Reviewed Week 265: The Attack on Flumen Petram - Feedback

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Valero

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ooOOooh

SpIcY

I really loved how the characters came together in the first half of this chapter. I didn't know any of them but by the end of their interactions I felt like I did. The banter was great.

Then the second half just... owch. Watching each of them fighting to the end and slowly getting overrun as they put in their best efforts was just heartbreaking man. The final scene in the eye of the storm was so ominous and actually made me worry for what's happening to that poor village/town place.

There were like one or two typos, and one or two phrases sounded a little awkward, but otherwise it was a really good in-depth read that made me feel for the characters just before they were massacred.
 

swaswj

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Finally getting around to commenting on this.

One thing I'm uncomfortable with is the political talk near the beginning. It feels like a transparent reflection of politics in the real world, rather than a discussion of the politics within the fantasy world. Be sure you're talking about spurii and not -insert race here-.

With your dialogue, remember to capitalize the first word of a sentence as you move into speech, as below. It's an error that crops up through the entire chapter.

Laminn chimed in on the two’s squabble though she sent a tired look their leader’s way, “Pretty naive to think equality is something achieved and not impermanent..."​

Little details aside, you did a great job with this piece, really showing the velen tenacity and courage under fire, as well as the relentless and hopeless fight they were forced into. The use of the storm to signify the coming threat was also a good touch, and I think you've given me some devious ideas for future encounters.
 

Mystydjinn

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Dude.

Good. Mother. Fucking. Job.

This was executed really well. In particular, your pacing was pretty amazing in this piece from the slow establishment of the norm and the smooth characterization brought with that argument, to the flow into and of the action as Quae and Inam returned with news and the struggle of each member of the company.

I would like to mention the way the political argument in the piece went as well. Good shit, 8/10.

The spurii are a group that's written into the lore of the world to be victims of prejudice and due to the nature of this world being one that's getting back on it's feet it makes sense that debate on how they are to be included or not included in society is going on. There are some differences between this world and our own that would make how prejudice occurs, some specific differences being that because of the recency of the establishment of institutions, moral, and social standards in this world the oppression they face would be a bit more blatant when it occurs and slightly less systematic like what you showed here.

However; due to (what I'm largely assuming to be fair) the lack of a systematic and well-funded education system in any part of Araevis, it's unlikely that most common folk are talking about these things the way a pair of pundits on opposing sides on Earth would. They'd need to all be as educated as most of us in developed parts of the world are, or have direct influence from someone who could teach them.

All in all, that gripe was honestly kind of negligible and might not be accurate depending on how Pelagia trains it's military. I'm mostly just generally glad to have the topic of oppression in this world put on display more often. Araevis, and any world we create is ultimately a reflection of the one we live in. In a scenario like the one we're in where we have created a world that can have multiple writers showing the reader different aspects of it, it's good to make sure the ugly parts aren't glossed over.

I will say the prospect of more zombies is not gonna bode well for the nerves of a Geamhess passenger, but I'm personally even more excited for things to come.
 

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