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[4th] Ikatsui, Doki

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[4th] week 67, Ikatsui, Doki

Contact Info: grimblueman

Name: Ikatsui, Doki

Age: actual age 250, looks 25

Persona: Doki is a kind hearted man who wishes to help people more then hurt them. He can sometimes be found napping on the roof of his division headquarters with his medium sized sake gourd by his side. He is known to drink his sake during his strolls around soul society on his days off or when no other members of his division are around. He is always seen with a large grin on his face and will greet anyone he sees with a very friendly hello.

Physical Stature: Doki stands at a whopping 5’2” and has long salt and pepper hair that he pulls back into a high ponytail. His slate gray eyes have a glazed look to them making it seem he is always tired. He has a lean look to his frame and has medium light tan skin. Upon his face is a large scar that runs from above his left eye running down diagonally to the right of his mouth. He removed the left sleeve to his shihakushou for better mobility while using his sword. He is left handed. Strapped to the left side of his belt is his sake gourd which is either half full or completely empty all of the time.

Biography: He has no memories of his life before coming to soul society or how he had got his scar. For the first 203 years while in soul society he just stayed in the district he appeared in and wandered around seeing what his new home was like. He would watch as other people went about their lives as nothing had happened but he started to notice some people weren’t treated the way others where so he spent the next 10 years helping those people anyway he could. During those 10 years he met an old man he called sensei who helped him. He picked up the drinking habit from his sensei during those years living with him. Towards the end of those years Doki started to notice he needed to eat so he asked his sensei what was going on. His sensei told him he should enter the shingami academy. It took him twice as long to graduate from the academy because he kept falling asleep during classes about combat.


Division / Seat: 4th division/ unseated

Zanpakutou: Doki’s zanpakutou is a shirasaya style sword. ( link to what one looks like=> http://www.japaneseswords4samurai.com/images/japanese-swords-samurai-ryumon-shirasaya-katana.jpg) the blade is 31 inches long and the handle is 8.5 inches long. In order of Doki to draw his sword he must turn the handle a 1/8 of an inch to the left. Upon the blade being unsheathed you will see that it is a saksbato or reversed-edge sword because of his nature not to harm any humans or Shinigami. Carved into the sheath is the saying “follow your own path.” he wears his zanpakutou on his right side.

Stats:

Reiatsu: 100
Zanjutsu: 5
Hakuda: 5
Hohou: 40
Kidou: 50
Connection: 0

The Sample Chapter:

The Quest for the Magic Elixir (word count:1279)

It was another beautiful day in Soul Society. You could hear birds chirping as they flew over head and the flowers where in full bloom as you walk past. Today was a perfect day to spend out outside and not in some room. One shinigami knew that it was perfect out side so he ditched work to enjoy it. That shinigami was Doki Ikatsui. He didn’t want to spend all day tending to patients like his friend Hade wanted him to. As the smiling shinigami walked around he saw a large tree with quite a lot of shade. He knew that place would be perfect for him to drink a little of his sake and then nap for a while.

As Doki was sitting down he removed his Zanpakuto from his left hip and placed it next to him. As he placed his back up against the trunk of the tree the content shinigami drew in a large breath of fresh air in then let it out slowly. After a short time he began to get thirst so he reached for his sake gourd tied to his belt. As he slowly untied it from his belt and uncorked it the shinigami found it to be a tad light for his liking but none the less he lifted to him lips ready for some of the sake to pour into his mouth. As the gourd was full lifted upwards while still against the waiting shinigami lips nothing came out, the gourd he always cared was empty. The upset man removed the gourd from his lips, re-corked it and hung his head in sadness.

“I can’t believe I forgot to fill it before I snuck out this morning and it took me a few days just to find a way out without being seen too.” said Doki.

As the man sat there under the tree he pondered his few options and the only one he could think of was to sneak back in, fill his gourd, and sneak back out before Hade or anyone else saw him. The short man rose from his nice quit shaded spot and started walking back towards his division’s headquarters. Doki thought about what kind of punishment he might get if he was caught again. The only one to come to his mind was sewer duty. He felt a large cold shock traveled down his spine slowly remembering he was down there just a week ago for the same thing he did actually today. He was forced to burn his last shihakushou because the smell wouldn’t come out at all.

Back at the 4th division headquarters a young shingami could be seen running around searching for something or someone. This young shinigami is Hade Shimei and he was looking for Doki. He knew that his friend has been trying to sneak out lately but there was no way he could have gotten out with out him knowing right. The blonde hair man knew if he didn’t find his friend he would be severing the punishment of sewer duty and there was no way he was going down into those sewers. As he walked down every hall checking each room he asked any members he walked past if they have seen Doki and the answer was always no.

As Doki was sneaking into the main compound of his headquarters he knew his only option was to use Bakudou Blue Eye so he could see the reiatsu of all shinigami near him. He knew that trying to see reiatsu on other side of walls or doors was going to be hard since he hasn’t full gotten use to the bakudou yet but he had to get to his room and using it was the only way to see if any other members where about to come his way. “Give spirits life, make the silence visible, Bakudou #5, Blue Eye” said the determined shinigami in a low voice. As his eyes turned a bright blue he could see anyone with reiatsu that was close to him. “Jackpot! Now all I have to do is make it to my room.” said the confident man. He found a small window he could climb through so before he did he looked to make sure no one was around and when he didn’t see anyone he climbed in.

He was now two or three hallways into the headquarters when he hit a small problem. The problem was that just as he turned down one of the halls he could see a small reiatsu signature coming his way so he turned back to find another way. Just then someone was heading down that hallway to so he did the only thing he could think of and that was to hide. While the man was looking franticly for a place to hide he found a supply room he could duck into for cover. Inside the supply room he found a small cabinet that he could fit into so he quickly threw open the doors and got in closing them behind him. As the short man sat there he cured him self for being short but he also knew at the same time it was a good thing, but he would never admit to it willingly.

After a few minutes of waiting in the supply room he left and continued his quest to get to his room without being seen. He was now maybe three or four halls away form his room was so he deactivated his kidou since he saw very few reiatsu signatures around. When the tired shinigami entered the hall his room was on he saw his door open and Hade walking out of it. Doki quickly dived into the first open room he saw praying that no one was in it. As he lifted his head he saw that the room he dived into was empty. “Thank good no one was in this room or I would have been dead for sure.” whispered the scared man.

After making sure the cost was clear he walked out of the empty room and walked over to his door. As he walked trough his open door he was overjoyed he made back with out being seen. After closing the door to his room the shinigami sat on his floor and grabbed one of the large jugs sitting on the floor. He removed his gourd from his belt, uncorked it then he removed the cork of the large jug and slowly pored the sake from the jug to his gourd. He re-corked the gourd and right before he placed the cork of the jug the man took a large swig from it. As he tied the gourd back on his belt the happy shinigami said “now that I have my sake all I have to do is get back to the tree.”

As Doki opened his door there stood Hade. “Doki you are in a great deal of trouble for ditching work, you are to report to the sewers right now.” said Hade in a harsh tone.

“I was here the whole time Hade.” said the guilty man trying to get out of sewer duty.

“That is a lie and it is an order for me to make sure you report for sewer duty if I caught you trying to sneak out again.” said the upset blonde.

After Hade finished saying that he grabbed the collar of his friend’s shihakushou and dragged him off to do sewer duty. All the way there you could here the busted shinigami saying “why oh why did I have to head back for the sake” over and over again.
 
Alright, let's get started. First off all your headers like Name, Persona and such should be bolded.

Contact: Assuming it's AIM, so fine.

Name: Okay.

Age: Fine.

Persona: Okay, first up you've got quite a few spelling/word errors scattered about this whole application, so those will have to be fixed. Ie: "Doki is a kind heated man." Most of your Persona is okay aside from how choppy and littered with sentence fragments it is. Some thoughts need to be combined, and some need to be omitted entirely. If you drink a large amount of sake you're going to get drunk, end of story.

Physical Stature: Very descriptive, and helps me paint a vivid picture in my mind of what Doki would look like. Fix the spelling errors and this is pretty much good to go.

Biography: Needs to be fleshed out. You say you stayed in one spot for 200 years? Why? What did this accomplish? Expand on the thoughts you have here.

Division: Good.

Zanpakuto: Okay, aside from a Kenshin complex you're fine. You will need some reason for having a reversed blade sword.

Stats: Equal 100.

Sample Chapter: I'll have to come back to this so fix up the things I've listed and look it all over again in the meantime.
 
i will get right on those mistakes now. i kind knew i would have to work on the bio a bit more but while writing the sample chapter and everthing else first i kind speed through it. I just read over my sample chapter and i will fix the few errors i saw.
 
Okay, 2nd review.

Name: Good.

Age: Good.

Persona: A kind hearted healer who loves the sauce. I love it.

Physical Description: Combine a couple of sentence fragments, change 'whooping' to 'whopping' and it's good to go.

Biography: A little boring, and some of the sentences run on a tad...but for the most part it's okay. Fix the grammar and typos and it's good to go.

Division: Good.

Zanpakuto: Okay, first and foremost the Gotei 13 is a military organization, meaning you're a soldier. A soldier will have to fight, no matter what. Now you could make exceptions for this, ie: you won't raise your sword against other humans or Shinigami, but as it is this won't fly. Hollows are living things, and they terrorize and consume other living things! (Much like humans...buuut that's a whole different can of worms.) After all, if you refuse to kill any living thing, why have a sword to begin with?

Stats: Still good.

Sample Chapter: Alright, here's your biggest obstacle to getting approved. Do I like the basis and story behind your SC? You betcha. The tone is light and comedic enough to be entertaining, you don't do anything superhuman or godmoddish in your writing, and for the most part it was enjoyable to read.

But here's the thing: You have to, have to, have to work on your spelling and grammar! You mistake words like 'toke' for 'took' and you restate things several times in the same sentence. Here's a good example of what I mean:

"Just before Doki sat down he removed his zanpakutou from his left side and set it next to him when he sat down."

You use the verb 'sit' three times in this sentence, and all it does is drag out the explanation and slow down the tone of the story. Here's a suggested way of revising it:

'Doki gingerly removed the Zanpakuto from his waist and sat down, setting the weapon next to him.'

Lower word count? Yeah. More succinct explanation of an action most people learned by the time they were three years old? Again, yeah.

I like your app Doki. I really, really do. Your character is fairly original, and doesn't follow any well-worn archetype of "loner with sword" or anything like that. Your biggest problem is your spelling and grammar. In any other format we might not make such a big deal about this sort of thing, but as it is a textual based RPG you have to have good spelling and grammar. It's an absolute must. Go through the areas I've suggested changes, fix them up, and I'll look it over again. Good luck.
 
And before I forget:

Name: Fine.

Age: Good.

Persona: Good.

Physical Stature: Good.

Bio:

Biography: He has no memories of his life before coming to soul society or how he had got his scar. For the first 203 years while in soul society he just stayed in the district he appeared in and wandered around seeing what his new home was like. He would watch as other people went about there lives as nothing had happened but he started to notice some people weren’t treated the way others where so he spent the next 10 years helping those people anyway he could. During those 10 years he met an old man he called sensei who helped him. He picked up the drinking habit from his sensei during those years living with him. Towards the end of those years Doki started to notice he needed to eat so he asked his sensei what was up. His sensei told him he should enter the shingami academy. It took him twice as long to graduate from the academy because he kept falling a sleep during classes about combat.

Red indicates things that need to be changed or reworded. IE: "what was up" sounds very indifferent, and would probably sound better if you reworded it.

Div, Zan & Stats: Fine.

Sample Chapter: For the most part it looks good, you just have one or two areas that could use some tweaking and revision. Once you fix up the last stray bits you have to, you should be ready to post in Final Drafts.
 
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