Please post any comments, critique, and other feedback here for Week 319: Anamnesis by Eloquii Aequoris.
Reviewed Week 319: Anamnesis - Feedback
- Thread starter Eloquii Aequoris
- Start date
- Watchers 1
Ok Inks, I swear I'm not doing this just for the sketch. I'm going to throw my thoughts on the page as I read, so please forgive any rambling.
One thing I'd like to note that I liked about this chapter (and your writing in general) is how you format it. The way you intersperse the character's thoughts and feelings in sentences that are separate from any paragraphs or in parentheses seems to mimic the way some thoughts intrude on a character's internal narration. A sort of "form matching content" sort of thing.
Your writing tone matches what's going on for the character very well in general. The fragmented and sometimes rambling narration helps readers feel just as confused as El is when he's adjusting to his new surroundings. They also help recreate the feeling of shock that Eloquii must be feeling.
Another point of interest is when you switch from past tense to present tense after the first little section. That first section seems like a prelude to the rest of the chapter. I'm not quite sure what it achieves other than marking off that bit as a separate section.
I find it interesting how you alternate between flashbacks that give partial answer's to Eloquii's question and Eloquii questioning this being that's now bound to him. I do like that he seems unable to fully process what's going on but you don't just state that through narrative. El literally can't see the faces of certain people in the flashbacks and this other being tells him it's because he doesn't want to know despite El's claims that he wants to know.
Oh fuck. I wasn't expecting that. It's very jarring to see El's parents calling him and this beast a monster while they're trying to kill it. I started to realize that the pravum infected his mother, but not that she would ask his father to kill her. You definitely did a good with that plot twist there.
OKOK
Now that I've reached the end, I gotta say this was an emotional chapter. You did so, so well. I only have one gripe. Coloring the pronouns blue for El/the pravum during the flashback drove me nuts. It was pretty distracting.
That's it.
One thing I'd like to note that I liked about this chapter (and your writing in general) is how you format it. The way you intersperse the character's thoughts and feelings in sentences that are separate from any paragraphs or in parentheses seems to mimic the way some thoughts intrude on a character's internal narration. A sort of "form matching content" sort of thing.
Your writing tone matches what's going on for the character very well in general. The fragmented and sometimes rambling narration helps readers feel just as confused as El is when he's adjusting to his new surroundings. They also help recreate the feeling of shock that Eloquii must be feeling.
Another point of interest is when you switch from past tense to present tense after the first little section. That first section seems like a prelude to the rest of the chapter. I'm not quite sure what it achieves other than marking off that bit as a separate section.
I find it interesting how you alternate between flashbacks that give partial answer's to Eloquii's question and Eloquii questioning this being that's now bound to him. I do like that he seems unable to fully process what's going on but you don't just state that through narrative. El literally can't see the faces of certain people in the flashbacks and this other being tells him it's because he doesn't want to know despite El's claims that he wants to know.
Oh fuck. I wasn't expecting that. It's very jarring to see El's parents calling him and this beast a monster while they're trying to kill it. I started to realize that the pravum infected his mother, but not that she would ask his father to kill her. You definitely did a good with that plot twist there.
OKOK
Now that I've reached the end, I gotta say this was an emotional chapter. You did so, so well. I only have one gripe. Coloring the pronouns blue for El/the pravum during the flashback drove me nuts. It was pretty distracting.
That's it.