Reviewed Week 254: Catching Up, Standing Still - Feedback

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MoonlitRain014

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Overall, I can just simply state that I am enjoying the budding interactions between Rosa and Micali. I want to see how their relationship develops and how their bond might increase. You do an excellent job of slowly drawing them together and also at illustrating their connection that Micali is resisting for her own complicated emotional reasons. This emotional reaction was nicely shown in how she became more withdrawn. I also like the fact that you brought a twist of something darker and more dangerous in at the end of the chapter.

I think, for instance, that there are a few places where showing and not telling might be good. The one that is a strong example is this, “Micali’s emotions bubbled up somewhere between rage and anxiety. The turn of tone was unexpected, and left her in the strange position of wanting to defend herself and also defuse the tension.”

I wonder if there’s a way that you could illustrate how those emotions are bubbling between rage and anxiety rather than just stating that they are. It might be more effective to let the reader see rather than simply explain things.

Another example is here, “Micali felt entirely alien as six eyes fell to her at the question, and she floundered as the walls closed in.” Again it might be interesting to have you show us how Micali reacts physically to the walls closing in and let the reader infer that she’s being spooked by the question that’s being asked.

As I say, I don’t want to be too much of a hypocrite about this as I feel like my writing’s potentially not as well-worked out as yours is but I do hope that my suggestions are at least somewhat useful. As I say, I really haven’t got a lot to pick apart in your writing and I enjoy seeing where you’ll take the story!
 

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