Reviewed Week 220: Jade Handle - Feedback

swaswj

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Feb 18, 2008
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#2
Well, there they are. I mentioned in the previous review that I was surprised the others weren't there with Dom. happy with the way you integrated them into the story rather than leaving them as background or fodder. As this goes on, I'm getting more Tarantino vibes, but that's not inherently a bad thing. Just be careful not to let it color your dialogue exchanges too much.

While I'm glad that the others are remaining relevant, I'm confused by their connections. The twins disposed of the body without question (perhaps without even being asked?) and the line about growing up in the slums doesn't quite cover it. You established before that only Dom knows that Micali is an assassin, so what do the twins think happened? Do they think the man tried to rob or rape her and that's why she killed him? Rosa's reactions are more of what I'd expect and it really makes me love the character. She's so far out of her element but still trying to do what she can. As mentioned, why is she working in a bar instead of serving in the Arcanum somewhere important? The answer should be interesting.

Dom's part in this confuses me. He sways between, "I know you're an assassin but I'm not about that life," and, "I'm not in the game anymore and I can't believe you're still at it." At times he seems disconnected from it all and at others he seems to know more about what's going on than he's letting on. Is it that it's written oddly, I'm reading it wrong, or is this an intentional characterization?

Technical notes: you have a few instances where you dipped into present tense. You misspelled Rosa's name a few times. The extra spaces between paragraphs are because of pasting from Word (I assume) to the WYSIWYG editor. You can avoid it by pasting to the Source editor (click the gear icon in the post box). There's supposed to be an update soonish to fix that on the forum side of things.
 

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