Reviewed [Aq] Week 201: Dinner Time! - Feedback
- Thread starter Pho
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Mystydjinn
[Insert rimshot]
This was really nice. It's sweet to see a nice wholesome time amongst all these unrepentant murderers, thieves, and general ne'er do wells.
Getting into the meat of this. On the first read through I couldn't find any important points being carried through this story. It felt like you'd taken a camera to this family gathering, set it on a table, and then spun it around for 20 minutes so it felt disjointed like nothing had a point. On the second read-through I realized this was intentional.
Now that I think I know what you're doing; I appreciate all the little hints at important figures and locals around here, and I assume that you're going to be bringing them up later. So this was like a nice little platter of stories to taste that we'll get to have go back for seconds of later. Very nice very nice.
I don't think it's a problem, but I found it curious that you wrote this piece in present tense rather than past. Threw me off a couple times just because I'm not used to it anymore, but it came out pretty nice. Only thing I have to say about this that's not "great" is that the ending line felt a little forced.
I assume that this rainbow colored friend is going to get into trouble soon, but:
But if you really wanted to add something there, maybe changing that line so it reads as a saying, or changing the actual final line to something else might work better. Sorry if it felt like I didn't help much there, I kinda felt like all I was doing was being a "WRONG" buzzer without a solution there. But all in all, good chapter.
I look forward to more.
OMFG I FORGOT ABOUT HYPNOPARROT.
Getting into the meat of this. On the first read through I couldn't find any important points being carried through this story. It felt like you'd taken a camera to this family gathering, set it on a table, and then spun it around for 20 minutes so it felt disjointed like nothing had a point. On the second read-through I realized this was intentional.
Now that I think I know what you're doing; I appreciate all the little hints at important figures and locals around here, and I assume that you're going to be bringing them up later. So this was like a nice little platter of stories to taste that we'll get to have go back for seconds of later. Very nice very nice.
I don't think it's a problem, but I found it curious that you wrote this piece in present tense rather than past. Threw me off a couple times just because I'm not used to it anymore, but it came out pretty nice. Only thing I have to say about this that's not "great" is that the ending line felt a little forced.
I assume that this rainbow colored friend is going to get into trouble soon, but:
"The rainbow-streaked lad tries to perk up a bit, to get his sister's mood back up, and says, "Don't worry! I'll be fine! Granny made sure I can look after myself!"
He then throws his voice down the table and asks, "Isn't that right?"
"I ain't agreein' to whatever schemes you kids are coming up with over there!" resounds back.
Mille couldn't stop himself from snorting at that one - a real pearl of wisdom. "
Felt a little awkward since I didn't see any specific bits pearls of wisdom/quote worthy things one would call a "saying" mentioned anywhere in this piece. So it felt like you were looking for a zinger to wrap this chapter up with and couldn't find one. Personally, I'd say that could have cut the story off at: He then throws his voice down the table and asks, "Isn't that right?"
"I ain't agreein' to whatever schemes you kids are coming up with over there!" resounds back.
Mille couldn't stop himself from snorting at that one - a real pearl of wisdom. "
"I ain't agreein' to whatever schemes you kids are coming up with over there!" resounds back.
But if you really wanted to add something there, maybe changing that line so it reads as a saying, or changing the actual final line to something else might work better. Sorry if it felt like I didn't help much there, I kinda felt like all I was doing was being a "WRONG" buzzer without a solution there. But all in all, good chapter.
I look forward to more.
OMFG I FORGOT ABOUT HYPNOPARROT.
Pho
Member
Yeah I thought that using the present tense for the first couple of paragraphs would be a cool way to describe the setting. Then Will pointed out that I was tense slipping, so I tried out changing the whole thing to present tense to see how it goes. I definitely find it odd too, since I'm using to reading and writing past tense. Was a fun experiment though 
Thanks for the point about the ending, that's definitely worth working on
Thanks for the point about the ending, that's definitely worth working on
Yeah I thought that using the present tense for the first couple of paragraphs would be a cool way to describe the setting. Then Will pointed out that I was tense slipping, so I tried out changing the whole thing to present tense to see how it goes. I definitely find it odd too, since I'm using to reading and writing past tense. Was a fun experiment though
Thanks for the point about the ending, that's definitely worth working on
You could do present for scene-setting like that, but I was more referring to the slips happening during the rest. It's mainly a matter of establishing consistency in what you're writing. Even changing things from first-person to third-person mid-chapter can be okay as long as there's a consistent pattern readers can pick up on, and it doesn't happen frequently enough to be confusing.