Vox - Laicar (Terran)

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Is This Character Approved?


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Aug 6, 2018
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#1
User name: Arashin Sovereign

Character Name: Vox

Age: 20

Race: Laicar (Terran)
If Spurii, Select Bloodlines:
N/A​
Racial Trait:
Laicar - Adrenaline Rush (Enhanced Run Speed)​

Persona:
Vxo was a youthful soul, one who loved to laugh and socialize. Until The Long Night where he lost his entire village to an unknown assailant. Since then Vox has become quiet and reserved, but glimpses of his old soul still shine on. Never afraid to ask questions or speak out against adversity he stands true to his mission to find out the truth of what happened to his people above all else.

Mild-tempered and naturally intelligent Vox is a force to be reckoned with when he sets his sights on a worthy goal. The northern tribes however still shroud themselves in the ways of old, with unusual beliefs and superstitions. Even though Vox has left his homeland behind he still finds himself bound to his peoples' beliefs.​

Physical Appearance:
Vox is the epitome of a strong traditional Masak man, standing tall at 6'2 with a strong jaw and dark brown skin. His long, thick black hair is styled in the way of a Pruinas mane, a Euxine claw necklace made from his fathers first kill adorns his neck. The years of hunting and living in harsh conditions have left him with a strong durable physique.

The light blue and white parka and heavy pants of his people are always close at hand, lined with Euxine feathers and Praeca fur it shelters from even the harshest weather. His grandmothers travel pack and his fathers' spear and shield are strapped to his back and forearm respectively.

His cold blue eyes and shaven, stoic face show unyielding power lurking in his core. The single armband he wears shows the skills of the finest weavers of his village, intersecting lines of black meeting at a hollow circle which shows the face of a Pruina, the fox-thief; the chosen mounts of his people.​

Biography:
Voxs' people are the Masak, a migratory tribe of hunters who move with the seasons all over the Arctoa Wastes. He was raised by his father after his mother had died due to complications with her pregnancy. When Vox was five his father was killed out in the Wastes hunting the Nanuk or "Great white bear". After that, he was left in the hands of his maternal grandmother, the villages Bolas a title that encompassed more than merely chief in his tribe.

Vox learned at the feet of his grandmother, learning his peoples' entire oral history and survivalist ways. She taught him the ways of Masuetis who made the beasts yield to his might will, and the way of Alchemia. He was trained like all young Mask people in the way of the spear and shield, and when his intelligence was deemed sufficient he was taught the ways of Cantatus so that he may have any advantages over his prey.​


Skill 1: Calling of Mansuetis (Beast Tamer - Melee Minions)
Skill 2: Art of Alchemia (Alchemist - Potions and Divination)
Skill 3: Discipline of Contigeri (Lancer - Polearm Melee Combat)
Skill 4: Art of Cantatus (Enchanter - Enchantments and Portals)

Approved by: Poll results
 
Aug 6, 2018
7
0
1
21
#2
Sample chapter:

The Aurora set the heaven ablaze, and down below the cosmic fire the children of the Masak tribe gathered around the blazing fire of their village. Tonight was a bitingly cold, as was its wont in the northern wastes of Araevis. The children had finally gathered and were in a semicircle facing the fire and in front of them stood the Bolas, the village wise woman; she was the village teacher, scholar, doctor, chieftain, historian, and so much more. The Bolas was always a woman in the Masak tribe, it was a position of great honor, the title meaning “She who walks through snow”.

The village always gathered at night for a communion meal, and to hear the histories and stories of their ancestors at the feet of the Bolas. Tonight was no different as a young man named Vox, barely older than ten and seven years sat and looked on with interest at his maternal grandmother Muli, the current Bolas of his people and his only family left. She held not only his and the other young people's interest but even the parents who had heard the stories for many years now. Tonight she began with the stories of the Arctoa Euxine a large avian predator who was prone to stealing Pruina pups and unattended children. As she continued her story the adults moved ever closer to the fire, taking seats near their children and loved ones, taking comfort from the light of the fire and Aurora and the entertainment the Bolas provided.

As she started her tail of the Vis, Vox’s family Pruina, a vulpine mount named Malaq who had recently given birth snuggled up to him with her new pup. Vox lifted the baby Purina into his lap and pet her while settling back into Malaq’s fur. Soon the Bolas spoke of The Calamity, and she grew impassioned telling the story of the saviors of old; those who had led the world to safety and into the new age. As she spoke his gaze turned towards the heavens and the otherworldly dance that was taking place there. He could see what she was speaking of in the heavens, The Eternal City, the cracking ground and fiery rain from the hellish fury of Mount Denuntiare.

Then he couldn’t see it, couldn’t see anything in the sky at all, as if the stars and lights had been sucked up and done away with. The beautiful light-filled sky he had been staring at was black and empty and all around men and women panicked as choked gurgles and screams consumed the night. The Pruinas began to snarl and raced about the dying firelight, snapping at foes unseen and snarling warnings to all who would heed them. In the chaos a pair of hands wrenched Vox from his seat upon the ground and clutched him closely; his grandmothers' breath ragged and gasping in his face as she looked him the eyes.

“RUN!” She rattled blood beginning to bubble from her wind-bitten lips. “Run from here and return only in the light, when the white has quieted and the cursed have left us behind! RUN VOX! Run and be strong!” She finished with sudden vigor shaking him at the end and pulling him into a rough embrace that caused the pup in between them to yip suddenly.

Pushing him away she pulled her knife and turned back to fray and raised it high above her head before bringing it down forcefully with two hands. Right into her chest, and as she did so a loud wailing arose from around the village, a savage keening of an animal deep in pain; and so Vox turned and ran, ran away into the tundras arctic night. He never looked back to the village, never wanted to, all he wanted to do was get away, away from this home that had turned into the blackest of hell.

He ran for hours, late into the night until the blizzard set in and he had to tuck the near freezing Pruina pup into his White parka lined with Euxine feathers; and still, he walked, stumbling half frozen through the snow. One of his grandmother's first lessons ringing in his ears.

Never stop moving when you are out there on the apijaq, never let the cold seep into the bones and make you sleep. Always, always stay moving!

“Always... Move.” he huffed into the night through bleeding lips his breath coming back only to crystallize on his face. Then he came to a point where he could no longer go and he fell, first to his knees, then to his side so he wouldn’t hurt the young pup; and even though his grandmother had always warned him he went against his instincts, his teachings, and Vox succumbed to slumber.

As he lay there rasping in the cold storm winds the small pup peeked its head out of the top of the parka looking out across the snowy horizon before shifting to gaze at Vox. He smelled like the young Pruinas mother, and while the pup did not see her mother she saw no reason not to employ what her mother had taught her. Slipping out from the top of the boys' parka the little Pruina set about sniffing around on the ground looking for another Pruina’s scent, or fresh snow to burrow into. Finally, after a few minutes, she had what she wanted and began to dig not even four feet from the resting boy's body.

The pup dug for half an hour, within the first ten minutes it had dug its way into another Pruina’s tunnel system, this one much bigger, almost as big as the not-quite-mother-male she had traveled here with. She then spent the next twenty minutes making the tunnel down big enough to drag Vox through; and so she returned to the surface and began to lick his face a cry, biting at the hood of his parka and gently tugging. After a few grunts and Vox waving his hands barely trying to fend off his “attacker”, she had gotten him to crawl just barely. So she tugged more and yipped more until she had half led/ half dragged him into the tunnel's opening and nudged him down into the hole.

Once he had slid down and was resting below she used her tail to sweep out and cover most of the hole behind her as she too slid to the bottom. There she nudged her arm up and over her body and snuggled in, taking in the scent of the snow, the village, and her mother before she too sought out sleep.

It was sometime later when Vox became aware of a whining and yelping, followed by a harsh snarl. He forced his eyes open, tearing at the lashes that had become frozen and making him hiss in pain which silenced the noises he had first heard. He looked ahead into the tunnel’s darkness from his position on his stomach and then turned to his side slightly to see a full-grown Pruina past his feet, a small pup’s tail held in its teeth.

“What do you think you’re doing aypak?” He asked looking at the larger canine smiling slightly. The Pruina in question merely growled a bit at him and continued to try and drag the pup down the tunnel.

“Hey!” Vox exclaimed rising to his knees and turning quickly before the fox could get much further he reached out to grab the pup himself and pull her back; but the larger animal saw this and released the pups tail to snap at his hand and give him a fierce growl. He scrambled backward and held his hands up in surrender. The fox-eyed him warily and then returned to its task of trying to remove the pup from Vox’s vicinity.

Vox himself watched in silence before he leaned forward on his knees again, and ignoring the Pruina’s threatening growl he held his hand's palm up and chest level before speaking as his grandmother taught him.

“Great Pruina, we mean you no harm. Me and this small one are of the Masak, the people of the snow; I ask that you do not take her from me as all of my people have been taken, I ask that you let us have safety here from the storm and that we promise to leave you in good health when the sun rises.” He kept his palms up as he spoke and his head lowered, waiting for the Canidae to judge him.

Just as he had begun to worry a low wine filled the tunnel and he looked up to see the larger Pruina sitting with ears lowered simply staring at him. Then the pup raced towards him and began to cover his face with slobbery kisses. Vox laughed and wiped the spit off, rose, and held the pup to his chest. He leaned into the tunnel's wall, legs stretching to touch the opposite.

“It’s just us now little one, tomorrow may hold more for us but at the moment… It is only you and I.” he reiterated sadly. The puppy whined and reached up to lick his face again, he smiled looking down on her and suddenly had to voice his thoughts.

“You will need a name.” He began firmly. “Grandmother said you would be mine when you were old enough anyway. Hmm…Hatix?” He asked looking the pup in the eyes, she reached up and nipped his nose hard.

“OW! Alright! Not Hatix…” He grumbled rubbing his nose. “Uluung...Atuung...Chaang...Sichi...Aalax-” At this, the pup gave a loud yip and scrambled to reach his face to lick it, Vox chuckled and indulged her for a minute before moving her lower and wiping his face once more.

“Aalax then.” he smiled gently at the dog who squirmed free of his arms and was now laying across his lap belly up. He had totally forgot the other Pruina sitting quietly observing the two until it had crawled up him and sniffed his elbow. He started but tried not to jump up and away from the creature and fracture the tentative truce he had somehow established. The sneaky fox then began to nudge his arm into the air with its snout forcing its head underneath his arm.

“What do you think your-WHOA!” He exclaimed as the large animal pushed him over and covered both him and the pup with its warm body. He laid there stiff and unmoving, it wasn't until he saw the fur of the Pruina’s mane begin to shift and move and Aalax’s head stick out that he relaxed; and once he had the adult Pruina let out a huff, licked his face before and turned to unseat the pup and grab it by its developing mane to set it back on his chest.

There they stayed all the night, the trios breathing masking the howling of the wind. When morning broke and Vox arose it was to see the tunnel empty, save him and the small pup asleep in the crook of his arm. Sometime before he had awoke the fox thief had slunk off in search of other adventures. He blinked the sleep from his eyes and laid there staring at the tunnels roof, he had been hoping that it was a dream, that he hadn’t had to see what he saw and do what he had done last night. He hoped that it was all a joke, a cruel joke by the Bolas and other adults to make him scared and that when he returned they would be cooking breakfast and laughing around the morning fire. But in his heart, Vox knew the truth. He would return as his grandmother commanded him. He would make the long walk back home to see who was left...What was left of his people.

The walk was silent, the pups head and forepaws hung out of the neckline of his hooded parka. She too was quiet and her ears alert, as if sensing the importance of the silence. When at last the village was in Vox ran, ran as fast as the fastest northern wind. Straight into the sea of teepees, he hurled himself to the community fire, where he hoped to find some sign of life.

It was to his utter sorrow he didn’t, there in the snow surrounding the fire was an ocean of frozen blood dying the snow crimson. Though he looked around for someone to help or a body he recognized he saw none, the bodies of everyone were gone. It was him and Aalax alone, in the midst of his village with the winds haunting song ringing in her ears. When the numbness and shock of him being alone faded he lifted his parka and removed the Aalax and set her gently upon the ground.

“Aalax!” He commanded. “Stay close.”

He set about searching the snow more thoroughly for bodies or anything and anyone to help explain what happened here. He searched the whole center area near the fire and found nothing, searched every tent nearest to him and still found nothing. It was nearing noon when his realization set it, he was utterly alone. There no tracks leading to or from the fire, in or out of the village aside from his own tracks from the previous night. What was most peculiar to him was the fact that his tracks didn’t even begin until he had reached the edge of the perimeter. It was like every footstep taken within the village that night was erased.

He crouched outside near the edge of the tents and called Aalax back to him before she could wander away from him and the village. He picked her up with one hand and gazed into the heart of his village, after his footstep revelation he was fearful to actually set foot again in the village.
What’s the big deal? He thought angrily to himself, It’s just the village, I was already in there once and nothing bad happened. This thought more than any other he had calmed him slightly about returning. Still, he was filled with trepidation, if he had his way he would have hugged the little Pruina closer and made for the south. As it was his people lived to far north, if he truly wanted to go south he would have to gather supplies; and to gather supplies, he needed to once again enter the village. So he took a deep, steadying breath and strode forward with purpose towards his family’s tent.

When he had reached it he stopped by the door to secure the Aalax to the wooden post that sat near his tents entrance just for that very thing. Aalax didn’t seem to mind since the last Pruina to be secured here had been her mother. The pup had sniffed the collar and post before trotting around the snow nosing about looking to unearth more evidence of her mother. Vox shook his head and chuckled at the silliness of the little creature, he pushed aside the fur curtain that closed off the tent from the outside and stepped in.

The teepee was modest with a pit in the center for a personal fire on those long arctic nights, and the fabric walls were hung with ceremonial spears and shields. He gazed around sadly a moment before walking over to his aunts' side of the living area and grabbed her large travel pack. He stuffed it with essentials and things he couldn’t leave behind, his pictures of his family, two sets of extra clothes (cold weather and warm), his family’s pingasut which was a book of enchantments and a sort of personal journal used and compounded on by his family since they began. He grabbed his grandmothers bone handle Athame and felt a pang of sadness for her. His last family member, the woman who taught him all his skills from taming the beast of the wild with the will of Mansuetis, or the way of the Contigeri that his people perfected for centuries, to the art of Alchemia and the subtlety of Cantatus.

He wiped tears from his now wet eyes and sobbed once before setting his face and stuffing the Atame into the bag even as he stuffed his feelings into himself. He had to leave this place behind him and travel south. It wasn’t safe here and with winter returning soon he had to leave or he would starve, once he had everything he thought he would need he strapped the pack to his back, grabbed one of his fathers hunting spears and a shield and turned his back on his home that he hoped with all his heart to return to.

He walked into the late afternoon sun face set with determination and sureness. He looked down to Alaax and smiled slightly at the pup who was sitting on her haunches in the snow ears laid back and eyes squinted staring off into the horizon. He reached down and pet her head once before unhooking the tether at the pole and tugging slightly to get her attention. Alaax looked at him, yipped once and jumped up to nearly drag him along out of the village. She was strong for her age and would grow well, she was still young however and prone to wandering still so the tether was a must. For now.

Feeling better than he had a moment ago he smiled again at the Pruina pulling him along and picked up his pace; hoping that in the coming weeks and adventures that he would find the answers he sought for himself.


[Words- 2948]
 

swaswj

Administrator
Staff member
Feb 18, 2008
6,593
16
38
32
#3
Welcome to Post Terminus! I'm Will, and I'll be giving your application the first look-over. You should see a poll at the top of the thread. Once two staff members give you a 'Yes' vote, you'll be official.

Feel free to jump in the Discord chat any time to talk or ask questions, most of us don't bite. You can use the sidebar chat on the forum to post as a guest if you don't have an account.

Leading off, I'd like to say that your application is very well put together. I don't get the same Inuit vibe from the name 'Vox' as from some of the other names in your chapter, but I do find it appropriate that his name is Vox and his partner is (essentially) a fox. Age twenty, so that gives us a three year time gap between the sample chapter and 'present' time; I look forward to seeing how Vox's changed over that time, after such a huge loss. With regard to the persona, since we were seeing a younger Vox, I would have liked to see his more social side in the chapter, but that aside, I appreciate that the tragedy seems to have made him more reflective and cautious, rather than more hateful.

Vox's appearance does a great job of drawing a connection with his people. I also like how his skills are tied back into his backstory. Despite this being only the beginning of Vox's story, he already feels well-developed because everything fits together. I do have to point something out regarding his skills, however: Alchemia and Cantatus are both reliant on the Magic Schools to get the most out of them. You can make salves and enhance gear, but potions and imbuing spells require at least some Novice-tier casting knowledge. I realize those might come later (we only give you 1k to start with), but wanted to be sure you're aware.

As a quick aside, spear and shield is a style I don't think we've seen here, yet. Variety is always welcome.

On to the chapter. This is a great look at what happened to Vox, but I have to be honest, I always prefer to find out who a character is before I find out how they became who they were. Show me Batman before you show me Bruce and his parents behind the theater. That being said, the chapter does a great job of leading into how Vox gets set onto this path that takes him beyond his homeland. We establish a history, a persona, a motivation, and an ultimate goal. As opening chapters go, it's very solid. The only downside is, as I said, you'll be jumping ahead three years rather than following the story directly from here.

The description of the Arctoan wastes as this frigid but beautiful place, warmed by the family, paints the icy north in a new light. The Masak tribe clearly draws from Inuit cultures and you do a good job of using that inspiration but adapting it into the PT world. I also want to thank you again for slipping in details of Araevis, because it's nice to see that you read some of the world lore.

The transition from story time to the massacre was abrupt, however, and somewhat muddled. You've already written far more than necessary for a sample chapter, so I shouldn't complain about length, but this is an event that should be especially vivid to Vox and I feel like there could have been more detail, or at least some indication that what's written isn't all that he experienced. As a reader, though, I'm very curious about what happened, why Muli seemed to recognize it and was so quick to stab herself to try to stop it.

The remainder of the chapter I really enjoyed. Despite the grim tragedy that just befell Vox and Aalax, and without forgetting that it happened, the rest of the chapter takes on a somewhat mystical quality. Aalax saving Vox from freezing to death is fantastic and whimsical, as is Vox beseeching the adult pruina for protection. It all suggests there's more magic in the world than can be understood with potions and incantations. We also see the beginnings of Vox as a determinator, moving on past his grief, forcing logical choices like preparing for survival rather than rushing off unprepared.

That was a long way of saying: good job on the story. We're only halfway there, though. We also have to look at mechanics. For the most part, your writing is solid. Typos here and there distract from the story, but I think most of them were the fictional words we use for the RP, so I can't fault you much there. Speaking of those words, though, the next concern on the table it capitalization. Things like pruina, praeca, and euxine don't need to be capitalized every time you use them. There's a common tendency for all of us to capitalize words foreign to us, but one reason you don't want to do it is that it creates false emphasis on something you were using in a normal fashion. For the most part, proper nouns are the only ones to worry about capitalizing, like Aalax, as opposed to common nouns, like pruina.

On a similar note, there wasn't a lot of dialogue to review, but be sure not to capitalize the first word transitioning out of dialogue. If you're writing in MS Word, or some other word processors, they autocorrect this incorrectly, meaning you have to manually change it back every time. I'm including some examples below.

“What do you think you’re doing aypak?” He asked looking at the larger canine smiling slightly.
“What do you think you’re doing, aypak?” he asked, looking at the larger canine smiling slightly.
Here is where word processors will autocorrect incorrectly. Since He asked, looking at the larger canine smiling slightly. is not a complete sentence on its own, we have to assume it's modifying the dialogue. Even though the dialogue ends in a question mark, we still treat the following piece as part of the same sentence, so 'he' is not automatically capitalized. The same is true with exclamation marks. Also take note of the additional commas.

“You will need a name.” He began firmly.
“You will need a name,” he began firmly.
Since He began firmly. is not a complete sentence on its own, we have to assume it's modifying the dialogue. In that case, we replace the period with a comma, lowercase the 'h,' and make it one sentence.

“OW! Alright! Not Hatix…” He grumbled rubbing his nose.
“OW! Alright! Not Hatix….” He grumbled, rubbing his nose.
This is correct, except you need comma after grumbled and a period after the ellipsis (...) to indicate that the sentence ends there. An ellipsis cannot close a sentence, and without the period, it means "more was said that I have omitted." Since He grumbled, rubbing his nose. makes a complete sentence, it is separate from the dialogue.

“Aalax!” He commanded. “Stay close.”
“Aalax!" He commanded, “Stay close.”
“Aalax,” he commanded, “stay close!”
Since He commanded. is not a complete sentence on its own, we have to assume it's modifying the dialogue. "Aalax!" alone isn't a command, so we have two options. The first is to modify the following dialogue, creating two sentences; the second is to modify both pieces of dialogue, creating one sentence. I would lean toward the second option.​

All in all, though, I don't think these errors should hold you back, in light of all the positive aspects of the application. Think of them as suggestions for the future. I'm granting my seal of approval. Hopefully by tomorrow another staff member will give you a second opinion, and if you get your second thumbs up, we'll move forward.
 
Sep 22, 2009
2,324
9
38
#4
Well I don't have much to add to what Will has said. It is a really solid application and there's nothing stopping me from giving you my own seal of approval! Welcome aboard and it is lovely to have you! I look forward to writing with you in the very near future.
 

swaswj

Administrator
Staff member
Feb 18, 2008
6,593
16
38
32
#5
Congrats, Arashin, and welcome aboard!

You can put up your profile post here. Just what you have in the first post is enough, but be as creative as you'd like in setting it up.

You have 1000 Latens to spend on skills and 500 Exa to spend on items. You can spend those here in the shop. The word 'purchase' is a button, although it doesn't immediately look like it. Each time you post a chapter, you should earn some additional latens and exa.

Speaking of which, come up with a title and repost your sample chapter here in the Writing board to get started.

Feel free to ask any questions here or here (or in Discord chat), but this thread will soon be moved to 'Approved Applications' and posting will be closed.
 

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