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[10th] Week 300: Nadarei Shibusen

Machina

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Name: Nadarei Shibusen ( Unseated, Tenth Division )

Contact Info: [email protected]

Age: Appears to be eighteen, but is actually a full century old

Physical: Nadarei Shibusen is a total giant of a man standing at seven feet even and weighing in close to three hundred pounds. He is nothing but muscle, muscle, and did I forget to mention muscle. Seriously he is built like an overly grown professional body builder. He has a very gruff face complete with a thick mustache, beard, goatee, and five o' clock shadow combination. He also has thick eye brows to compliment these features along with a bold chin and a somewhat normal nose with a scar that runs over the bridge. He has short, but smooth hair that is all black along with a pair of snake looking eyes that are bright orange in color with slits in the pupils. Nadarei's entire body has a large accumulation of old battle scars going from his neck on down. He also has a series of tattoos of ancient parables written in kanji that take up his entire back.

Persona: Nadarei Shibusen has a very strong sense of right and wrong. Because of this he has a very specific view of what morality is and what it isn't. He is also by nature a 'gentle giant' who is very kind and understanding to any and everyone, although it wouldn't be a good idea to take advantage of his kindness. When it comes to training and being on the job he is all about completing the task at hand as efficiently as possible. Considering where he came from he is also pretty polite, unless given a reason not to be.


Background: Nadarei Shibusen came from a relatively poor village located in Okinawa, Japan. He never knew his father and resided with his mother and five younger siblings. Because he was the oldest he had to help his mother take care of his younger siblings any way he could. He didn't mind though since he had been doing this since he was a young child. Despite their situation in which each day was essentially a struggle for survival, they were all rather content. They were all truly happy regardless of their situation because they had one another as well as the other villagers.

Their happiness would be cut short when Nadarei mysteriously fell ill. Everyone did everything they could to help by providing whatever remedies they had. But it all seemed futile because no matter what they tried Nadarei's condition wouldn't seem to break. Days passed by and he only continued to get worse until finally the disease, which had yet to be identified, had claimed his life. It was at this moment that Nadarei suddenly found himself on the ground of a less densely populated area of Rukongai. Confused he began to wander until finally his spiritual pressure, although unknown to him, attracted the attention of some shinigami.

They in turn explained his situation and quickly added that he should go to the Academy and become a shinigami himself. With nothing else to do he agreed. Years later after graduation he was off in search of the Tenth Division barracks. Although his placement was more based on how he carried himself rather than his actual skill set.

Zanpakutou: Nadarei's zanpakutou in its sealed form is just your average straight katana. The only difference being that the blade of his sword was around a foot longer than the average to make it easier for him to wield. The entire length of the sword is five feet with a four foot blade. The only other distinction was that his guard had a six-sided star pattern.

Stats:

Reiatsu: 1000

Zanjutsu: 500
Hakuda: 0
Hohou: 500
Kidou: 0

Sample Chapter:

Most people would assume that being given the task to eradicate evil beings would be the most dangerous of things to ever try let alone imagine. Well considering that if these people believe in spirits at all. But nonetheless these epic battles take place time after time again and most people never even know. Although that is probably a great thing because if everyone in the world of the living knew about hollows and shinigami then they would probably panic and things would all go to hell.

I personally feel that its a priority to leave things in the dark when it comes to humans. You never know how they'll react to something as outright strange as a hollow appearing before them and a random person dressed like a samurai taking it down with just a measly sword.
Lost in thought about these things Nadarei failed to notice that he had passed his desired destination some hours ago. Looking ahead of himself he caught stares from the locals who could do nothing, but gaze in awe at his tremendous size.

Trying to be understanding of how they felt Nadarei simply smiled as he passed on. Nadarei may not have seemed like it, but inside he was made entirely of sugar, spice, and everything nice. But his menacing looks often made onlookers think differently as he made his way toward them. More often than not people would cower at his wake even though he really gave no reason too. Being a shinigami he was sworn to protect these people if need be so there was no intention to harm them whatsoever.

"I do wonder if I'll ever be able to shed the title of 'town terror' and dawn a more suitable one in the eyes of the people one day," he spoke quietly. As it stood no one had offered to help the lone giant because of this moniker, and as a result he was unable to figure out his location after realizing he had strayed from his intended path.

"Hopefully my new acquaintances to be will be more inviting than this when I arrive," he continued. His only concern at this point was to find his barracks, and with any luck arrive as scheduled. Nadarei absolutely hated not being punctual and hated even worse the idea of making a terrible first impression on those he met.

Turning back the way he had came before he made his way through the same pathway that he had traveled just previously. Then without warning a small child appeared before him.

"Excuse me mister, but are you lost?" the child asked. It was a little girl who by looks appeared to be no more than five years old.

"Not necessarily, but I do appreciate your concern little one," he replied gently. He tried not to seem creepy by offering the most childish grin he could muster.

The little girl than broke out into laughter at his facial expression. Apparently his attempts to appear friendly had worked, but not how he had originally intended too. But whatever works right?

"Come on mister." the girl said excitedly as she tugged against his lower pants leg.

Being one not to say no or ask questions Nadarei allowed the girl to drag him along with her. Safe to say that in a way this actually helped him with his previous ordeal regarding his image to the inhabitant's of souls in Rukongai. Seeing him steadily pulled along by the happy child made him seem less of a beastly serial killer, and more like any other shinigami who often played around with the local children when off duty.

"Do you know where your going little one?" Nadarei inquired a bit curious as to where she was leading him. The little girl stopped for a moment and thought about it before casually shaking her head.

"Nope," she said excitedly. Despite the fact that she had no idea where they were going she still managed to retain that smile of hers. And because of that adorable baby face and childish mannerisms it made Nadarei lose any trace of irritation that he may have had.

"Well that's alright I suppose. But I must ask if you have a family waiting for you. It is starting to get a little late and I don't want to worry them," he said in a calm tone.

"I have a big sister," the little girl responded joyfully.

"Well in the mean time lets get you home alright," Nadarei answered in the sweetest way that he could as he knelt in front of the little girl.

"Okay!" the girl suddenly shouted as she pounced into his arms. Being built like a brick wall he wasn't moved at all by her quick lunge, but he indeed didn't expect it. Hoisting her onto his shoulders, she held onto his head as they walked down the road.

It wasn't long before a rather young, but curvacious woman ran out to meet the two.

"There you are Sora! I was looking everywhere for you," she said in obvious joy as she was reunited with her younger sibling. Sora being so enthusiastic jumped from Nadarei's shoulder's into her sister's arms. Looking up the woman smiled at the behemoth known as Nadarei before thanking him.

He bowed to them and they returned the gesture. Afterwards the pair departed for their home and Nadarei did the same. A few minutes later he found himself staring down the gates of the Tenth Division barracks with a little time to spare.

"Made it just in time," he sighed heavily. Indeed he had cut things a little close on when he was scheduled to arrive. By some miraculous string of luck he hadn't ventured as far off as he thought he had. Even more convenient was that the district that he roamed was just outside the gates of Seireitei closer to the southern end where his barracks were located. Placing his hand on the gate he prepared to enter his new home.

[1022]
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Hello Machina, I shall be looking over your application today.

Name: Good

Age: Good

Physical: Okay, Japanese Zangief. Though I should say, 500 pounds is a ridiculous amount of weight for pure muscle. A healthy weight (according to the BMI) would be somewhere around 250-300 pounds. That would mean your character has an extra 250'ish pounds of meat. Even Zangief was on record as being only 400 pounds.

Persona: Good

Background: Shinigami actually recruit based on presence of Spiritual pressure, not physical physique. You could have them sense the pressure within your character, which would also take a few years to develop. So he would be wandering around for a while, which is okay.

Zanpakutou: Good

Stats: Well, nothing is mechanically stopping you from putting half your points into Hohou, but it feels weird for a muscular person to be all that speedy. Well, nothing wrong here, just my random observation.

Personal Chapter: The chapter felt rather simple in terms of what happened, as in, it was simpley a quick look into his morning. While that's not necessarily bad, the chapter doesn't go beyond a simple morning. Not in a comedic way or a mysterious way. Of course, plot should take time to ramp up, so I'm okay with this. The first paragraph feels very story-startery, which I liked.

The first part of your chapter, you switched between inner thoughts and 3rd person narraration without any distinction between the two. For the RP, we use 3rd person narration. Any inner thoughts is typically denoted by italics, as such:

Most people would assume that being given the task to eradicate evil beings would be the most dangerous of things to ever try let alone imagine. Well considering that if these people believe in spirits at all. But nonetheless these epic battles take place time after time again and most people never even know. Although that is probably a great thing because if everyone in the world of the living knew about hollows and shinigami then they would probably panic and things would all go to hell.

I personally feel that its a priority to leave things in the dark when it comes to humans. You never know how they'll react to something as outright strange as a hollow appearing before them and a random person dressed like a samurai taking it down with just a measly sword.

Lost in thought about these things Nadarei failed to notice that he had passed his desired destination some hours ago. Looking ahead of himself he caught stares from the locals who could do nothing, but gaze in awe at his tremendous size.

Also, your dialogue punctuation tends to be wonky. Sometimes its right, sometimes its wrong.

Here is an example of one that is wrong:
"Come on mister." The girl said excitedly as she tugged against his lower pants leg.

This should be:
"Come on mister," the girl said excitedly as she tugged against his lower pants leg.

the girl said... is not a full sentence and needs to be paired with the dialogue. Any descriptions of spoken dialogue needs to be paired with them in the same sentence.

As such, the following is one sentence:
"I have a big sister," The little girl responded joyfully.

and should be:
"I have a big sister," the little girl responded joyfully.

Alright, that's it for the sample chapter. Consider if you really want to make your character exaggeratingly muscular and modifications/fixes to the biography and sample chapter. The application is solid overall, though.

Please post here again when you are ready to be rereviewed.
 
Congrats. Your application is APPROVED

1) Post your application as your profile in the Registry of the Shinigami.

2) Post your stats in the current week's thread in the Personnel Stat Records. Follow the other people's formatting if you're unsure how it should look.

3) Post your writing sample in the Writing section of Halcyon Days. You can either post it this week or sometime soon. Posting next week can help maximize the time you have since your three weeks of newbie bonus (explained here along with other bonuses) starts when you post your first writing (within two weeks of being accepted otherwise the bonus is forfeited). Remember to keep all chapter writing to a single thread for each week.

Follow this format when titling your threads: [10th] Week 300: Insert Title Here

Each writing week ends at 11:59pm EST (-5 GMT) Saturday night. Note, that is tonight. If you want to maximize newb bonus, I suggest posting next week, that is 12:00 am Sunday.
 

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