Reviewed Week 355: Wake - Feedback

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swaswj

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The use of second-person was unexpected but a great way to share that feeling of confusion and fear with the reader. It works well in this context, although one change I would have made, would be to position it as present tense rather than past tense. It's all a preference, though, not right or wrong.

I love the dark theme here and how it is mostly understated. The 'evil' is a callous one, not a malicious one, someone who looks at another being empty of compassion or empathy. Delos doesn't see Abbey(?) as a person, but as a thing, something to be gathered up, maybe shined up, and sold. It's chilling and written very well. I particularly liked the moment when the narrator is surrounded by people all looking at her. The final spoken line of the chapter was also perfect, labeling her as 'demvir' and with that word denying her autonomy, denying her free will.

I think the awakening of a demvir can be such a poignant moment and there's so many different ways it can play out depending on what era they awake in and who does the waking. I really like your take on this one.
 

Dojat

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Heya Abbey,

First off, gotta say that I'll never get tired of reading demvir awakening stories, they're so varied yet share the important themes and aspects. On the topic of tone and content, this chapter does a lot with its word count. I won't retread on Kyle's notes here, but just know that the dark mood, the grimy atmosphere, and the actions from and depictions of Delos sell him as an already stellar figure, though I'm interested to see if his character tips more villain or something more grey. On the use of past tense, I actually found that it added to the grim mood, like the character's fate was already sealed.

On a technical level, there are a few mistakes where it seems like you were in a good rhythm of writing and just didn't catch a typo here or there. This could probably get fixed up by a quick once-over (or even passing it on to a friend to read through) but know that it doesn't detract from the actual content itself, where I actually will echo the previous sentiment on it being a really stellar take on a demvir awakening.
 

MoonlitRain014

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First of all -- welcome back! I feel that just leaping right into the action was an ideal way to write the awakening. You have made it all immediate, sharp and intense. Atmosphere oozes from the writing and immediately grabs the reader and immerses them. I enjoy the sense of disorientation and increasing panic that grows in the midst of that filthy, dank background.

Delos is a figure of threat and danger which you also convey well through action and expression. I am interested to learn where you're going to take this tale. You certainly have me hooked and ready to read on!
 

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