Reviewed [Be/Be] Week 200: Coda - Feedback
- Thread starter swaswj
- Start date
So sorry you had to wait this long for feedback Will & Berri.
I do enjoy the world building and descriptive language you both use, you balance character movement and environment descriptions well. I like how it paints a picture of what's going on without being overwhelmingly detailed. Additionally, you two write together seamlessly, easily transitioning between writers. If not for the coloring, I'd think one person wrote the entire chapter.
I enjoyed the characterization in this thread quite a bit. Keydis' poor acting skills and awkwardness were pretty funny, but not as amusing as the insults she traded with the guys who beat El up and stole his sword. El, on the other hand is amusingly cheery. It's a nice contrast.
Last time I commented on a thread with El and Keydis, I called Keydis a bully (I think) or mean. It still stands that she's mean, she shoved a man's face in the sand --literally. But she's also a good friend to El and her emphasis on a fair fight shows her integrity, although her version of fair is 5v1. A bit cocky in an enjoyable way, especially when she calls them gutless bitches. Despite her cocky attitude, you do a good job of balancing Keydis' strength with the disadvantage of being outnumbered. Despite being more skilled, she still has a difficult time at first.
I also noticed that El seems to have grown a bit of a back bone, Berri. I'm proud of him, and you for that. It was good to see him knock Yorah on his ass. I was cheering for him throughout the collab. One thing you want to work on, Berri, is narrating fights. When you describe the grappling on the ground, you start most sentences with the name of the character who did the action. This is good for knowing who did what, but it gets repetitive.
You could mention the attacker receiving a counter attack or replace their names with other descriptors to make it more varied. It could read something like this
On the other hand, I enjoy how El loses his shit and starts beating down the drunkard who robbed him until Keydis stops him (that was a low blow, Will).
Great work, write more
I do enjoy the world building and descriptive language you both use, you balance character movement and environment descriptions well. I like how it paints a picture of what's going on without being overwhelmingly detailed. Additionally, you two write together seamlessly, easily transitioning between writers. If not for the coloring, I'd think one person wrote the entire chapter.
I enjoyed the characterization in this thread quite a bit. Keydis' poor acting skills and awkwardness were pretty funny, but not as amusing as the insults she traded with the guys who beat El up and stole his sword. El, on the other hand is amusingly cheery. It's a nice contrast.
Last time I commented on a thread with El and Keydis, I called Keydis a bully (I think) or mean. It still stands that she's mean, she shoved a man's face in the sand --literally. But she's also a good friend to El and her emphasis on a fair fight shows her integrity, although her version of fair is 5v1. A bit cocky in an enjoyable way, especially when she calls them gutless bitches. Despite her cocky attitude, you do a good job of balancing Keydis' strength with the disadvantage of being outnumbered. Despite being more skilled, she still has a difficult time at first.
I also noticed that El seems to have grown a bit of a back bone, Berri. I'm proud of him, and you for that. It was good to see him knock Yorah on his ass. I was cheering for him throughout the collab. One thing you want to work on, Berri, is narrating fights. When you describe the grappling on the ground, you start most sentences with the name of the character who did the action. This is good for knowing who did what, but it gets repetitive.
You could mention the attacker receiving a counter attack or replace their names with other descriptors to make it more varied. It could read something like this
On the other hand, I enjoy how El loses his shit and starts beating down the drunkard who robbed him until Keydis stops him (that was a low blow, Will).
Great work, write more
Been a while, so I thought I'd read this and give some thoughts.
You two really enjoy writing together because all of your collabs are long. Loooong. Technique-wise, it's good. I didn't notice anything wrong. And the picture both of your words paint is great. The descriptions of the fighting had a great sense of rawness. At the end, though, it amounts to a beat up some guys collab.
The fight part felt like it dragged on because Keydis needed something to do. The middle part really could have been a El chapter. Keydis and the other guys could have been standing by. Or just have less guys around so they wouldn't think they could overpower Keydis. That leaves the focus on El and his struggles.
The parts of Keydis I did like were how she wants to help El but lets him do it himself. She only makes certain El is in a manageable situation. The end where she calms everything down is good, too. The two of them have a fun relationship.
You two really enjoy writing together because all of your collabs are long. Loooong. Technique-wise, it's good. I didn't notice anything wrong. And the picture both of your words paint is great. The descriptions of the fighting had a great sense of rawness. At the end, though, it amounts to a beat up some guys collab.
The fight part felt like it dragged on because Keydis needed something to do. The middle part really could have been a El chapter. Keydis and the other guys could have been standing by. Or just have less guys around so they wouldn't think they could overpower Keydis. That leaves the focus on El and his struggles.
The parts of Keydis I did like were how she wants to help El but lets him do it himself. She only makes certain El is in a manageable situation. The end where she calms everything down is good, too. The two of them have a fun relationship.
Mystydjinn
[Insert rimshot]
I got here pretty late so I'm gonna just gonna comment gonna comment on the ending bit.
While I enjoyed the piece you two wrote altogether, I really enjoyed the ending bit where the conexus guards appeared. Even though they lasted less than twenty percent of the piece, their characterization, as well as the characterization of the lesser goons with Yorah and Sal, left little to be seen as lacking.
I don't know if you're watching My Hero Academia Berri/Inks/I never know which one to call you, but I know you are Will, and I have to say that the method you two used to characterize the characters besides your PCs reminded me strongly of the way that the characters in BnH are characterized. (I've said character too much, I'm gonna say potato from now one).
You two don't spend a lot of time giving detailed descriptions for these potato'es personalities or motivations, but rather you let it show through in brief tells in their actions and they way they interact with one another and your PCs all throughout this tale. It especially shows through when the guards appear at the end and make futile attempts to get details from the brawlers nearby.
The way that the guard that actually speaks questions the goon potatoes, calling them by name for one, shows that he's familiar with them for some reason and makes them more interesting to the reader. It makes your world feel a little more real to the reader by creating a potential branch into the "reality" of Araevis aside from the fantastical existence of Keydis and Eloquii.
The constant reference to the fact that the goon potatoes have jobs as fishermen as hard labor puts their strength and mentality into perspective. It's an easy way to explain their generally misogynistic and egotistical behaviors, geeking each other up over the spoils of illicit activity despite their honest living is something that makes total sense with the lives that you imply they live.
The cowardice they display when confronted with someone capable of standing on their own and for something besides a selfish desire represented by Keydis, helps to drive home that they're sheep. Without Yorah to direct their actions and feelings, they have no will of their own. They find strength in numbers, but within their numbers there is no bond. These potatoes are not really friends, they're just C-class henchmen following a gorilla.
Sal was the most interesting of them all though. Unlike the rest of the goon potatoes, Sal seems to be the only one besides Yorah with a will of his own and maybe the only one who has a bond with Yorah. The way he hangs back from the fight without being directly threatened by Keydis without pouncing on her in a rage displays that he shows some discomfort with the events unfolding in front of him, besides fear of getting his ass-kicked by the scary tomboy. When Sal hangs back, even though Keydis and El aren't privy to it, it's clear that he's at odds with the morality of the situation in front of him. He's trying to decide how, or if it's possible, to justify jumping on El with Yorah and co. again when he knows his party is in the wrong. We know this because as Keydis turns to bolt for El at the very end, Sal finally begins to act as well, showing that he decided to bide by the terran's demand for a fair fight. His decision was to remain neutral until Keydis intervened in El and Yorah's fight, but stopped for the sake of letting Yorah face his music. At least that's what it looked like to me.
But that's all I really had to say, everyone else pretty much said anything else I could've touched on.
While I enjoyed the piece you two wrote altogether, I really enjoyed the ending bit where the conexus guards appeared. Even though they lasted less than twenty percent of the piece, their characterization, as well as the characterization of the lesser goons with Yorah and Sal, left little to be seen as lacking.
I don't know if you're watching My Hero Academia Berri/Inks/I never know which one to call you, but I know you are Will, and I have to say that the method you two used to characterize the characters besides your PCs reminded me strongly of the way that the characters in BnH are characterized. (I've said character too much, I'm gonna say potato from now one).
You two don't spend a lot of time giving detailed descriptions for these potato'es personalities or motivations, but rather you let it show through in brief tells in their actions and they way they interact with one another and your PCs all throughout this tale. It especially shows through when the guards appear at the end and make futile attempts to get details from the brawlers nearby.
The way that the guard that actually speaks questions the goon potatoes, calling them by name for one, shows that he's familiar with them for some reason and makes them more interesting to the reader. It makes your world feel a little more real to the reader by creating a potential branch into the "reality" of Araevis aside from the fantastical existence of Keydis and Eloquii.
The constant reference to the fact that the goon potatoes have jobs as fishermen as hard labor puts their strength and mentality into perspective. It's an easy way to explain their generally misogynistic and egotistical behaviors, geeking each other up over the spoils of illicit activity despite their honest living is something that makes total sense with the lives that you imply they live.
The cowardice they display when confronted with someone capable of standing on their own and for something besides a selfish desire represented by Keydis, helps to drive home that they're sheep. Without Yorah to direct their actions and feelings, they have no will of their own. They find strength in numbers, but within their numbers there is no bond. These potatoes are not really friends, they're just C-class henchmen following a gorilla.
Sal was the most interesting of them all though. Unlike the rest of the goon potatoes, Sal seems to be the only one besides Yorah with a will of his own and maybe the only one who has a bond with Yorah. The way he hangs back from the fight without being directly threatened by Keydis without pouncing on her in a rage displays that he shows some discomfort with the events unfolding in front of him, besides fear of getting his ass-kicked by the scary tomboy. When Sal hangs back, even though Keydis and El aren't privy to it, it's clear that he's at odds with the morality of the situation in front of him. He's trying to decide how, or if it's possible, to justify jumping on El with Yorah and co. again when he knows his party is in the wrong. We know this because as Keydis turns to bolt for El at the very end, Sal finally begins to act as well, showing that he decided to bide by the terran's demand for a fair fight. His decision was to remain neutral until Keydis intervened in El and Yorah's fight, but stopped for the sake of letting Yorah face his music. At least that's what it looked like to me.
But that's all I really had to say, everyone else pretty much said anything else I could've touched on.