Shadowthread
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Please post any comments, critique, and other feedback here for [Collab] Week 309: In the dark of night, a lightning strikes by Shadowthread.
Reviewed [Collab] Week 309: In the dark of night, a lightning strikes - Feedback
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Kaizaell Songe
Member
Heyo Threads and Myst, Tod here to get you one of them thar Review things.
It was a good chapter, all in all, really ramping up the action and violence. Since this is my first time reading a Dante chapter, it really sucked me into the world. The descriptions were lively and the flow was fairly smooth, other than the color scheme for about 90% of it I couldn't tell it was written by two separate authors.
Threads, you did a good job showcasing Dante's skills, and it was thrilling seeing how a hand-to-hand specialist would deal with a giant oversized monstrosity. It was really thrilling and cathartic by the end to see what all he could do, while keeping it realistic and grounded. Well done.
Myst, You also did excellently in this. Other than some small grammatical errors I didn't see anything that I'd be able to call out for correction. The main thing was saying that things took "seconds". If the thing was lightning fast it'd probably be better to say that it took "Less than a second" or some variation of that. Like I said though, you did very well in this chapter, especially in describing how the thing would promise violence and reliably deliver on that promise.
Other than that there's just one small nitpick.
"Now, badly burnt from the electricity that had coursed through him and the water it had boiled from his skin Dante /screamed in agony, he felt a trickle of warmth from his left shoulder, but the pain was muddled by the surge of adrenaline coursing in his body. Trying to move his left arm was useless and caused a sharp jolt of pain to the athlete, he had broken a bone in his arm,\ and outside Farfafel was slowly prowling towards the cart, nose flaring rapidly, to finish him off. "
The parts marked with slashes was in a white color scheme so the only way I could read it was highlighting it, which meant I had to get on my computer to do so. That's literally the only real part that bothered me with the chapter.
Anyways, I look forward to part two, don't know if that's going to be another Collaboration or a Private Chapter but count me in on reading it when it comes out.
It was a good chapter, all in all, really ramping up the action and violence. Since this is my first time reading a Dante chapter, it really sucked me into the world. The descriptions were lively and the flow was fairly smooth, other than the color scheme for about 90% of it I couldn't tell it was written by two separate authors.
Threads, you did a good job showcasing Dante's skills, and it was thrilling seeing how a hand-to-hand specialist would deal with a giant oversized monstrosity. It was really thrilling and cathartic by the end to see what all he could do, while keeping it realistic and grounded. Well done.
Myst, You also did excellently in this. Other than some small grammatical errors I didn't see anything that I'd be able to call out for correction. The main thing was saying that things took "seconds". If the thing was lightning fast it'd probably be better to say that it took "Less than a second" or some variation of that. Like I said though, you did very well in this chapter, especially in describing how the thing would promise violence and reliably deliver on that promise.
Other than that there's just one small nitpick.
"Now, badly burnt from the electricity that had coursed through him and the water it had boiled from his skin Dante /screamed in agony, he felt a trickle of warmth from his left shoulder, but the pain was muddled by the surge of adrenaline coursing in his body. Trying to move his left arm was useless and caused a sharp jolt of pain to the athlete, he had broken a bone in his arm,\ and outside Farfafel was slowly prowling towards the cart, nose flaring rapidly, to finish him off. "
The parts marked with slashes was in a white color scheme so the only way I could read it was highlighting it, which meant I had to get on my computer to do so. That's literally the only real part that bothered me with the chapter.
Anyways, I look forward to part two, don't know if that's going to be another Collaboration or a Private Chapter but count me in on reading it when it comes out.
Haven't read the chapter itself, yet, but thought I would respond to this with a suggestion. The forum has a BGCOLOR tag you can use. If you want to include white text, specifically, you can surround it in a darker bgcolor so it stands out regardless of which forum skin the reader is using.
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Now, badly burnt from the electricity that had coursed through him and the water it had boiled from his skin Dante [color=white][bgcolor=black]screamed in agony, he felt a trickle of warmth from his left shoulder, but the pain was muddled by the surge of adrenaline coursing in his body. Trying to move his left arm was useless and caused a sharp jolt of pain to the athlete, he had broken a bone in his arm,[/bgcolor][/color] and outside Farfafel was slowly prowling towards the cart, nose flaring rapidly, to finish him off.Now, badly burnt from the electricity that had coursed through him and the water it had boiled from his skin Dante [bgcolor=black]screamed in agony, he felt a trickle of warmth from his left shoulder, but the pain was muddled by the surge of adrenaline coursing in his body. Trying to move his left arm was useless and caused a sharp jolt of pain to the athlete, he had broken a bone in his arm,[/bgcolor] and outside Farfafel was slowly prowling towards the cart, nose flaring rapidly, to finish him off.