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[12th] week 37: grim shinkan

skeith

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Contact Info:
AIM screen name: grimblueman
Email: [email protected]
(Might not be able to do a lot of work since I have to use my friend’s computer to post things)

Name: Grim Shinkan (last name means silence also his last name was given to him by the people of soul society)

Age: looks 19 true age 119.

Persona:
Grim never talks to anyone unless it’s his captain or he has something very important to say to someone plus while he was in soul society some people made fun of his accent other then that he will hang out with other members of his division but on rare occasions he likes to stays to him self so he can read or just think about thing going on around him. The best place to find him is in the library reading or sleeping behind a stack of book he has yet or finished reading. He may appear to be cold to everyone but he is will to give his life to save a comrades or a soul in danger. He doesn’t like to be confronted by new people because it is hard for him to trust them.

Physical Stature:
Grim has short messy brown hair. His eye’s are a whitish gray but you can never see them since he wares black goggles to hid his eyes. He ware a red scarf over his nose and mouth so no one has any clue as to what his emotion is. He is about 5’9” tall and thin.


Biography:
Before Grim died he was an average out of high school student but was shot by gang fire in New York. When he arrived in the soul society he never talk to any one since he didn’t trust the people there. After 12 years of being there he started to travel all over to see his new home. As his travel he found his trade mark red scarf and black goggles with he wore at all times. After a few years people of soul society started to give him the last name of shinkan since he would not speak to anyone that was there. When he entered the academy to become a Shinigami he was though to be cold and heartless by his fellow students. While in the academy grim excelled at silence takedowns and quick kills but lacked in hand to hand and kidou. The reason he joined the academy was while he was still a soul on earth he saw another soul being ripped to bits and eaten by a hollow before coming to soul society and so he swore to him self he would not let that happen ever again if he became a shinigami. After the six years of the academy he wished to prove that he could become someone strong.

Division / Seat: 12th/unseated
Zanpakutou:
it is a standard 42" katana with a thin red line running up the blade and the hilt is wrapped in a crimson cloth plus it has three red dots at the base of it. The tsuba looks as it was pieced together with blocks.
This is the tsuba
guard.jpg
[/IMG]


Stats:
Reiatsu: 100
Zanjutsu: 50
Hakuda: 5
Hohou: 40
Kidou: 5
Connection: 0

Sample Chapter:
(1480)
Silent night

As night time fell upon the human world, Grim was sitting in a tree in central park reading a book he browed from the library in his division. As he was reading the book, he remembered the mission at hand and that was to track down and eliminate a hollow that looked like a millipede. Just as he was about to start a new chapter in the book that was not truly keeping his interest his soul phone went off. He shut the book and pulled the phone out from his shirt. He flipped open his phone and saw that two hollow signal but only one was his target so he was not going to go after the other hollow.

He shut the phone and put it back into his shirt along with the book he has. While Grim was running through the trees, he felt a strong spiritual pressure but it quickly vanished so he paid no mind to it. When he got close to where his target was he leapt up into a tree so he could get a better look at the hollow so he could come up with a plan to take it down. When he looked down he saw a horrifying sight of the two hollows feeding on some souls that where in this part of the park. He remembered what had happened to him right before he was sent to soul society when he saw what the hollows where doing.

After he shock the memory of what happened his mind filled with rage to the point his judgment he removed his blade and jumped out of the tree to kill both hollows but they saw him coming so there ran to other ends of the park. After he came back to his senses, he ran after the other hollow that was with the one that he had to kill. Grim knew that the hollow he was going after was not his target but he could not stand thinking about what that hollow might do if it lived. He arrived at the fountain to find no hollow anywhere so he dropped his guard. The minute his guard was down the hollow struck him sending him flying into the center piece of the fountain breaking it.

Grim slowly stood up shaking off the pain to his back and neck. When he saw the damage to the fountain all he that was on his mind was ’just great I broke one of the biggest tourist sights in the park and I know when I get back to my division head quarters I’m not going to hear the end of it.’ The hollow charged at him but missed so it hollowed and charged again. This time Grim struck the hollow in his right arm causing it to roar in pain. The hollow ran off to get away from the shinigami by ducking into the trees. The hollow could not shack the silent shinigami as it ran through the trees. After a short time, running through the woods the hollow and his purser come to a small stage area. The hollow came to a dead stop right in the center of the stage and turned to face the shinigami. Grim ran at the hollow but it hit him sending him right into the wall of the stage. He hit with a large thud that echoed through the area. When he looked up from the wall the hollow raised his fist to strike the shinigami lying against the wall. Grim tried to dodge the hit but his left arm took the blow pressing it hard into the wall. After the hollow pulled, his fist away the shinigami move his arm from the dent finding out it was broken in three places.

With his sword in his right hand and his left arm unable to use he ran at the hollow ducking and dodging ever attack the hollow throw at him. The hollow grew anger at the shinigami causing its attacks to become less direct and wider. When Grim saw his chance to attack, he took it slicing the hollow vertically killing it. After the hollow vanished, he walked over to a tree finding to large sticks then going back stage to find a long piece of rope so he could splint up his arm so he could go after the hollow that was his true target. With his arm lashed together, he ran back the way he came so he could find the other hollow.

He ran for ten to fifteen minutes but could not find any trace of the hollow until it wiped its tail sending Grim into the stands of a baseball field. He grabbed his left arm in pain then he coughing up blood into his red scarf. He heard the hollow coming closer to where he landed so he leapt up to face the large hollow. The hollow opened it mouth so it could take a large bit out of the shinigami. The hollow lunged at Grim but missed taking a huge bit out of the stands. It roared and wiped around hitting the shinigami out into the outfield. He skied on the ground causing far greater damage to his back and arm. He stood up looking at the hollow with a dizzy swagger as he stood. The hollow charged at his shinigami purser hoping to finish him off.

As the hollow attacked, Grim was barely able to block the hit so he ran to the trees to fight the large hollow in a small space. The hollow followed him but lost sight of the small shinigami in the trees. As Grim hide behind a tree waiting for the hollow to pass by him he tried to forget the pain going throw his body. The hollow slowly passed him and when it was a bit ahead of him, he jumped out and slashed its back. The hollow wiped around to strike the shinigami but he was nowhere around him so it hollowed in anger. When Grim heard, the hollows roar he got ready for the worst and good thing he did because the hollow wiped its tail taking out a few trees and pushing him to a small playground.

Grim gritted his teeth from the pain from his arm and back but he stayed alert. The hollow jumped right in front of him ready to strike. Grim put his sword in front of him just as the hollow lunged at him blocking its strike. The hollow slowly push the shinigami closer to the steel jungle gym right behind him. As the hollow and Grim got closer to it the shinigami jumped out of the way sending the hollow into the steel frame. The hollow quickly pulled its head out as fast as he could but Grim was already standing on its head ready to strike. He drove his blade deep into the head of the hollow finishing it off. When the hollows dead body was gone, Grim rested against a wall trying to catch his breath. Just as he put his blade away, he heard clapping coming from behind the slide.

When the clapping finished a figure came out into the light and it was a young woman in her mid 20’s with long golden brown hair. “That was great shows you put on for me you know Grim Shinkan how I see why my boss wants you to join us but wait where my manners are my name is Ashley Rosa,” she said. As she got close to the battle worn shinigami he saw that there was a cross hanging form her heck and he froze up. “Oh so you just now know that I am a Quincy well that makes this a lot easier since you are terrified of all Quincy‘s” she said. She was right he was terrified of them since he could never get close enough to one to strike. When she was only a few feet away for him she said “hey now that I can see you a bit better you are kind of cute you know.” he just back up close to the wall hoping she would not kill him. “I don’t think you can answer this question I’m about to ask you right how with all those wounds but when you can I want the answer to it. My boss wants you to join his group he call’s the organization so do you want to join or not?” after she said that she walked away leaving a very confused shinigami behind. Grim pulled him self-up off the ground and opened the door to the soul society to give his report to his caption. As the gate vanished, the sun started to rise showing the amount of damage Grim and the hollows have caused to the human world.
 
Welcome to the RP! I'm not on the application staff or anything but I decided to give your app a quick look over hope it helps.

Name: Fine by me, in fact I really like the name.

Age: It’s reasonable nothing more to say.

Persona: The persona itself is fine but, being a loner kinda sucks in a social RP like this. If you want to play mister silent go ahead just wanted to give you the heads up. Try running this through a grammar check there are some minor mistakes.

Physical Stature: Again grammar check is your friend but other than that a pretty solid section.

Biography: Pretty good, again there are some minor areas where a grammar check should catch the mistakes. But he seems tailor made for the 12th with the silent kills line, so more power to you.

Division / Seat: Perfectly Fine

Zanpakutou: Looks fine but if possible try to get a better picture of the tsuba it’s a little small for me to see don’t know about anyone else.


Stats: They add up yay.

Sample Chapter: Aside from some grammar mistakes there’s one little problem in it. That would be the hollow’s talking, low level hollows, the kind someone just starting in the RP could take on, might occasionally be able to say one or two words but they would repeat them over and over or in most cases they wouldn’t be capable of even that.

Best of luck making this better. On a final note as tenma so constructively pointed out (:rolleyes:) its week 37 not 0.
 
sorry for all the errors. i will get to work on fixing all of the problems right away.

how do you edit the title so i can fix it becaus i though you started at week 0 and went up but i wrong and look like a idiot.
 
First of all, don't post in Final Drafts unless you're told to do so by me, IshinOnigami, or Fuzakeru. Secondly, I'd appreciate it if you bolded your headings, as it makes your application easier to read.

Name: Fine with me. Thanks for the meaning.

Age: Good.

Persona:
Don't forget to capitalize your character's name. It seems like you've got an interesting character here, one that could be well-suited to collaborations.

Physical Stature: Content-wise, this section's fine, and I appreciate that you included a picture of him. That helps us get a mental picture of your character. However, there's a few spelling/grammar mistakes here, such as 'ware' instead of 'wears'.

Biography: There's a few spelling/grammar errors here, and you might want to add some clarification as to why Grim wants to become a shinigami in the first place. Other than that, this section's fine.

Division:
Fine with me.

Zanpakutou: Thanks for the picture of the tsuba, but please add detail about the coloring of the hilt/blade.

Stats: They add up. Please put a 0 in for your connection.

Sample Chapter:
Alright, your chapter's okay, but there are a few things that need some work. I noticed a few spelling/grammar errors on the first read-through, and you need to address these. Reading through the chapter again, preferably out loud helps to make these problems more clear. One of the other things that I noticed with your chapter was this sentence:

"The reason why he was sitting in the tree was he waited for orders from soul society about the hollow he was tracking because he had killed severely other shinigami in the past few weeks."

I think it might be nice to clarify that though the 12th division is indeed in charge of tracking and assasination, they don't want others to know about what they've done. It is technically against the rules to kill other shinigami, and your activities need to be kept a secret. The most troubling thing I saw in your chapter was the fact that the hollow Grim was facing could talk and seemed intelligent. Now, I appreciate that you made the battle kind of one-sided for most of the time, that Grim got thrown around a bit. But let me make this clear. At 100 reiatsu, you simply cannot beat this kind of hollow. It will kill you. With understanding that this hollow's dialogue makes up a significant part of your chapter, I'd really like you to alter this hollow's behavior, so that it is belivable when you kill it. Finally, watch out for present tense and past tense, as you confuse the two throughout your chapter. Your tenses must agree. Reading over your chapter out loud helps to fix this.

Well, you've got a decent application here, but it's not good enough yet for final drafts. Read over your application again, and fix those spelling and grammar errors. Then go to your sample chapter, and make the changes I pointed out. After that, and only after that, will you be ready for final drafts.
 
hmm skeith there isn't really much improvement the hollows are still capable of complete and educated dialog, plus there's the fact that you're taking on four hollows when one would give you a run for your money. You have to revise the core mistake of the hollow dialog first and then work on the number of hollows, I would say two should be the maximum and even then expect some heavy injuries.
 
I'm sorry for the trouble. I reworked my story and got rid of the one smart hollow and put in 4 dumb ones. I put one of my own npc's at the end if its ok. I will put the new ver. Up soon.

Let me try to put it in perspective. Relatively speaking, if we were to translate Ichigo Kurosaki into this RP, he has a minimum of 5000 Reiatsu, because he acts as a Nexus to his friends at school.

And he still has trouble with single, stupid hollows.

As a fresh initiate into the 13 Protection Squads, you'll have lots of difficulty with a single, low-level hollow.
 
I give up on this just don't worry about grim ok i'm done with this fourm for good bye. But i ask one question dose anyone belive in the human spirt on this thing or not becase anyone can do anything they try at.
 
I give up on this just don't worry about grim ok i'm done with this fourm for good bye. But i ask one question dose anyone belive in the human spirt on this thing or not because anyone can do anything they try at.

This is a game, first and foremost, and secondly we're playing by rules in a manga, one weak human spirit vs 4 savage monsters hmm I'll put my bet on the monsters.

And a quick check of the rules should let you know that the whole "I can take down a group of hollows starting out" is against them. Too bad you're not willing to but in some effort since you have a good character if you can fix the mistakes but its your loss
 
I give up on this just don't worry about grim ok i'm done with this fourm for good bye. But i ask one question dose anyone belive in the human spirt on this thing or not becase anyone can do anything they try at.

The human spirit also has limits, and if you're not willing to play by the rules everyone else has had to adhere to, you're not going to have a lot of luck here. Happy trails.
 
I give up on this just don't worry about grim ok i'm done with this fourm for good bye. But i ask one question dose anyone belive in the human spirt on this thing or not becase anyone can do anything they try at.

I'm sorry to hear that you're leaving. But, rules are rules, and there's simply no way you can beat this hollow.
 
I give up on this just don't worry about grim ok i'm done with this fourm for good bye. But i ask one question dose anyone belive in the human spirt on this thing or not becase anyone can do anything they try at.
You know... I actually see your point.

I'm sorry, but I simply do not agree with those who have posted before me. You are absolutely right - the Human Spirit is above everything and anything.

Seriously and with out sarcasm. If you really want something, and you really wish for it to happen, you can accomplish just about anything you set your mind to.

But (there has to be a but), what had lead you into that position in which you have transcended above the normal rules and made up new rules for yourself?

What brought your character to the point in which it could surpass its own limits?

I see nothing wrong with someone in your character's current level surviving or even winning a battle against four rather weak hollows - but I would like to know what drove him to accomplish such an amazing feat.

You want to have it your way? By all means, have it. But don't take the easy way, don't just count on pure Shounen magic to excuse yourself into writing just about anything you believe is 'cool'. Build up your character and develop its plot to the point where your readers could see - could feel - the fire burning in the depths of your character's soul that enabled it to push forward at all costs.

Show us the Struggle™.

This is not the work of just one chapter, this cannot be covered by a measly 1,000 words. You must work your way up to the point where you have made the inner workings of your character clear and exposed to the rest of this RPG.

For now, find something else to write about in your sample chapter. Save the good stuff for later, after you've gained enough experience and have built a solid base for this line of plot.

Struggle™ is the licensed property of Yota Inc. and Wind International Industries. All and any use of the Struggle™ merchandise or any of its components is prohibited by the law of being Rad, offenders would be subjected to Negation Chop by the court of law.
 
I hate to give up on something i really want to do so i won't. I will write a hole new chapter then post it.

Good luck to you.

Kind of a lame quote, but it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. All characters start from inauspicious beginnings. You have an idea of what your character should be, so work your way towards that, and tell us how he got there.

That's not the work of a mere 1000 words.
 
Ok i just finished hand writing ver 3 of my sample chapter and i will hopefully post it monday. There is no talking hollow or a small army of hollows. There are two and grim takes quit a bit of damage from them.
 
rAndOM cAPiTALizatioN

Longrunonsentencesthathavenoendohmygoodnessmyeyesarebleedingerk....

Ra.ndo'm pu'-nctu;ation


All of the above make me a sad roo. Go forth and fix before we discuss your story and fiddly bits about your character's bio.
 

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