Reviewed Week 265: The Attack on Flumen Petram - Feedback

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Valero

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ooOOooh

SpIcY

I really loved how the characters came together in the first half of this chapter. I didn't know any of them but by the end of their interactions I felt like I did. The banter was great.

Then the second half just... owch. Watching each of them fighting to the end and slowly getting overrun as they put in their best efforts was just heartbreaking man. The final scene in the eye of the storm was so ominous and actually made me worry for what's happening to that poor village/town place.

There were like one or two typos, and one or two phrases sounded a little awkward, but otherwise it was a really good in-depth read that made me feel for the characters just before they were massacred.
 

swaswj

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Finally getting around to commenting on this.

One thing I'm uncomfortable with is the political talk near the beginning. It feels like a transparent reflection of politics in the real world, rather than a discussion of the politics within the fantasy world. Be sure you're talking about spurii and not -insert race here-.

With your dialogue, remember to capitalize the first word of a sentence as you move into speech, as below. It's an error that crops up through the entire chapter.

Laminn chimed in on the two’s squabble though she sent a tired look their leader’s way, “Pretty naive to think equality is something achieved and not impermanent..."​

Little details aside, you did a great job with this piece, really showing the velen tenacity and courage under fire, as well as the relentless and hopeless fight they were forced into. The use of the storm to signify the coming threat was also a good touch, and I think you've given me some devious ideas for future encounters.
 

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