• Ready to join Post Terminus?

    Click to get started and submit your first character.

    Getting Started

[1st] week 200: Toshiaki Akira

Chi-ca-da

New Member
Latens
5,000✦
Exa
⏆2,500
Bounty
⏈0
Dahlitium (⏆50 per)
0⌯
Bigatium (⏆100 per)
0⍨
Auritium (⏆300 per)
0⍫
Vitatium (⏆1200 per)
0⌭
Caelitium (⏆6000 per)
0⌬
Name: Toshiaki Akira (western order)

Contact Info: AIM: iamlilost

Age: 100 (appears to be 19)

Physical Stature: Toshiaki is five foot eleven, even though he is so tall, he doesn't have a lot muscle. Thus he isn't the right weight for his height. He has sharp, blue eyes that go in contrast with the messy, neck-length orange hair of his. His pale white skin makes him stand out among the others.

Toshiaki wears a standard shihakushou and, in some cases, a blue glove on his left hand. It was given to him by his "family" in rukongai. Wearing it makes him feel at ease.

Persona: Toshiaki is a nervous and slightly shy person, although a few people are scared of him because of his temper. As such, he doesn't hesitate to tell other people off. He also gets excited very easily. Being friendly most of the time, Toshiaki doesn't like to start fights but will not back down from one. Although he usually prefers not to hate people, he ensures life becomes hell for those who are against his friends. Another thing he strives to ensure is accomplishing goals and not giving up when it means leaving things undone.

Toshiaki likes to be addressed by the affectionate nickname his close friends had given him: “Aki aki”. Although he is not a lazy person, he always feels slight irritation when being commanded to do tasks because of his dislike of it. However, he obliges when the task is important or he can’t see any point not to do it.

Biography: After the konsou was performed, Toshiaki landed in the fifty-third district of Rukongai. Alone. As such he had no one to ask for help or money and every time he did he got only one reply: a big fat ‘NO’. That made him learn how to sneak, steal and whatever skills he needed to survive. If he got caught, he just took what he found and ran for his life.

For half a century he had to go on like that until he was taken into a quite wealthy family which ran a shop. The family was very loving; they helped him a lot and Toshiaki repaid them by kindly helping around their shop. They also fed him properly which made him really happy because he had been alone all this time, having to steal and sometimes starve. Then one day, after around a very happy forty-nine years, they told Toshiaki that he had to leave because their shop was being closed. In those short days he packed all his stuff and went to the soul reaper Academy. The family gave him some money before he left.

On the way, he met many good friends headed for the same direction. They all agreed to celebrate after they reached Seireitei. All of them wanted to apply for the Academy. If they all passed, they would celebrate more. It took him a year to get to the Academy, and the journey was quite hard. When they reached their destination, just as they agreed, they celebrated.

Division & Seat: 1st division & unseated

Zanpakutou: Toshiaki’s Zanpakutou is a katana. The curved blade is one hundred and twenty centimeters long and six centimeters wide. The tsuka is an orange-red and the tsukaito is a sharp blue. Similar to the tsuka and tsukaito's colours, the kashira has two ribbons, one red and one blue, which are tied together. There is a dragon embossing that goes around Diamond shaped tsuba. Toshiaki wears his deep red sheath on his back.

Stats:
Reiatsu:
100
Zanjutsu: 30
Hakuda: 0
Hohou: 30
Kidou: 40

Sample Chapter [words 1,519]

Toshiaki’s first mission
Toshiaki was walking around in the green forests of Seireitei, the sweet scent of the flowers tickling his nose. Just as he bent down to pick a one, a hell butterfly flew through the dense leaf-roof of the forest; its wings fluttering noiselessly. It seemed that the butterfly had a very important message since its wings were fluttering faster than normal. The message was simple; Toshiaki had to get to the 1st division barracks immediately. He was excited since it was his first mission. He instantly left off sprinting.

When he reached there, he saw that two of his friends were already getting ready to go. Both of them were older than him. “Oh, here he comes,” said Yuudai who was quite big and muscular, saying more loudly, “What took you so long?”

“What?!" the tired shinigami panted, slightly annoyed, "I had to run all the way here and I was in the forest,”.

“Anyway, just get your Zanpakutou,” was all Yuudai said before the blue eyed shinigami sprinted away again. When he was back they had already left. Toshiaki had to sprint again to catch up to them. Finally, after he caught up to them, he panted, “You guys going to make me sprint ten miles?!”

“No. . . Or yes. C’mon we haven’t got any time to waste. We have to get to the living world and it’s an emergency,” Tomatsu, his other friend, said.

“It’s a very weak hollow,” Yuudai said.

“Then what’s the problem?” Toshiaki asked, slightly confused.

“It’s on a rampage. It’s going to eat every single plus it sees,” the bigger shinigami explained.

“So it’s going to get stronger after its rampage and we have to put it out before that can happen,” understood Toshiaki.

“Precisely,” Tomatsu said.

“Why us? There are stronger, more experienced people than us,” The younger shinigami asked.

“Apparently they are all unavailable,” Yuudai replied.

“Can we really kill it?” Toshiaki asked, nervousness taking over his tone.

After that they all sprinted their way to the Senkaimon. Toshiaki thought he would faint if this kept up. “You guys ready?” he panted.

“Yes!” They both replied at the same time.

Upon reaching the living world Toshiaki saw that he was in Tokyo. It was midnight; not many people were awake. Perfect. His phone started beeping rapidly. Toshiaki looked at it and saw that the hollow was rapidly coming towards them from behind. Their stronger reiatsu than the plus must have attracted it towards them. “Good, that will divert its attention from the plus,” Toshiaki said, “Now all we have to do is get the plus to the Soul Society. Come on, let’s go.”

“Ok,” Tomatsu said and with that they split up into their three different ways. The first plus Toshiaki encountered was a little child, but the hollow had already reached them before he could perform the konsou. Toshiaki took the boy before the hollow could. He ran until they found a narrow alleyway where he could perform the konsou safely and without interruption. When the sword touched the plus' forehead he asked, “Where am I going?”

“To safety,” Toshiaki replied.

“Thank you mister,” the boy said as the light of Soul Society engulfed him. At the same time the hollow roared. It tried to get at Toshiaki. It was like a giant bee and only one of its legs could get in at once. Toshiaki knew there were only two ways; straight through or up. He chose the latter. He ran up a wall and caught on to a window sill and jumped up to the next until he was finally on the roof. The blue eyed shinigami knew he had to fight the hollow or escape. Though before he could escape the bee hollow flew up to him and he was forced to stay and fight. All that Toshiaki could do was guard against the hollow’s vicious attacks. One attack left him off guard and the hollow got him on his left shoulder. But then the hollow had flown away. The pain made him think that his arm had been chopped off, though when he looked at it; it wasn’t as deep as he thought. Thought it still hurt a lot. That was a close call, he thought in pain.

The beeping from his phone suddenly stopped then a minute later it came on again. The hollow was in hot pursuit behind Toshiaki. The only way he could escape was to get onto the ground; that way he could escape and find pluses. The shinigami saw an abandoned building upon touchdown in which, he was sure, there was a plus. It was all dark and hard to see and it being midnight didn’t help at all. He was right. There was a plus, who said, “Ah my salvation.”

But Toshiaki didn't listen and performed the konsou. The plus went off to Rukongai silently. Suddenly there was a huge crash that came from above and then a scary roar. Toshiaki stayed inside and called one of his friends, Yuudai, and asked, “How many plus did you get to Soul Society?”

“Three,” was the reply.

He called for Tomatsu to get his report but all he heard was a very big roar. Toshiaki closed his phone and guessed that Tomatsu got a plus in. But his phone was only beeping faintly and slowly and the roar hadn’t been above him but it was in the phone. Toshiaki instantly dashed to where he thought Tomatsu was.

Upon reaching there he met a horrifying sight. Tomatsu was all battered, bruised and at the hollow's mercy. Not if I can do anything about it, Toshiaki thought.
Though, before he could do anything the hollow had fled; probably another plus. He was about to follow the hollow but then he remembered Tomatsu. “I think you should get to Seireitei,” Toshiaki said, calling Yuudai and continuing, “I’m taking Tomatsu back to Seireitei.”

Toshiaki called for a Senkaimon. The wooden doors appeared, revealing the white light. Toshiaki called one of the 4th division medics to come there immediately. He went in and waited for the medic. The medics came to the Senkaimon just as its white gates opened. Toshiaki also asked them to heal and bandage his bleeding shoulder. Then they took Tomatsu to the 4th division barracks.

Toshiaki went straight back to the living world and landed on the same spot from where he left. There was no sign of the hollow still being there. Though there was a plus. It was a woman. Her eyes were wide with surprise but the surprise turned into fear as she saw Toshiaki’s zanpakutou. “What are you here for? Are you going to kill me?” The plus shrieked, “NO! Stay away! STAY AWAY!”

“Come here, I will send you to safety. You aren’t safe here,” Toshiaki said as the beeping started getting louder and faster.

But that didn’t change anything. She turned around and ran. Chasing the plus as fast as he could, Toshiaki exclaimed, “Stop. You are going the wrong way!”

“Stay away from me!” she shrieked again. He stopped when he was in front of her and pulled out his zanpakutou and held it above his head, the kashira facing the plus' forehead. Before she could stop, her forehead touched the kashira. She screamed, “Aarrrgghh! I’m dead!” as Soul Society’s bright light took her away.

But just then the hollow appeared above him its legs aimed for his head. Toshiaki ran at the last moment. One of its legs got stuck into the hard concrete ground and it was struggling to get free. Toshiaki took this chance to try and kill it but the hollow was flailing a lot; only one of its strikes almost killed him. He was sent crashing into a wall. His blood splattered onto it. He kept screaming in pain and agony. Every single bone in his body pained a lot. The hollow was free . . . but then Yuudai came and took Toshiaki to a safe place away from the hollow where they could call for a senkaimon. Toshiaki’s shihakushou was wet. He could feel his consciousness slip away. Then he blacked-out.

After what seemed to be a very short time Toshiaki woke up not remembering clearly what happened before he slept. Did I really sleep, he thought.

Then he remembered that he was knocked out. Toshiaki looked around and saw that he was in the 4th division barracks. He also saw Yuudai coming in and Tomatsu unconscious on a bed. Yuudai sat down, beside Toshiaki, on a chair and told him what happened after he came to Seireitei. He had gone straight back to the World of the Living and was surprised that the hollow was nowhere to be seen. Then he said, “The sun was rising there too and you were sleeping for 3 whole weeks.”

“I think it doesn’t like to hunt in crowds. It must have left before it got crowded,” Toshiaki said, “Thanks Yuudai.”

“No problem. Anyway you should get some rest,” Yuudai said before he left. Toshiaki thought, ok and slept his deep sleep.
 
Name: It's a name

Age: Seems fine

Physical: You start off writing the numbers out and then switch back using the numerical values in the same sentence. Choose one style and stick with it. This entire section has no flow to it. The sentences do not work together at all. This whole thing seems like it would be better as a list and lists are bad when you are trying to describe someone. I want you to rework this whole section.

Persona: Do you see that part about his temper being something people do not want to mess with? I want you to change that. Try and not write things about him and dictate how people should react to him. Do you understand?
Example: "Toshiaki is a man to be feared" Something simple like that says that everyone around should fear him. Now enter into the Gotei and I am sure no captain will be afraid of this person

Example: "A few people have grown to fear Toshiaki because..." at the end you can add in a reason. This way of writing it makes it so yes, there are people who are afraid of him but not everyone is. This allows you to have that scary guy, but giving others the chance to react how their characters would.

The second sentence needs to be rewritten. Preferably remove 'can' and add an 's' to 'get'. The second paragraph needs a little work on wording and some proofreading. Overall the persona seems solid, fix the issues.

Bio: You have a big issues with punctuation and word structure here. Wrong tenses, proper nouns in lowercase. very stop and go style, no flow between sentences. Also if you have not noticed you have started each section with his name, try and use different ways to mention him instead of his name or 'he'.

Also remember that people do not remember anything about their past lives before they come to soul society. I have to honestly say this thing is a big mess. I want you to rework this entire section and fix your sentence structure. I am not going to point out every single mistake in here as it would take me a while, but I was past 10 issues before I reached halfway through the first paragraph.

Don't lose heart. You just have a bit of work to do. Take your time and reread your work several times, even try reading out loud it usually helps pick out a lot of mistakes.

Div: This is fine

Zan: This seems fine, but rework it. Try and not do things in list format. You're just listing off features of this blade and that is not a very good way to do things when describing.

Stats: They equal 100

Sample Chapter: I am not reviewing this just yet. Fix the issues I have mentioned above and apply them to your sample chapter, I am assure you, you have made the same mistakes down there just as you have up there.
 

Current Date in Araevis

Back
Top