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[13th] Week 20 - Suzume, Kaizoku

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Strawbxxxx Shinigami

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Name: Suzume, Kaizoku
Pronounced: Sue-zoo-mey, Kai-zoh-koo

Age: Looks 16-ish but is, in fact, 80 or so years old



Persona: She can be quite argumentative at times and will often do things to prove her point. She is a determined ( and stubborn ;) ) fighter and it is unusual for her to ever back down. It is often her friends who hold her back. Her temper can be quite quick to catch fire.

Although Kaizoku possesses a fierce temper, she is extremely protective of people and will protect them with her life. She has a sharp intuition and is able to sense foul play and would-be betrayers.
She has a weakness for anything to do with canines ( much like how Rukia has a weakness for rabbits).


Physical Stature:
Appearance: She has long, black hair and side bangs with crimson red streaks runnings down. Sometimes she will tie her hair but most of the time it is loose. Her eyes are dark purple, running into a lighter shade towards the middle. She wears the normal shinigami attire: The black gi and hakama, tabi socks, zori sandals...

Her body build is slim but sturdy and she is rather tall, being at a height of 165 cm.


Biography: She grew up, on earth( namely Tokyo, Japan), as any normal kid. She went to school, sucked at maths, had friends,had family. She lead a happy and normal life.All that was taken away from her when she was the victim of a hit and run at the age of 10. Her death was blurry and quick. A single bullet to the head and that was all.

Eventually, she was sent to soul society and got a place in the academy where she found out she had a knack for swordsmanship and hoped to be in division 13. She was very determined to pass her grades and become a shinigami. Her wish came true after six years of hard, hard work and she is now a shinigami in division 13, the Zanpaku-to Mastery group. She admires her captain Saiyoisen greatly.

Division: 13th

Zanpaku-to: Her zanpaku-to is on her at most times. The blade sits on her back vertically.

Her blade is beautifully crafted. It's curved hilt is a dark red, matching the streaks in her hair and it's tassel is black, threaded with dark red beads. The silver hand guard is in the shape of crescent moon. The actual blade is half black and half red and spans 3/4 the length of her body.


Stats:

Reiatsu: 100
Zanjutsu: 60
Hakuda: 10
Hohou: 10
Kidou: 20
Connection: 0



Rp chapter:

Kaizoku fell to her knees, griping the hilt of her Zanpakuto.
She spluttered, retching blood and her breath rasped.
The wound in her stomach hurt. A lot. What the hell had happened? One minute she was running after a Hollow and the next she was left, half-dead.
How much time had passed? She didn't know. Was this the end?
Hah...How ironic...A death god who's scared of death...it's stupid...


Kaizoku had been stupid. She had let her guard down and presently felt sharp, sharp claws dragging through her flesh. But she wouldn't and couldn't give up on this. She was a Shinigami and it was her job to protect those around her with her life. Plus, she detested giving up. It was such an un-Kaizoku thing to do...


Damn...I can't move... Her head was pounding as crimson blood seeped through her clothes, splattering the floor with grim raindrops. Her vision was blurring over, being taken by the darkness.Sorry...captain.... were her thoughts as she fell forwards , letting the deep, dark void of fathomless dark take her.

[[ More being added!]]

-------------------​
 
13th division = the best division ever!

welcome, i am ishin, and i....am not on the application staff. im just droppin by to give constructive, atleast i hope its constructive to you, criticism.

first off, you might wanna look at some of the archives. this is an alternate reality RP, so there is no Ukitake. If you look in the shinigami registry, it has all the captains and what the different squads specialize in. It is a good read.

Also, you wont know your zanpakutou's name for a while. the description is good, but you dont know the name.

stature and persona look fine, as does biography, though you could flesh it out more.

the most important thing, though, is your sample chapter. we need the chance to see your writing style.

like i said, im not dissin you, i did the same thing when i first got here. Its just a good idea to look at the backstory.


here is the link for the different captains:
http://www.bleachforums.com/forumdisplay.php?f=160

and here is the link for the different division specialties:
http://www.bleachforums.com/forumdisplay.php?f=158

read up on those

also check these out:

http://www.bleachforums.com/forumdisplay.php?f=146

go through as much of that as possible. it all helps. trust me.
 
also another great idea is to look at some of the other peoples apps, the ones that got accepted to see what they have put in theirs and how you could tweak your so that the application staff likes it!
 
hey there^^ welcome to BF and Halcyon Days!

Your very wolf-like personality is cool heh, often people will give their character a certain animal theme, but it's rare to really match the personality like that in a realistic way. So good job n___n

I see Ish gave you lots of help already, but you've still got a few things to fix to fit with our application format. If you didn't already, take another look through the Application Guide.


Alright! what you need to do now is to get your sections in the right order, and with the headings bolded so it's nice and easy to read.

They should go like -

Name:

Age:

Persona:

Physical Stature:

Biography:

Division/Seat:

Zanpakutou:

Stats:


and finally, the Sample Chapter.


While what you've written is fine so far, we have a requirement of 1,000 words for the sample, so you're going to have to expand on that some more. Make sure to double space between paragraphs in your writing so it's easy to read and doesn't become a big block of solid text. ^_^ Once you're done writing it, you should include a word count either at the very end, or below the title for the chapter - something you'll have to do with all the writing you post in HD once you are accepted.

Like shape suggested, take a look through some of the applications that were stamped as approved to get an idea of what yours should look like too.

Here's a really nice one, for example. hehe :3 http://bleachforums.com/showthread.php?t=25578

Hope this helps, and good luck!
 
dont listen to her 12th division lies!!

i keed i keed.

yeah i knew i was forgetting to link to somethin, and it was the application guide of all things. Sheesh.

anyway, hope that all helps, and cant wait to see the finished character.

ps, getting there, but it might be easier if you put everything aligned to the left. Its just the natural position to look at when reading for the majority of the posters here. Aligning everything to the left makes it easier in the long run.

also, do you have AIM? we have a chatroom, and it is really easy to bounce ideas around in there and get immediate criticism or ideas to work on stuff. If you dont have it, its free to download and pretty easy to use.................Wow, i sound like a walking advertisement. anyway, you might look into it
 
Hi there Strawberry with a bunch of X’s. =3 I’m Stephie and I am the application staff here at Halcyon Days! I know you don’t have your sample chapter all fleshed out yet but let me give you some of my thoughts on what I’ve read so far -


Hehe, I like the pronunciation guide to how you say her name. On that note - the name is beautiful and the age is fine.

Quirky girl you got here. She’s pretty cute sounding. The physical description isn’t one I’d imagine her with but I think that makes it even better. Given her stature I’d assume she was the quiet, serious type of girl but her persona is quite lively. It’ll be fun to see her written out.

In the biography there are some spacing issues between words. Make sure you double space each of your sentences as its easier on the eyes of your readers.

o.o Her zanpakutou sits on her back vertically? I bet that makes sitting down very, very difficult.

Good job with the stats in particular! I like that they very boldly reflect where her skills are and add depth to her abilities in zanpakutou mastery given the division she’s in.

What little you have written of a sample chapter looks fantastic. I noticed that you mentioned your captain’s name a few times in the application overall. Its fine for her to admire and look up to him since he is your captain but just be careful you don’t RP any of his actions. n_n As long as you don’t do that you’re fine.

Overall - I like your writing style. Its very passionate and I'm dying to see more of your chapter!

I do also agree that aligning everything on the left IS easier on the eyes but its not a matter that will make me approve or disapprove you so feel free to keep it in whatever way you want.

On that note - Keep going! I can’t wait to see more of your chapter!

….oh, and GET AIM! That way we can talk with you!

Also - We're in Week 21 right now and when you posted your app is was Week 20, not 0. I fixed it though so no worries.
 
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