Pending Week 305: Shallow Breaths - Feedback

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Apollo

Tradesman
May 29, 2020
16
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1
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In the 10 years or so I've been writing HD/PT, this is like the second time I've ever reviewed anybody's writing so if I'm shitty at this, don't be surprised. You've been warned. And reviewed. Or feedback'd. Fedback? Whatever.

I liked it. The tension and suspense here is captivating for someone like me who has never read any of your previous writings with Kaizaell and doesn't know who the creepy velens or Caniir are. It makes me want to go back and read previous pieces and to keep up with the story as it unfolds.

I like how you've written it purely through imagery and action as opposed a omniscient perspective wherein everything is spelled out for you. Specifically, when Kai spits blood onto the floor after getting jabbed with the spear. It leaves the writer to wonder whether Kai is the cautious type, trying not to piss off his wards or if his reticence there means he's just waiting for an opportunity to break free and snap their necks at the first chance. That, again, leads me to want to read more to figure out who Kaizaell is.

That's actually what I've been attempting to do in my writing with Apollo so I like it.

There are a few sentences that could've used a period as opposed to a comma, just to break up the pace of it, but fuck it. If you like it, I love it.

:hypnoparrot:
 

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