Reviewed Week 297: Amongst the Wilds - Feedback

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Sep 22, 2009
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Hello Toddles! Time for a review. Don't get nervous, you know that I don't bite. I am really interested to learn more about Kai. He's got a backstory full of interesting connections and challenging moments which adds to his complexity as a character. He is far from one-dimensional.

Overall I think you have strong powers of description and you are pretty good, generally, about showing and not telling. One place where you might have done it better is here," The beast was a magnificent specimen, some far off and logical part of the dark haired Snipers’ mind told him." I would think that perhaps you could have described the creature and showed what Kai's reaction was through expression and gesture instead of telling us about it.

What worked well was describing the bristleboar and how badly such a powerful creature was damaged. It does set up the reader to wonder what horror could do such thing to a massive animal. I certainly am compelled to find out what happens next and what the party discovers.

There are one or two typos that aren't too bad but they aren't worth worrying about unless you are obsessive like me. There was also this redundant sentence, "The pair turned and started watching the forest." after they are ordered to watch the forest anyways. I might have done something like, "Two pairs of eyes swept over the forest, carefully observing as ordered."

Overall though I am drawn to Kai as a character, you've made me care about him and for me that's quite important in a character! Keep up the good work, Toddles.


Writing Week is 308

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