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Approved Fiora Sulmare - Spurii (Cross-breed)

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Thanatyr

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Name: Fiora Sulmare
Age: 22
Race: Spurii: Laicar, Velen
If Spurii, indicate your first Racial Trait: Aquatic Affinity (Velen)

Vigor: 1000
Latens: 0

Persona: More so than anything, Fiora is very aware of her Velen heritage and she was raised from a young age to hide it as best as possible. She will keep her distance from nearly everyone unless every last scale is hidden carefully under layers of clothing. A consummate prankster besides that, Fiora has gotten into trouble with the authorities in the past. She tends to appear aloof, all while being curious about nearly everything. This same curiosity leads her to acts of larceny, exploring in places she has no business being in and taking what might not be legally hers. Fiora also loves to swim whenever she can sneak away from her family to do so, as long as there are no spectators.

Physical Stature: Fiora’s mother passed on only a few Velen features. Along her collarbone, elbows, knees, wrists, ankles and knuckles are patches of azure blue scales. Her fingernails do sharpen over time unless she keeps them maintained. Webbing stretches between her toes, but not her fingers, and a pattern of blue is etches into her otherwise lacair skin. Fiora's gills are in fact a secondary set of bronchus that stem off from her trachea, the gills then have the water flow through the gill flaps between her ribs on the sides. All of her Velen features remain hidden under layers of clothing and gloves she almost never removes. To further hide her Velen heritage, her hair color that matches the scales across her body is normally dyed a deep brown.

Biography: Originally from Prendintus, Fiora’s father Marius the second fell in love with a velen woman named Lucia. Their affair wouldn’t have been an issue had Marius not been married already. After Fiora was born, her mother found out about Marius’ other family. Shortly after, Fiora was left on Marius’ doorstep. From then on she was the bastard child of the family, always getting into trouble. Out of boredom the spurii child began acts of petty larceny.

Character Skills

School of Occultus (The Hidden)

School of Serpens (The Serpent)

Discipline of Battuentis (The Fencer)

Way of Pistolii (The Duelist)

Sample Chapter:

“Come on, Renzo, stretch your legs with me! Better this than being cooped up on that airship for days on end. Besides, this is our last small town stop before our grounding in Terminus!”

The nearly melodic yell echoed through the small wooden room, enough to wake Renzo Sulmare out of his light sleep. Hazel eyes opened with annoyance to the noise now ringing in his ears. Six days of travel, and at every port of call she had to stretch her legs. Why couldn't his sister just be a hard worker like everyone else in the family? Oh right, that side of her that always wanted to be free. Always with her secrets that caused so much grief behind a devilish smile.

That same smile flashed with a flourish of movement, as she yanked the covers off his bed at the top of the bunk.

“I said let’s go!” she commanded of her older brother in a tone layered with overt boredom, “Or would you prefer I go without you?”

Fiora and being bored, what an explosive combination. That was enough of a warning to snap Renzo into action.

“Alright, hold o-urf!” Sitting upright may not have been the best plan. His freckled face collided with the wooden planks over his bed loudly enough to echo lightly. Through gritted teeth he worked through it. Nothing was as bad as the burns of hot metal. Plus that wasn't the first time he smacked his head in these cramped quarters. Shaking his nose the laicar man finished his thought, “Hold on, I’m coming.”

“Damn right you are, brother! Who else will keep the fair people of where-ever-we-are-ville safe from the rogue that is me? As father would say, that is.”

A quick once over told Fiora her scandalous heritage was hidden beneath the usual layering of clothes. Curious that she always checked whenever bringing up their old man, perhaps she did it out of respect. Or just a habit, as he was prone to ensure she was bundled tightly when in public.

Renzo pushed his sister out of the cramped quarters so he could get dressed. In most proper cities their suite on the airship would pass more as a broom closet. Space was a precious commodity among the clouds, which always meant money. Had they been shunted into a luxury airship for a journey halfway around the world, even the Sulmare family would have felt the sting in their chequeing account.

Per usual the laicar lad decided on only two shirts, a jacket, and his trousers. No sense getting all dressed up for some backwater village. Not without a pretty lass waiting, of course. Like the redhead from back home, he remembered her name was Sarah. Her name at least started with an S, or was it a T?

Shaking his head, Renzo opened the door expecting to see his sister waiting gloomily, but an empty hallway greeted him instead.

“Of course…” he muttered under his breath. First a right turn down the hallway, then a left to get to the stairs, down those and a large enlil deckhand took up the entry to the ship.

“Hello again Corporal, erm, Desmon was it? Sorry, I'm rather shit with names,” the cleft on the airman’s uniform at least told him he got the name right, “Did you happen to see my sister slip past you a few minutes ago?”

“It’s Hector,” the Corporal sighed at the lapse and tapped his name badge for likely the hundredth time that voyage, “and yes, she flew past me like a regular enlil on the wind. Just like at every port. Make it quick, we’re only here for a quick refuel before we lift off. No more than an hour.”

With that Hector squeezed to the side to let Lorenzo through. Outside the ship beckoned. The sun broke the clouds early this morning, leaving very little of the normal sea-mist lying on the ground. Or maybe that was mainly something native to Prenditus and the typically gloomy weather there. Renzo shrugged, making his way down the mooring.

He easily spotted Fiora talking to one official-looking man in a ridiculous top hat trimmed with brass. Sighing, he also saw her hands. More precisely, he saw their fluid motions. A quick jog brought him along side his beloved sister just as the docking master turned to leave.

“Give. It. Back.” The words bit into the air quietly enough so that no gossipers would overhear. His arm locked around hers to prevent her escape.

“Whatever do you mean?” her practiced innocent look never worked on him, unlike her attempts on so many others. Moments passed, tensions built between them. Finally one of them snapped.

She wouldn't admit she was caught, even while doing as she was asked. A small coin purse nearly appeared out of thin air and she waved around dangling by a string, “Excuse me, I think you dropped this!”

Her call to the harbour master brought a look of confusion and panic. Gloved hands shot down his sides, patting where his coins should have been. A forced and rather terse march had his hat on crooked and before the unaligned siblings. Glowing red with anger he barked out, “Did you cut-purse me, woman?!”

“Well, no,” she handed over his coin purse while trying to look incredulous. Calling her a cut purse? Of all of the crooked names for it and he used one that didn't even convey what happened. His ham handed labeling was just so… perfect.

“As you can see the purse and all strings are quite intact. Can’t really have been cut purse if there’s no cutting to be had, no?” all of the little details wrapped around her finger as easily as the strings had untied only minutes before.

Renzo remained stoic as ever over the whole ordeal, ready only to pull her back onto the airship if need be. If the colour change in the Harbour Master’s face was any indication that wouldn't be necessary, this time. He loosened his arm, freeing his sister to scamper off before she could hear an upcoming apology. Yet she remained, to triumph over her emotional victory of the day. She smiled sweet venom over his every stutter. Only when the top-hat nearly fall off entirely did the harbour master turn to leave. At that moment, Fiora glanced over the airship docks towards the open water.

“How much time do we have?” she asked excitedly, a slight bounce in her step along the dock.

“Had you bothered to ask Corporal, um, the Corporal, you would know we have half as long as it takes you to even find a spot. Not to mention you’d want to stay for twice as long as it takes you to search.”

Such careful word choice from a man who only remembered the names of his close family members may have seemed odd to an outsider, but the practiced fluidity of them hid a taboo word. They were both trained to avoid saying the water related S word in the Sulmare household. That might imply she enjoyed the water. Who knew what that could lead to in turn, the family had to avoid any scandals.

“Damn. I did want to have a dip, who knows if Terminus will even have fresh water surrounding it,” she looked distraught over the thought, “does the apartment at least have a…”

She looked around sheepishly, leaned in to whisper the last word, “pool?”

“Sorry, no luck there Fi. We’re on official business after all, can’t be tarnishing any reputations with the truth, that’s just not the way of modern business!” Renzo’s tone showed he was trying to make a mockery of the stern words that haunted the household.

“Better to tarnish the competition with lies!” Fiora spoke her grandfather’s addition, trying to sound as old and bitter as the man she quoted.

“So, what say we take a quick walk around the local market, maybe find some fruit before we hit the big city?” Renzo led the way gently. He was no longer looping his arm with hers to ensure she couldn't get away, but for reassurance.

“Ah, brother dearest, the fruit you’re always after would also take longer than our stay in this hamlet!” Fiora laughed at her own joke, only to be joined seconds later by her brother.

No matter what the world was about to throw at them, they would take it on, together as always.
 
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Updated the sample chapter. Also should be noted that technically Renzo will by my second PC with the following information. I was told to app once, and just pick which of them got the title.

Name: Lorenzo "Renzo" Sulmare
Age: 23
Race: Laicar (Terran)

Vigor: 500
Latens: 0

Persona: Fiercely loyal to all of his family, including and especially his bastard sister, Renzo has been hard at work since he was first able to walk. Always he wants to help out the family, and carry on the traditions and techniques that have existed for generations. He also has an innate curiosity a bit more tame than Fiora’s, one he puts into learning about manufacturing and designing all sorts of items.

Physical Stature: Not taking after his musclebound boxing father entirely, Renzo still keeps fit by working away in the family forges. Small burn scars dot his arms from flying slag, normally hidden under longer sleeves he wears for business affairs. His hazel eyes are steeled to the world, the more he learns about society the more jaded he becomes. For the sake of his work, Renzo keeps his hair fairly short, and dresses modestly.

Biography: Lorenzo was born to Helena and Marius the second of Prenditus, of the Sulmare family. At the age of two, he was introduced to a baby sister who changed his outlook on life. No matter what, he was always there to get her out of a bind. Even now that she’s being sent to Terminus, he volunteered to travel with her so that he might be able to learn the art of Engineering from local artisans.

Character Skills

Art of Aedificare (The Blacksmith)

Art of Terriculum (The Gunsmith)
 
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You've fixed all of the issues that I mentioned with Fi's bio, persona and appearance so good work there but Renzo's has the same mistake in it where you didn't capitalize, "Marius the Second" unless I'm missing something with your usage of "the second" in there.

Now we come to the sample chapter!

In terms of the content of it there are no complaints. I found it a nice, enjoyable read that gave me a good outline of Fiona and her interactions with people (well Laicars, Velens etc;).

Mechanically, again, pretty sound but I will point out a few things that I spotted.

In the paragraph that starts "Fiora and boredom..." you missed changing "snapped" to "snap".

The next paragraph contains two main errors. The first is "loud" instead of loudly" and the second is "hold on" which should be capitalized.

The next obvious error that is see is in this sentence, "Renzo opened the door expecting to see his sister waiting gloomily, an empty hallway greeted him instead" where there should be ",but an empty..."

The next minor error was not putting a hyphen in "official-looking".

You have "quiet" instead of "quietly". Actually this is an error that crops up several times in your writing so do be aware of it!

Also we have this, "out of thin air and waved around dangling by a string..." which should probably have,"she waved it around.." to make it clearer.

Here in, "Well, no,” she handed over his coin purse trying to look incredulous" it might be clearer to say, "she handed over his coin purse while..."

Having made the changes, you get +1 from me.
 
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Hi, Thana

There's a typo I found in your persona section for Renzo, but everything else was fine content-wise. In the persona, in the second sentence "want" should be "wants".

You have some pretty cool characters with fun personalities (and with good looking descriptions of their appearances, too!) and a really nice sample chapter. I agree with the Mwn. Soon has he approves this you'll have your +1 from me too.
 
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