Reviewed Week 358: Metallic Meditations - Feedback

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swaswj

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I love the descriptiveness throughout the chapter. It's a unique blend of spiritual, intellectual, and calculating. While I haven't read anything exactly like it, this immediately feels right for the mind of an investigator: using his captivity to pore over evidence in his mind, with acute detail that suggests eidetic memory. The inclusion of different senses and portrayal in an analytical light also reflects Laermont's machina nature; for a being that's partly detached from those senses, it's all interpreted as information.

I'll assume the team's release had something to do with my musings on the previous chapter, and while I still feel the details are unclear, I immediately appreciate the acknowledgment that TorBru and Mercuti have limits. There are things they can't do. In my opinion, a good villain is one that has limits and yet remains a threat, because it establishes a gap between the antagonists and protagonists rather than a wall.

All around the demvir a network of pipes, obscured and metallic, snaked.

This line lands oddly. I think you're better off putting the verb before the adjectives. I'm guilty of violating this myself, but a good general rule is to have as few pauses in a sentence as necessary.

All around the demvir a network of pipes snaked, obscure and metallic.
 

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