It is I, your friendly neighborhood Moon, here to provide my comments on this chapter! We will start with the overall idea behind it which is a good one. I like the notion (and have explored it a little bit myself) of the demvir trying to become united. I also like the notion of a global communications network that Vita wants to establish. The way he intends to seek out masters in individual areas to learn from them and combine their powers is also quite an interesting one. I'll enjoy seeing how you explore it!
I think that you are showing some of Vita's character here quite nicely. His revolutionary zeal is clearly strong as is his desire to seek justice. There is also a good indication of his talent with invention and creation so that helps to nicely outline elements of his personality that I hope you expand on in the future.
In terms of writing, I think things would benefit from more proofreading. There are some typos and easily corrected errors that I'm sure you'd catch if you had a careful look or two through again.
I won't go into a long analysis of everything because if you really want that, I will do it in a PM with you. I'll just point out a few things to remember in future. The first is that all of the races aren't capitalized. It is just demvir, velen, spurii, laicar. The second thing to remember is that anything a character is thinking should be in italics. So where Vita asks, "How does someone create a movement?" that should be in italics. The other big thing I noticed is sentence fragments like, "The apex of his current skill used to construct and enhance his wardrobe. Better protected than he normally would be to the naked eye. A proverbial invisible defense."
I think it should read something like, "The apex of his current skill had been used to construct and enhance his wardrobe. He'd be better protected than he normally would be to the naked eye. It was a proverbial invisible defense."
As I said, if you want a more in-depth grammar/mechanics discussion, we can do that in private messages. Overall, though, I think you are off to an interesting start and I look forward to seeing how it all shapes up!
I think that you are showing some of Vita's character here quite nicely. His revolutionary zeal is clearly strong as is his desire to seek justice. There is also a good indication of his talent with invention and creation so that helps to nicely outline elements of his personality that I hope you expand on in the future.
In terms of writing, I think things would benefit from more proofreading. There are some typos and easily corrected errors that I'm sure you'd catch if you had a careful look or two through again.
I won't go into a long analysis of everything because if you really want that, I will do it in a PM with you. I'll just point out a few things to remember in future. The first is that all of the races aren't capitalized. It is just demvir, velen, spurii, laicar. The second thing to remember is that anything a character is thinking should be in italics. So where Vita asks, "How does someone create a movement?" that should be in italics. The other big thing I noticed is sentence fragments like, "The apex of his current skill used to construct and enhance his wardrobe. Better protected than he normally would be to the naked eye. A proverbial invisible defense."
I think it should read something like, "The apex of his current skill had been used to construct and enhance his wardrobe. He'd be better protected than he normally would be to the naked eye. It was a proverbial invisible defense."
As I said, if you want a more in-depth grammar/mechanics discussion, we can do that in private messages. Overall, though, I think you are off to an interesting start and I look forward to seeing how it all shapes up!
