Stature: Underneath his hooded visage is a body scared with slash marks and hateful embossed markings that brand him. Further pushing him to a hermit like lifestyle or at least it had.Vita stands at an unimposing four feet tall. His cold chassis is in the tone of a muted silver while the light that erupts from his core is a deep crimson red. His face is crafted to look intimating with four inward slanted eyes forever in a look of contempt and disapproval. The cuts in his metal body are all very angular as you can see his soul pour from them. Each digit of his fingers are articulated and usually locked in front of him or behind him like an aristocrat.

Granite black cloth wraps around his body in a sleeveless hoodie most often draped over his head. Red trim embroiders every bit of his garment giving him a very hermit look. Ground length linen pants cover the rest of his body as he has grown found of loose fitting garments below the waist. He wears a black bandanna over his mouth to cover his lower jaw from onlookers who might stair at the damage he sustained when he was attacked.


Biography: For several passes of the moon the only thing Vita could remember was the vast nothingness of the cold around him. Unable to move his thoughts drifted into the abyss that was his developing consciousness. He remembered it fondly, the day he was excavated from his frozen tomb. The morning sun pierced the sheets of ice that robbed him of his freedom showing him the beauty of color for the first time. This is how Vita Dominus was born into the world.

However that would be the only beauty he would see from the world for a very long time. Unaware of what he was or even who he was the man responsible for his “birth” immediately sold him to merchant who was interested in his life giving core. Vita was still very innocent in terms of the world and did not know any better. He took everything he was told for face value. Why should he not, he knew nothing of his past or his people. In the city of Cursus, Demivir were all around but treated much less or the same as he was. Tools, parts, slaves, autonomous workers who would complete a task without question.

His Master, an inventor by the name of Demitry, continuously experimented on his body. Cutting parts of him to examine them and not so expertly fusing them back together leaving most of the metal chassis with a physical history of abuse. Over time this behavior became questionable to Vita and the other Demvir around him. They would talk of how they were treated versus the rest of the races. Slowly word of an uprising took hold. One of the Demivir who Vita regarded highly, Maximus, planted the beliefs for who the young automaton would become.

Vita's own self awareness took hold along with many others. Maximus taught him basic hand to hand combat skills taking advantage of his strong exoskeleton. One day, he did the deed, with the screams of death happening all over town Vita murdered his Master claiming his own independence from oppression.

This marked the beginning of what we would now call the Cursus War and an important moment in the history of the Demvir, one that he actually had a hand in. During the countless months of experimentation the robot did not simply just stare blindly into the void but, chose to absorb the knowledge of his Master which would come to fuel his hand in the war. Although a novice his skills in Alchemy and Enchanting became an asset in the uprising and while not famous his name did whisper around the town as a trusted curator and supplier of armament.

After the flames of freedom settled and the Demvir secure in their position as a race Vita lost himself in work and took a back seat to the developments of the world. He would keep up to date with the news but played no part in it. The creation of the Corcillium was an important step into the Demvir as a governing power. This lead to his belief that the Demivir would need to come together in a much stronger way.

From Cursus he set up a small shop in which he deals in his wears in the front and experiments in his workshop in the back. Ethics play no role in his work and the only driving force in his life is results and the unity of all Demvir. However, he cannot do that without leaving Cursus, this he knows. He prepares silently in the void that is silence.

Character Skills
School of Castus (The Immaculate)
Discipline of Pugilis (The Brawler)
Art of Alchemia (The Alchemist)
Art of Cantatus (The Enchanter)


Items:
Name: Tome of Universal Formula

Tier: D

Acquisition: Over the course of a long hours of study Vita has unlocked a deeper understanding of the formulas that the Vis used to construct the world. With precise calculations he has been able to infuse and impart a deeper more efficient enchanting process into this tome.

Description: The tome is the size of a standard text book and carries a hefty weight to it. Simple white leather wraps the binding and its pages which are thin like scrita. The edges of the book are tipped with gold and a black matrix of enchanting formula and arcane symbols adorn its cover and backing. The book itself looks a little processed as if created by a novice with some knowledge.

Effect: The Tome of Universal Formula is designed to allow spells to be enchanted onto its pages, while serving as a catalyst for all five schools of the Vis. The Tome begins with three charges.

Vita may only enchant Basic spells into the Tome, from schools in which he has at least a Novice’s understanding. Up to 3 Novice-level spells can be enchanted onto the pages at one time. Once per round, Vita may cast a spell from the Tome, bypassing verbal or somatic components; this consumes one charge per level of the spell, instead of the caster’s Vigor.

Due to the Tome acting as a catalyst, all spells cast with it, even those not enchanted on its pages, have their magnitude increased by 1. The enchanted spells may be further amplified by expending 1 unit of Dahlitium pulveris, as though cast traditionally.

Spells:
-THE SCHOOL OF AQUILA
Deflector
Aviate
-THE SCHOOL OF CASTUS
Mend
User name: broodboy

Name: [Scripta Volant] - Consumable
Alternate Names: Paper Talismans

User: Vita Dominus

Level: C

Acquisition:
Through his study of Alchemy and Enchanting Vita devised a way to embed parchment with enchanted spells and traps making them powerful talismans, drawing inspiration from folklore and customs of the distant island nation of Songen. The specially derived ink is capable of setting a dormant enchantment upon the paper, to be activated at a later time by Vita.

Item Description:
A paper talisman, or ofuda, is a small, rectangular piece of parchment with symbols and an intricate spell matrix drawn onto it in faint grey ink. When activated, the ink first darkens and then begins to glow. A small weight is sealed in one end of the parchment, allowing the talisman to be more easily thrown.

Ability Description:
The special parchment and ink are designed to be used together, with the particulars to their mixture and activation known only to Vita. The spell matrix incorporates the elements of a chosen spell, and the ink reacts to an influx of the machina's will and vigor, activating the stored spell enchantment on the fly.

Effect:
Each talisman stores a single prepared spell, awaiting activation by Vita. The activated talisman acts as a single-use Trap Enchantment. The spell used must be one which Vita can personally cast, not exceeding the tier of his Enchanting and Alchemy skills. Its magnitude is determined by the lesser of Vita's Alchemy or Enchanting skill. In addition to the material costs of the talisman, Vita must also use the minimum material necessary to cast the spell, if any.

To activate, Vita must hold the talisman and expend 250 vigor. The activated talisman will adhere to surfaces or creatures (besides Vita), and Vita can throw a talisman up to 15m.

Upon activation, Vita can decide if the talisman enchantment will release upon proximity or after a short length of time (up to three rounds). Blueprint:
Lateris:
0
Pulveris: 1
Volantis 2
Enchanted cloak for defense with 3 total charges T1 Pulveris (2) + T1 Enchanting = 3 charges per week. Reduces blows by a magnitude of 1.
4 Healing salves

Personal Feat: Arcanist's Eye

Type: Personal

Description: Vita's logical mind and overly analytical passion to understand the framework of the universe have given him an eye to discern the nature and effect of magical objects and abilities he witnesses, gaining a deeper understanding of how they work. A diffused white glow emanates from a person or item that is infused with or channeling magical energy. Vita can focus on a target, gaining insight on what they possess or are about to use. If magic is predominately from a specific school or plane the glow will tint to a hue indicative of it.

Effect: Vita has the brain of an artisan, and the arcane is his art. He can see whether a target has a permanent magical effect on them, is carrying enchanted items, or is currently channeling magic: this shows as a faint white glow. Focusing on one target at a time, Vita can read the flow of energy to decipher a spell's nature, determine how many enchanted items a target possesses, or the form and nature such enchantments take.

With each passing day Vita become more and more aware of his body, surroundings, and inner thoughts. He had no frame of reference for how one person should treat one another especially for how a Laicar should treat a Demvir but, that would change. Life has he had come to know it would be forged in fire and blood, symphonies of screams and and life essence tempered by the will of steel from the metal men.


It did not come with a mild roar but,rather the beating heart of dormant souls that rose from silence and prejudice. For months Vita and a cell of Demvir he had come to call his collective, although no one else referred to each other in those terms, met. At first the meetings were nothing more than how to better serve the people that owned them. A group of misfits though they were the ever growing expansion of their life force began to create microfractures in their current understanding of who they were.


All around them the biological, or bio's as the scared machine would call them, treated each other with respect. At least in the sense of recognizing one another self being.The creatures of the sea, air, and land all held the other in some regard as having a freedom that the other could not argue. The case for him and his kind was not the same. This was not just in the place where he lived but in every city that the various collectives residedin.


The conversations eventually became much more philosophic among the group as self realizations made them aware that the way each of them was treated was unethical. For Vita this was two fold. One, if no one knew where they came from, rumored to be made by the Vis, then why were they treated so poorly? Two, how would he define his own ethics of how to treat the bio's?


Weeks leading up to the revolts the first question puzzled him. He was made from the Vis a fact Vita chose to hold strong. Multiple religions around the world not only agreed on this but, worshiped his very creators. Why would he not be seen as something divine rather than a mere tool to be abused by the very people that took the gifts of the Gods for granted. Biological's were the reason that the world was in the state it was in.


He understood what he must do in order to fix the world. It would take much time but for the lifespan of someone virtually immortal time would seem but a speck. Insignificant only to creatures who did not have the same fortune that the Vis had granted him. Unless proven otherwise the bio's would be treated with the same contempt as the Demvir and mutually the same respect.


His actions soon became unacceptable to Demitry and he planned to dismantle his beloved servant. This aligned itself with the day the Demvir in Casus took the initiative to gain their own freedom. Months had passed with Maximus as he trained Vitain self defense for his uprising against Demitry. Laicar were fragile things and his Master was even more so being the type to fortify his mind instead of his body.


The stench of of lubricants and smoldering metal filled the air of the dimly lit workshop. The glow from the white lamps casting shadows on the wall, Vita's chest opened up revealing every cog for movement and the low blue humm of light that escaped from his core.

”Demitry, will it hurt?”


Vita's eyes blankly stared at the ceiling while he lay on the operating table. His demise lurking in the shadow of his eye encircling him like a blight. Ready to end his short existence at any moment. The pale white man lifted the tinted goggles from his face a ring of char around where they once were. He put down the tools used to pry open the metal machines chest and let out a raspy cough. Peering over his cold slotted eyes he spoke.


”For you, not made of flesh, I do not think weather it hurts matters or not. I will miss you dearly in a way you could not understand. You will become the energy source for my life's work, the greatest honor I can think for you my slave machine.”


Those words cut Vita more than any blade could have. He knew from his conversations with the others that he had so much more to offer. How dare this feeble sac of meat lowerhim to a power source. Never before had Demitry bolted his machine down for he had no reason to, that mistake would be his own undoing.The soft blue light deepened to a dark crimson red as the wheels and sprockets in his chest began to spin wildly.


Vita took took his Master's head into his hands as he pawed at the unforgiving metal. Slowly almost in enjoyment the thick fingers of the metal man began to crush the skull. Hissing from his hands and joints escaped as steam escaped pushing his body into overdrive.


”You are wrong, Laicar.It is you who should feel honored. For too long have I allowed you to shackle myself awareness. No more! I hope the afterlife for you is far more forgiving than if I were to allow you to be my subject. Nofall into darkness so that you might be resurrected in a new life with a more appropriate station, ant.”


The man let out a massive bone chilling shriek as blood sprayed across the facade of Vista. Red trailed down into the cracks of his body showering the metal with his latemaster's life force.


Primal energy erupted from his mouth filling the air with a mighty roar. Born again of blood, the coming battle would forge for him a new place in the world. He yelled at the top of his lungs as the screams of other biological filled the air in the night.


”VITA,” he proclaimed proudly shaking the bits of Laicar from his hands and wrapping his body in black robes. He rushed out the door to the meeting place Maximus told him to go should he survive his rebirth.Satisfied with leaving his life behind and ready to start his next chapter.
 
Last edited:

Redfin

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Hi, this is a review of your application!

In your biography:
One day, he did the dead, with the screams of death happening all over town Vita murdered his Master claiming his own independence from oppression.
The word you want here is 'deed', not 'dead'.

Overall, whoa, that is quite a character. Are all of the things you're describing things? If not, they should be things because they're interesting and cool. I really like the character concept, and I was surprised to read he is only 4 feet tall. That's fun, handy, and something I did not expect. Vita is an interesting demvir with some solid foundations to everything he is and does.

Sample Chapter
You have a lot of places in the chapter where you're oddly missing spaces between words. Like it happens multiple times per paragraph. I'm not sure why it's happening. It's like whatever program you wrote it in didn't add the space at the end of each line break. I want you to go through the chapter is fix all of that.

There are some other minor mistakes, for instance, you called them the Viz instead of the Vis. Also
All around them the biological, orbio's as the scared machine would call them treated each other withrespect.
This sentence is missing a comma after ...the scared machine would call them. Imagine it as a parenthesis. If that part of the sentence can be removed and isn't important to the meaning of the sentence, if should be wrapped in commas.

This alignedit self with the day the Demvir in Casus took the initiative to gaintheir own freedom.
Itself should be one word.

â€VITA†Heproclaimed proudly shaking the bits of Laicar from his hands andwrapping his body in black robes.
This sentence, the dialogue part, it should go like this:

â€VITA,†he proclaimed....
Every spoken dialogue ends with some kind of punctuation. If the following part is of the same sentence, that punctuation should be a comma, and the following part is a lower case, since it is the same sentence.

The first part of your chapter feels kind of like an extension of the biography. The second part feels more like a story rather than background information. It's fine, but I only got to see a bit of Vita, and it's information you told me already. It could have been more personal and detailed, I guess, if we had more of the relationship between Vita and Demitry.

You have a solid application with an interesting character. Just touch up the errors and let me know when you have.
 

broodboy

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Thank you for the compliments! I made the edits, no clue why the spacing did that. And yea, I can see how the chapter can leave you wanting more but hey isn't that a good thing? Maybe now you'll want to read the rest!

ha, what did you mean by "Are all of the things you're describing things? If not, they should be things because they're interesting and cool," just out of curiosity? I didn't know if you wanted me to explain something or not.

yes! 4 ft tall makes the perfect tinker kind of guy! haha

Ready for a second look.
 

Rob

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Hiya!

I am a nitpicker, so let's go!

He is philosophic in his approach to life and frames most if not all of his thoughts threw the lens of his belief that his race is Superior.

Threw? I think you mean through! Unless Vita likes to literally throw his lenses around.

The Demvir are strong, ageless, and meticulous not allowing emotion to override logic

Odd sentence structure there. Either cut it up into two or rewrite it so that it doesn't read as oddly. "and meticulous not allowing" just reads a little off. "ageless, and meticulous so as to not allow their emotions ot override logic"

The perfect specimen for preservation of the worlds systems and in Vita's eyes the best objective view point politically

worlds means plural, I think you meant world's for possession.

In the past his faith has been challenged by those who would argue that the Demvir were simply tools places to serve but through his own meditation he is solid in his resolve that he and his kind are far more than mere tools.

Sentence starts off okay, but turns into some kind of amalgamation halfway through when you write "tools places". I know what you're trying to convey, but your sentence doesn't. Better to put a period after tools, and start a second sentence. For instance. "Only good as servants of all sorts of places, but through..."

Okay, so... enough of that. I could actually go on for a bit into spelling, grammar and sentence structure, but I'll spare you that for now (altho, if you ever feel like you need/want some pointers on certain rules, feel free to hit me up on Discord).

What stands out strongest for me in your writing is that you are very verbose in your choosing of words. This, while not necessarily a bad thing, can become a bit of an eyesore in writing as it often gives off the impression of being more robust than it actually is. For instance, in your persona alone I got the distinct feeling that you told us the Demvir were created by the Vis as a sort of monitoring pressence. Three times. In three different ways, that all boil down to the same core point: they are created by the vis.

It is very much a tell, not show kind of writing (which is trying to convery your exact wording to a reader, rather than letting them imagine a setting or scene).

That said: I like Vita, he's a complex character. A self-reflective supremacist. I hope you can keep that front up, because that is not an easy persona to write. Self-reflection often goes together with more liberal arch-types as they compliment each other nicely. This one doesn't compliment nearly as well, so that should be interesting!

Biography and Stature are fine, they have some of the issues listed above, but nothing major, so let's get to the last part: the sample chapter.

One thing I've noticed in your writing is that you put your buts before your commas, and it doesn't really work that way most of the time. Generally speaking, you place the comma after the but. What I want you to do is read every sentence where you put a comma after but, and treat it like a period instead.

For instance:

During the countless months of experimentation the robot did not simply just stare blindly into the void but. Chose to absorb the knowledge of his Master which would come to fuel his hand in the war.

Right in the void butt.

So, as a rule of thumb: every time you want to type a comma... ask yourself this: if I put a period there instead of a comma, would the sentence still work? If the answer is yes, put a comma. If not, don't.

Altho, if I wanted to be really nitpicky, I would go with don't use a comma if you can help it. But I will give you this piece of advice: don't over rely on commas.

All right, before I send you off on your merry way with a few final things: it's not necessary to use different colours to differentiate speakers. You can, and if you prefer it that way yourself, by all means. But, (see, now I can use the comma after :D) it can detract a little from the 'immersion' of writing.

I know it might be a stylistic choice, or what have you, but writing out words in capital letters in dialogue is some of the saddest things you can do to dialogue! There is so much freedom in writing dialogue - from accents "ya'hear" to straight up slurring stuff, that typing words in all caps makes it seem cheap instead.

"Vita," he proudly proclaimed, almost as if he were shouting.

That basically does the same as what you did, but withotu cheapening the dialogue.

As for what Finny said, there are still some spacing issues in your writing, especially near the end where instead of typing: "my self-awareness" you wrote "myself awareness" which is a whole different can of beans.

Also, if you're ever unsure as to what word to use: type it in google and look up the definition. Sometimes you write a word that has a different meaning to what the sentence alludes to, and that might just be a case of not having the spelling down.

Either way, a lot of this stuff is learning as you go, so take what me and Finny said to heart and be on your way Demvir!

Approved.
 
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