Reviewed Week 348: The Game Is Afoot Part II - Feedback

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swaswj

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What I think should have been the most momentous part of this chapter -- the reveal of the Outside Ones -- was glossed over shockingly quickly, and they were killed off with such ease that I was expecting there to be a trick or a trap. Unless I missed it somewhere in a previous chapter where they were revealed, I would have thought only Tersius would be unsurprised by their appearance.

If I were to offer advice: I think this would have been improved by spending time giving a deeper, even exaggerated description of the Outsiders, lingering on how alien and foreign they are, and show them preparing to attack in some way. Their attack breaking on the protection from the professor's device and then Tersius, having seen them before, being the first to fire, snapping everyone else out of their surprise. Actions of a few seconds, nothing more, but written in a way that gives weight to the moment.

I'm actually unsure what sort of 'warrant' rules would be in place in Terminus. I don't think there'd really be one, but I'd have to double-check what people have written before as precedent. The Quaestorium would have the legal upper-hand for certain, which I believe your final lines do indicate (it was unclear).

There are still things I'm wondering. Did TorBru rise to prominence because of the Outsider influence or did the Outsiders work with TorBru because they were prominent? I believe an earlier chapter suggested that TorBru certainly benefitted from the arrangement but was is the chicken or the egg first?
 

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