Yasuke Pugnus - Laicar (Terran)

Is This Character Approved?


  • Total voters
    2
  • Poll closed .

Kyojin

せかいせいふく
Sep 27, 2018
17
0
1
33
www.facebook.com
#1
User name: Kyojin

Character Name: Yasuke Pugnus, sometimes nicknamed "Kyojin"

Age: 25

Race: Laicar (Terran)
If Spurii, Select Bloodlines:
N/A​

Racial Trait:
Laicar - Adrenaline Rush (Enhanced Run Speed)​


Persona:
Yasuke normally is a calm and focused man. Discipline and order, as well as an understanding of right and wrong, were taught to him from a very young age on and thus influence his thinking and acting in a great way. Although he is not an iceberg without visible emotions he also is not known to normally exaggerate his expression of those. However he has been observed showing much warmth and surprising gentleness towards those close to him.​

Physical Appearance:
Tall in growth, broad shoulders, muscles and a jawline as hard as the mountains surrounding his home. In short: Yasuke is a walking mountain himself. But while his height (2,12 m) is a blessing of nature, the muscular build and a healthy physique is a trait shared by almost everyone in his village. Especially his broad chest and tree-trunk-like arms (he is among strongest of Northheim) are acquired through hard work, as well as the straight and upright posture (see below).​
He holds his head high and his gaze is always vigilant.​
His blonde, long hair and short-trimmed beard are a gift of his father, who stems from the northern most mountain ranges of Araevis, while the sharply cut facial features, a slightly darker skin tone and a hint of almond shape in his grey eyes come from his Songen mother.​
His clothes consist of undyed or only slightly dyed leather, wool, linnen and fur. Sturdy and protective against the cold winds is the first rule. So he wears leather boots and trousers, a linnen tunic and a coat made of thick wool, with a nice piece of warm white fox-fur around the shoulders.​

Biography:
Yasuke was born in a small village called only by the common name of Northheim deep in the mountain ranges of Hiemis (located roughly two weeks on foot east from Terminus). His father was a blacksmith and trader and his mother a refugee from the isolist state of Songen. He never knew why his mother had come so far up into the north and she never was willing to talk about her past. But she taught him discipline and focus and gave him a basic knowledge in some martial arts, while his father taught him blacksmithing and the worth of some good and hard work you can do with your own two hands. As he grew up most things in life were taught to him by his parents, although there existet something similar to a village school, held by one of the elders. There basic skills were taught like hunting small game, cooking or building quick shelter, but also more complex skills like alchemical healing potions.​
All in all it was a harsh and demanding but also true and honest environment to grow up in. Nothheim lies in a valley quite similar to Terminus (although many times smaller) and is protected from the worst weather phenomenons. But ressources are scarce and crops are difficult to grow. This allowed for less free time between school and home teaching as Yasuke had to help his father more and more as he grew taller and stronger. Good and strong weapons and tools were essential to surviving in Northheim, as much for own use as it was for trading to buy much needed supplies they couldn't produce themselves.​
Thus Yasuke grew slowly up to become the strong young man he is now.​
As he had become a fully grown adult and even taller than his father (who was still tall with 1,93m), it showed that Yasuke wasn't destined to stay in Northheim and become successor to his father and continue as the village's blacksmith. A tradition, only rarely observed in the past decades, said that exceptionally young women and men should go out into the world and learn new skills to bring back to Northheim. And as Yasuke's father was still in his best years and strong as an old oak he proudly send his son to fulfill an old tradition, become something special and strengthen his village in the process.​


Skill 1: Discipline of Barbaris (Barbarian - Heavy Melee Combat)
Skill 2: Discipline of Pugilis (Brawler - Unarmed Melee Combat)
Skill 3: Art of Aedificare (Blacksmith - Weapons and Armor)
Skill 4: Art of Alchemia (Alchemist - Potions and Divination)

Approved by: Poll results
 
Last edited:

Kyojin

せかいせいふく
Sep 27, 2018
17
0
1
33
www.facebook.com
#2
It could be smelled and heard long before it was actually in sight. Terminus. The largest city in these lands, maybe in the whole, wide world. To Yasuke it seemed strange, that so many people would want to live together, that a village would grow so massive without groups of people leaving and founding other villages. How could they feed and clothe all of theirs?​

For all of his live up to this point Yasuke’s world had consisted of his small village, Northheim. A little under two hundred people, half of them related to him, the other half friends of the family. Everyone knew everybody. Everybody helped each other. One did what he or she could do best or otherwise helped someone else and the whole village contributed to the modest wealth of Northheim. It wasn’t easy, hard at some times and almost unbearable in a really harsh winter. But it was rewarding, it felt good when everybody worked hand in hand and could see what they accomplished. They never had much surplus of anything to trade with, most of it coming out of the forge of his father, but all in all they had enough to provide for a good life in their small community.​

So Yasuke was a country boy. Born and raised in this environment. It still bothered him that he had left his family and his friends as he was one oft he strongest of his village and could have helped a lot in his father’s forge or in the defence of Northheim. But there was this tradition. Yasuke himself thought it was rather stupid. If his father hadn’t insisted to follow that old tradition he never would have left. But here he was, going out into the world, trying to find knowledge and skills he could learn to bring back to his village someday. To become an elder and teach all he had learned to the next generations. It probably sounded good to the ears of his people, but not to his. And, oh boy, it didn’t smell good. Terminus stank. He was now in sight oft he sprawling city and it almost knocked the country boy, used to the ever fresh mountain air of his home, unconscious before he even entered the city. Why did he have to walk two weeks across the land to come here? Right, traditions... There was probably no better place than Terminus. But it sure as hell didn’t feel right.​

Yasuke was drawn away from his thoughts as he felt something plucking at his shoulder bag. He turned his head to his side and then way down, until his eyes met the bloodshot ones of a small, bald man that had his hand in his bag. There was a few moments of silence as the two stared at each other.​

„What are you doing?“ Yasuke asked slowly and eerily calm. His voice was deep and full. He didn’t move, but his grey eyes seemed to glow. The bald man -he was very thin and clothed in rags- jumped backwards a foot and produced a small knife. Yasuke, a blacksmith’s son and a blacksmith himself, saw with one short glance that the knife was old and probably as sharp as a patch of moss.​

„Gimme‘ all your exa, boy, or I’ll cut ya to pieces.“​

Another second of silence, then Yasuke slowly reached for the knife, took it by the blade and wrought it easily out oft he man’s fingers. He had been right. This knife wouldn’t cut anything, not even warm butter.​

„I don’t think so.“ Yasuke said.​

The bald man stumbled backwards, eyes wide open with fear, then turned around and ran without another word. Yasuke stood there with the knife still in his hand as another voice adressed him.​

„That was pretty ballsy, man.“​

A second man, not much older than Yasuke himself this time, stood grinning about two meters away.​

„Why do you say that? He couldn’t have cut me with this piece of metal even if he tried. Don’t know what he thought, it’s completely beyond repair. Good steel though.“ The last words he mumbled and let the old knife fall into his bag. Never waste good materials. „Besides, he wouldn’t have found any Exa in my bag.“ He added, just to make sure that the other one understood. There really was no money in his bag. He kept it in the inner pocket of his coat. But the other one just raised his hands, palms outward, as a sign that he meant no harm.​

„Don’t worry, man. I’m not interested in your money, I have a stable job myself and I’d rather die than steal.“ He spat, seemingly in disgust of this thought.​

„Name’s Quintus, or Quin. Everyone calls me Quin.“​

Quin put forth his hand. Yasuke hesitated only a short moment before he took the hand and shook it.​

„I’m Yasuke.“​

„Firm handshake but strange name. Where is it from?“​

„Hm, my mother is from Sangen.“​

„Ah, okay, got it. So, you’re a blacksmith I take it. The way you talked about that knife, you just sounded like my brother in law. He has a small forge…hey, wait a second. You got something to do at the moment? Man, that would be cool. My brother in law has some serious big contracts right now and really struggles. You could help him. What you say, man? I’ll talk with him and I’m sure he will be fine with it.“​

„You’re offering me a job? We just met.“​

„I liked how you handled the situation without smashing that baldies skull. Looked like you’re an honorable person.“​

„I am.“ Yasuke's voice sounded almost a bit upset. At home no one would have ever doubted that.​

„See, exactly the man Bracchus, my brother in law, needs. Come on, man, I can even show you a small place where you can stay for a very reasonable price until you have found something of your own.“​

He really sounded honest. And Yasuke couldn’t see any sign of treachery in Quin’s face. Not that he necessarily would have been able to tell. But what else should he do. There was the chance for an honest job, to earn some Exa and gain some time to sort things out. So Yasuke nodded and followed Quin into the heart of Terminus.​
 
Last edited:

swaswj

Administrator
Staff member
Feb 18, 2008
6,623
17
38
32
#4
Alright, Kyo. Once again, welcome to PT. I'm going to be giving this the first look over.

User name: Kyojin

Character Name: Yasuke Pugnus, sometimes nicknamed "Kyojin"

Age: 25

Race: Laicar (Terran)
If Spurii, Select Bloodlines:
N/A​

Racial Trait:
Laicar - Adrenaline Rush (Enhanced Run Speed)​


Persona:
Yasuke normally is a calm and focused man. Discipline and order, as well as an understanding of right and wrong, were taught to him from a very young age on and thus influence his thinking and acting in a great way. Although he is not an iceberg without visible emotions he also is not known to normally exaggerate his expression of those. However he has been observed showing much warmth and surprising gentleness towards those close to him.​
So far, so good. He's stern but not emotionless, just stoic.

Physical Appearance:
Tall in growth, broad shoulders, muscles and a jawline as hard as the mountains surrounding his home. In short: Yasuke is a walking mountain himself. But while his height (2,12 m) is a blessing of nature a well trained body is shared by almost everyone in his village and especially his broad chest and tree-trunk-like arms are acquired through hard work, as well as an straight and upright posture (see below).​
He holds his head high and his gaze is always vigilant.​
His blonde, long hair and short-trimmed beard are a gift of his father, who stems from the northern most mountain ranges of Araevis, while the sharply cut facial features, a slightly darker skin tone and a hint of almond shape in his grey eyes come from his Songen mother.​
His clothes normally consist of undyed or only slightly dyed leather, wool, linnen and fur. Sturdy and protective against the cold winds is the first rule. So mostly he wars leather boots and trousers, a linnen tunic and a coat made of thick wool, with a nice piece of warm white fox-fur around the shoulders. An armour, should he wear one, would be at best a short and light chainmail or scale shirt, worn under the outer-most layer of clothes.​
Some of the wording became awkward here. For instance, the sentence about his height could be written as such:

But while his height (2,12 m) is a blessing of nature a well trained body is shared by almost everyone in his village and especially his broad chest and tree-trunk-like arms are acquired through hard work, as well as an straight and upright posture (see below).

While his height (2,12 m) is a blessing of nature shared by the people of his village, his broad chest and tree-trunk-like arms were acquired through hard work.​

With regard to his clothing, it's good practice to write from the perspective of what Kyojin is wearing, rather than what he might wear.

Biography:
Yasuke was born in a small village called only by the common name of Northheim deep in the mountain ranges of Hiemis (located roughly two weeks on foot east from Terminus). His father was a blacksmith and trader and his mother a refugee from the isolist state of Songen. He never knew why his mother had come up so far up into the north and she never was willing to talk about her past. But she taught him discipline and focus and gave him a basic knowledge in some martial arts, while his father taught him blacksmithing and the worth of some good and hard work you can do with your own two hands. As he grew up most things in life were taught to him by his parents, although there existet something similar to a village school, held by one of the elders. There basic skills were taught like hunting small game, cooking or building quick shelter were taught, but also more complex skills like alchemical healing potions.​
All in all it was a harsh and demanding but also true and honest environment to grow up in. Nothheim lies in a valley quite similar to Terminus (although many times smaller) and is protected from the worst wather phenomenons. But ressources are rare and crops are difficuot to grow. This allowes for less free time between school and home teaching as Yasuke had to help his father more and more as he grew taller and stronger. Good and strong weapons and tools were essential to surviving in Northheim, as much for own use as it was for trading to buy much needed supplies they couldn't produce themselves.​
Thus Yasuke grew slowly up to become the young man he is.​
As he had become a fully grown adult and even taller than his father (who was still tall with 1,93m), it showed that Yasuke wasn't destined to stay in Northheim and become successor to his father and continue as the village's blacksmith. A tradition, only rarely observed in the past decades, said that exceptionally young women and men should go out into the world and learn new skills to bring back to Northheim. And as Yasuke's father was still in his best years and strong as an old oak he proudly send his son to fulfill an old tradition, become something special and strengthen his village in the process.​
Some typos here, but all in all I appreciate this backstory. There's a bit of mystery in his mother's heritage and reasons for leaving Songen, but no major trauma forcing Yasuke out of his home. He's motivated by a call to see the wide world and bring back his experiences. I like it.

Skill 1: Discipline of Barbaris (Barbarian - Heavy Melee Combat)
Skill 2: Discipline of Pugilis (Brawler - Unarmed Melee Combat)
Skill 3: Art of Aedificare (Blacksmith - Weapons and Armor)
Skill 4: Art of Alchemia (Alchemist - Potions and Divination)
Solid combination that's in keeping with the backstory. Nothing else to say here.

It could be smelled and heard long before it was actually in sight. Terminus. The largest city in these lands, maybe in the whole, wide world. To Yasuke it seemed strange, that so many people would want to live together, that a village would grow so massive without groups of people leaving and founding other villages. How could they feed and clothe all of theirs?
For all of his live up to this point Yasuke’s world hat consisted of his small village, Northheim. A little under two hundret people, half of them related to him, the other half friends oft the family. Everyone knew everybody. Everybody helped each other. One did what he or she could do best or otherwise helped someone else and the whole village contributed to the modest whealth of Northheim. It wasn’t easy, hard at some times and almost unbearable in a really harsh winter. But it was rewarding, it felt good when everybody worked hand in hand and could see what they accomplish. They never had much surplus of anything to trade with, most of it coming out of the forge of his father, but in whole they had enough to provide for a good life in their small community..
Yasuke was a country boy. Born and raised in this environment. It still bothered him that he had left his family and his friends as he was one oft he strongest of his village and could have helped a lot in his father’s forge or in the defence of Northheim. But there was this tradition. Yasuke himself thought it was rather stupid. If his father hadn’t insisted to follow that old tradition he never would have left. But here he was, going out into the world, trying to find knowledge and skills he could learn to bring back to his village someday. To become an elder and teach all he had learned to the next generations. It probably sounded good to the ears of his people. But not to his. And, oh boy, it didn’t smell good. Terminus stank. He was now in sight oft he sprawling city and it almost knocked the country boy, used to the ever fresh mountain air of his home, unconscious before he even entered the city. Why did he have to walk two weeks across the land to come here? Right, learning new things. There was probably no better place than Terminus. But it didn’t feel right.
Yasuke was drawn away from his thoughts as he felt something plucking at his shoulder bag. He turned his head to his side and then way down, until his eyes met the bloodshot ones of a small, bald man that had his hand in his bag. There was a few moments of silence as the two stared at each other.
„What are you doing?“
Yasuke asked slowly and eerily calm. His voice was deep and full. He didn’t move, but his grey eyes seemed to glow. The bald man -he was very thin and clothed in rags- jumped backwards a foot and produced a small knife. Yasuke, a blacksmith’s son and a blacksmith himself, saw with one short glance that the knife was old and probably as sharp as a patch of moss.
„Gimme‘ all your exa, boy, or I’ll cut ya to pieces.“
Another second of silence, then Yasuke slowly reached for the knife, took it by the blade and wrought it easily out oft he man’s fingers. He had been right. This knife wouldn’t cut anything, not even warm butter.
„I don’t think so.“ Yasuke said.
The bald man stumbled backwards, eyes wide open with fear, then turned around and ran without another word. Yasuke stood there with the knife still in his hand as another voice adressed him.
„That was pretty ballsy, man.“
A second man, not much older than Yasuke himself this time, stood grinning about two meters away.
„Why do you say that? He couldn’t have cut me with this piece of metal even if he tried. Don’t know what he thought, it’s completely beyond repair. Good steel though.“ The last words he mumbled and let the old knife fall into his bag. Never waste good materials. „Besides, he wouldn’t have found any Exa in my bag.“ He added, just to make sure that the other one understood. There really was no money in his bag. He kept it in the inner pocket of his coat.
But the other one just raised his hands, palms outward, as a sign that he meant no harm.
„Don’t worry, man. I’m not interested in your money, I have a stable job myself and I’d rather die than steal.“ He spat, seemingly in disgust of this thought.
„Name’s Quintus, or Quin. Everyone calls me Quin.“
Quin put forth his hand. Yasuke hesitated only a short moment before he took the hand and shook it.
„I’m Yasuke.“
„Firm handshake but strange name. Where is it from?“
„Hm, my mother is from Sangen.“
„Ah, okay, got it. So, you’re a blacksmith I take it. The way you talked about that knife, you just sounded like my brother in law. He has a small forge…hey, wait a second. You got something to do at the moment? Man, that would be cool. My brother in law has some serious big contracts right now and really struggles. You could help him. What you say, man? I’ll talk with him and I’m sure he will be fine with it.“
„You’re offering me a job? We just met.“
„I liked how you handled the situation without smashing that baldies skull. Looked like you’re an honorable person.“
„I am.“
Yasuke voice sounded almost a bit upset. At home no one would have ever doubted that.
„See, exactly the man Bracchus, my brother in law, needs. Come on, man, I can even show you a small place where you can stay for a very reasonable price until you have found something of your own.“
He really sounded honest. And Yasuke couldn’t see any sign of treachery in Quin’s face. Not that he necessarily would have been able to tell. But what else should he do. There was the chance for an honest job, to earn some Exa and gain some time to sort things out. So Yasuke nodded and followed Quin into the heart of Terminus.
First thing, I have to comment on the formatting. Since forums don't recognize indentation (at least not the way we'd like them to) be sure to use block paragraphs to make things easy to read. That just means leaving a blank line between paragraphs. Looking at your quotations and some of your spelling, are you perhaps Dutch?

Anyway, let's look at the story itself. Be wary of spelling mistakes and general typos; your chapter has quite a few of them, and they are mostly words I can tell you would know how to spell. It's always a good rule of thumb to read your work once over before posting, you'll usually catch the majority of errors that way.

Still on mechanics, in a technical sense it's 'wrong' to begin sentences with a conjunction (and, but, or, similar words), but there are times when it's appropriate for the sake of maintaining style or to capture the oddities of spoken dialogue. I'm not going to say that you should not use conjunctions to start sentences at all, but be wary of doing it too frequently. This chapter started to use them a lot as it approached the end.

Final note on the mechanics side of things: match up dialogue with the narrative surrounding it in the same paragraph line. Simple example from near the end:

„I am.“
Yasuke voice sounded almost a bit upset. At home no one would have ever doubted that.

"I am." Yasuke's voice sounded almost upset. At home no one would have ever doubted him.​

Finally looking past the rules and onto the meat, first plus for me is that Yasuke behaves just like his profile suggests he will. He's a little more petulant than I expected, based on some of his whining to himself, but he doesn't show his complaints. His calm in reacting to the thief and gauging the threat was admirable, when few would have faulted him for at least knocking the man to the ground. It will be interesting to see how he interacts with Quin and Bracchus, who for the moment seem to have a similar mindset about living off a good day's hard work.

There's some rough edges that need to be worked out, for sure. Cleaning up the typos and fixing the spacing between paragraphs will go a long way toward making your readers happy. Finding people who like your writing and your character can be the biggest part of setting up collabs with other writers. However, the character and story are solid and I look forward to writing with you in the future. You have my approval (but I do recommend making some fixes when you get a chance, before the chapter is finalized).

You need one more vote of approval before you're official. Good luck!
 

Kyojin

せかいせいふく
Sep 27, 2018
17
0
1
33
www.facebook.com
#5
Thanks for the review. I wanted to do a backstory and a character with only little mystery, except for his mother. I hooe to get the chance to use that sometime, which is why I have left it mostly blank.
As for the physical appearance part...well, maybe it is because you're right in that I am no native speaker (though no Dutchman), but I had hoped to avoid awkwardness in writing that A well trained body is common and not HIS well trained body ;)

Biography: sorry for the typos, I did this one on mobile and obviously didn't see everything there. As for the Songen-mystery: I have some real world based ideas for her reasons but would, as I said, like to keep that to me for now and maybe use it later.

The chapter: I am really sorry for the many mistakes. I have installed english language in words for this occasion but guess what: it chose to completely ignore it and has been no help whatsoever in finding mistakes. I have read it twice actually but as it turns out I might have been a little drowsy... However I will see to it that these little mistakes fixed.

Starting sentences with a conjunction is actually similarly unusual in my mothers tongue but can be used. For example to make an artificial and rather rough break in a sentence. That's what I tried on a few sentences, for example. If it was better reading in my head than on (digital) paper I'll take the advice :)

Hehe, you noticed the difference between his inner world and his behaviour. Jep, that's completely intentional. ;) btw: I'd like to make Quin and Bracchus NPCs for my Char, I hope this is okay.

But thanks again a lot for this, I will give the app another look as soon as I can.
 
Sep 22, 2009
2,344
10
38
#6
We are quite understanding of you not being a native speaker/writer Kyo! There's absolutely no need to apologize at all. Will is just very good at leaving suggestions and tips for writing. I have benefited enormously from his technical assistance over the years.

What's important is that everything you posted has good bones to it and as Will said, it'll be great to write with you in the future. Clean up those rough edges but otherwise you have a second approval from me too.
 

Kyojin

せかいせいふく
Sep 27, 2018
17
0
1
33
www.facebook.com
#7
Yay!! Thanks a lot. And I really am grateful for help with language and stuff. I don't get enough chances to hone my language skills and this is only the second english rpg. ;)
 

Writing Week is 219

Discord Chat