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Approved Furi - Laicar (Terran)

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Vincent Valen

Member
Latens
8,324✦
Exa
⏆4,101
Bounty
⏈0
Dahlitium (⏆50 per)
0⌯
Bigatium (⏆100 per)
0⍨
Auritium (⏆300 per)
0⍫
Vitatium (⏆1200 per)
0⌭
Caelitium (⏆6000 per)
0⌬
Name: Furi
Age: 23
Race: Laicar (Terran)

Vigor: 1000
Latens: 0

Persona: Somewhat of a split personality, Furi is different depending on whether or not she’s on the job. Casually, she’s actually quite the flirt, not afraid to tease and show off in front of others. During missions on the other hand, she shuts out emotion, thinking only about the next shot to take down her target.

Physical Stature: Furi stands at an even six feet tall, with dark skin, green eyes, and long hair that goes down her back. Her attire in combat (or jobs rather) is a black and white suit with a variety of spikes and armor plating spread throughout the costume.

Biography: The girl that would eventually grow up into a huntress lived alone with no name. She grew up in a lawless town that also had no name, where your status was equal to how many bullets were in your gun at the time. She was a scavenger, taking what she could from the bodies of the deceased, ducking in and out of alleyways to stay alive. Creating a home in an abandoned building, she stayed under the radar until the time came where she could hold her own.

Through a number of bodies and survivor tales, stories of an angel of death began to circulate throughout the town. All those that came within a certain distance of the girl’s building would face her fury. The girl, having heard those tales, decided to turn the reputation into her namesake. Furi, she would be.

Gradually, the town and its population began to unite against their common enemy. However, Furi had been prepared for this eventuality. By the time they loaded up, bringing heavy weapons and demolishing the place she had called home, the huntress had departed, looking for a fresh start.

Having left the bullet-riddled town behind, Furi made her way towards Terminus, temporarily stopping at various towns along the way. From one good deed to another, she was able to pick up some technical skills from some of the grateful townspeople. Eventually though she would move on, leaving just enough of an impact to change the places she visited for the better. Personally she did it in the hopes that these stories would reach the town she came from, as if to say ‘Yeah I’m still alive’.

When she finally arrived in Terminus, Furi was amazed at the sight of the titanic city. Wondering what she would do for a source of income, her eyes flickered over a nearby wanted poster. As she looked at the rewards, a smile emerged on the huntress’s face. She’d do what she’d always done, only this time she’d be paid well for it.

Character Skills











Way of Sclopeto (The Rifleman)
Way of Perspicax (The Sniper)








Art of Terriculum (The Gunsmith)


Art of Ingeniarius (The Engineer)

Sample Chapter:

A middle-aged man stood behind a counter, idly cleaning out a mug that seemed unlikely to ever shine again. Today was a slow one. At any given day of the week, he could count on some random drunk or a party of immature kids to lumber on in, and stay drinking til the sun came up. Before he could let out a sigh he’d done on more than one occasion, the door to his establishment suddenly opened.

From what he could hear something was being dragged, as a dark-skinned woman with wild black hair stepped inside. His ears were telling the truth, as she was lugging several black bags behind her. Quite the feat for a girl her age. She let go of the bags and took a seat at the counter.

“Evening,” she said. Her eyes were a vivid green, making her gaze all the more noticeable. The man looked past her at the bags on the floor.

“Should I ask what’s in those?” he inquired.

“A story,” the girl replied.

“Uh huh...and I presume you’re about to tell me it.”

“Pour me a drink and I will.”

“You think I’m just going to give you a drink for free?” he asked, an eyebrow raised skeptically.

“After this story’s over, I expect you’ll be doing a lot of things for me,” she replied, a smirk on her face.

Several hours earlier...

The girl was amazed at the size of the walls, and the massive city within it all. To be honest she wasn’t sure if they were still taking people in until she got to the gates. However given the amount of people that went out for hunts and such and didn’t come back...well there was no shortage of those looking for a new home. Although there was a screening process, her guns didn’t set off red flags, which was a relief. But did make her think what kind of state the city was in if weaponry was openly accepted.

“Question is where am I going to make my bed?” she said to herself quietly. Her sniper rifle lay on her back, with her sidearm shotgun being tied to her right side. On her left was a bag that contained what little she’d taken from her former home.

As she walked through the streets, she passed by a shorter man flanked by a few big guys who were obviously playing the role of bodyguards. They were mid-conversation so they didn’t take notice of her, but she quickly halted a few seconds after they passed.

She didn’t know who they were, but any normal person would not speaking of ‘murder’ on a regular basis. Her curiosity now piqued, she began to shadow them. Either they were highly oblivious or they just didn’t care, but the men didn’t even look behind them once. That was a lesson the girl had needed to learn herself a long time ago. No one else was going to do it for her.

Eventually she was led to a warehouse, which the men disappeared into. She took a few steps back and glanced towards the top of the building. The slanted roof led to a few open window panes.

The girl hadn’t been able to bring too much into the city, but she retain a few of her old gadgets.

“A hook and a rope isn’t much of a gadget though,” she said to herself, having a bit of a laugh as she used the rather dated tool.

Pulling herself up to the windows, she slipped inside, landing on a high set of rafters that ran around the walls. Quietly she took her rifle off of her back, having it at the ready as she surveyed the scene below her.

The leader and his guards were walking through a few aisles of firearms and explosives. Like a regular supermarket of war...

“Boss is it true we’re taking out the old man today? I thought he was a cash cow,” one of the grunts asked.

“Yeah well he decided to spit in my face earlier, so the day’s finally come,” the boss grumbled.

“So what we doing? Bang and burn, or nice and quiet?” the second guard asked.

Then the gunshots rang off. Two of them.

“How about the third option, where I just kill you?” a female voice said aloud. The boss had ducked down after the first shot, both of his henchman now down on the ground, a bullet through each of their heads. He had no idea where the shots came from. With the sound reverberating throughout the large warehouse, it was impossible to pinpoint the source.

He scrambled to pick up a gun, looking down the aisles to try and find this assailant.

“You said this old man was a cash cow. Why?” the voice asked.

“I got dirt on him. He killed the co-founder of their establishment and I caught him in the act. Cleaned up the mess, covered it up, and I been leeching off of his business ever since. But that asshole decided enough was enough today of all days, so now I’m just gonna take the whole business for myself. Now what the hell do you want from me?” he growled.

Then he felt the cold steel of a gun touch the back of his head.

“Nothing,” she said, just before she pulled the trigger.

A ‘clunk’ sound was heard as the girl put down the glass, having finished the drink he’d decided to give her. The man now stood there, quite dumbfounded at the story he’d just heard.

“So...he’s really gone then?” he asked.

“I’d show you his head, but its hard to display something when its in pieces,” she replied.

“What happened to the warehouse?”

“I took what I needed, then informed the proper authorities of a weapons cache, they claimed what was left.”

“What you...needed?” he asked. At that question, the girl stepped off of the stool and went to one of the bags. Tugging at the zipper, she pulled away to unveil a large amount of ammunition. She repeated this process for the second bag, picking up a few weapons from it. To put him at ease, she showed that they were unloaded at the moment, and brought one to the counter.

“These are now yours. Hopefully you’re not going to get anyone else trying to blackmail you,” she said, holding it out to him.

“But why do this?” he said as he took the offered weapon.

“I just got into the city and I’m looking for a place to call home. So if you’re willing, I’d like to set up a little partnership,” she replied.

She then fetched the third bag, lifting it entirely onto the counter with a bit more effort than the others. When this one was opened, the sight of it filled to the brim with exa made the man’s eyes widen.

“I presume most of this is the money he took from you. He might’ve had more than one source of income though. You’ll take this and spruce up the place, maybe add a floor for me. I plan to put my skillset to use in this place, earn something legit for once in my life,” she explained.

“So what you’re going to kill even more people?” he said.

“Not for free, as you can clearly see. I intend to be paid for my services, and once my reputation goes up, I expect this place will get much more popular as employers try to hire me. You’re going to be the middleman, taking the information and such and passing it on to me. I like my anonymity you see, and you’re going to help preserve that. You just have to answer one question,” she finished.

“And that is?” he said hesitantly.

“The man you killed. Why?”

The man sighed at this question. Obviously it wasn’t a happy subject to talk about.

“He was trying to sell our business off to a competitor without my consent. I confronted him about it. Before I knew what happened, words turned into fists. I don’t like how it turned out, but I can’t change that now.”

The girl must’ve liked his answer, because a smirk emerged on her face again.

“Good, we’ll just chalk that up to self-defense. So do we have a deal then mister...,” she said, trailing off as she held a hand out.

“William. You can call me Bill if you’d li€ he finally replied, taking her hand and shaking it with his own.

“Nice to meet you. Now I think I’ll have a look around my new home, if you don’t mind,” she said. The girl closed up all three of the bags, and proceeded to head for the steps that would lead to the second floor.

“I didn’t get your name,” he called out. The girl paused at the first step before turning her head to look back.

“Furi.”
 
Hi.

Name: It fits thematically, which is nice!
Age: Welcome to the club of 23.
Race: It's a race alright.

Vigour: Adds up.
Latens: Heyo.

Persona: I feel like I'm reading a carbon copy of Alexia here and, while I'm not going to berate you for that, I just want to ask you if you don't want to take this chance at a new RP to play something new and refreshing? If not, I have no real qualms about her personality other than the fact that I really dislike split personalities unless there's a really, really damn good explanation for it.

You say she is flirty while in casual-mode, but later on you say that she's lived in a town where people came to know her as a god of death. That's hardly flirty, wouldn't you say? And then apparently she's cold-hearted when on a job, and I can kind of understand that. But, I think you need to make a clear decision whether you want to go for work ethics versus personal life (which is what I think you should go with: work mode for work, casual mode for casual, just like every single person on the planet) or to actually have two different personalities during different moments.

If you want to choose the latter, be my guest but you'd better come up with a story for it why this is how she became to be. So far, even in her biography, I can find nothing that relates to this dual-face of hers.

Physical Stature: Not really a whole lot going on here. You describe her with the least amount of description ever it seems and, while I would've liked to see a bit more... there really isn't anything wrong with it.

Biography: You know you're allowed to come up with names, right? I suggest you take this chance to create something awesome-sounding, or less so... because that stuff can be used for plot later, right? Other than that, Furi's had a pretty decent life it seems - at least compared to most others - and I'm not completely disappointed by that. In fact, I like it.

Character Skills: Apart from the formatting issues, they work.

Sample Chapter: Alrighty, let's go!

First things first, there are these successive sentences:

From what he could hear something was being dragged, as a dark-skinned woman with wild black hair stepped inside. His ears were telling the truth, as she was lugging several black bags behind her.

They both deal with the same problem, so I'll just hash it out for you right now. In both case you use a comma, followed by the word 'as'. Don't do that anymore, they don't work together very well.

Now, to fix the latter sentence, simply drop the comma. However, to fix the latter sentence, we'll need to do a little work on the sentence itself as well because the way you've written it up it unfortunately lacks a little description.

A possible fix:

From what he could hear something was being dragged into his bar and soon a dark-skinned woman with wild black hair stepped inside.


This, combined with the second sentence, makes for a better read.

So, I'll just overlook the 'several hours earlier...' part of your chapter, but as a general rule of thumb... try and incorporate it into the story itself, rather than breaking the immersion. Like, maybe write something such as: "As the girl's eyes met the bartender's, she began her talk, reminiscing about what had happened several hours earlier..."

And then start the story. This way you kind of don't break the immersion as badly as you just did.

Next up:

To be honest she wasn’t sure if they were still taking people in until she got to the gates. However given the amount of people that went out for hunts and such and didn’t come back...well there was no shortage of those looking for a new home.

Both after 'to be honest' and after 'however' there should be a comma. As a general rule of thumb if you can remove words such as 'to be honest' and 'however' and 'but' and the sentence still works, then changes are you'll need a comma after those words. (or before them if they're at the end of a sentence)

Welp, you were doing really well but then tenses hit you in the face!

The girl hadn’t been able to bring too much into the city, but she retain a few of her old gadgets.

It's either "but she did retain a few of her old gadgets" or "but she retained a few of her old gadgets".

Look out for those nasty tense errors.

Comma issue time again:

“Boss is it true we’re taking out the old man today? I thought he was a cash cow,” one of the grunts asked.

Between Boss and is there should be a comma, because even without 'Boss' the sentence still holds up. As another rule of thumb, if you speak it aloud and there's a short pause, there should probably be a comma.

Now, this is probably just an oversight, but:

“I’d show you his head, but its hard to display something when its in pieces,” she replied.

It's it's in both case here, not its. "But it is hard to display something when it is in pieces."

So, I have to say this, but I actually think this is one of your better works. Errors notwithstanding, the writing itself is pretty solid and while reading it I thought Furi was kind of a cool character - unlike what her persona showed me.

So, just take these things into account and you should be good: Approved.
 
Sup, Vin.

Alright, here we go. Your name/age/race all look good, just one thing about your Vigour and Latens: shouldn't you have 500 more? I thought that people who join up within the first two months get a bonus 500 points. That's something to look into.

Moving on!

Your persona reminds me of Alexia, as far as being flirty goes (which I think is fine), but it doesn't quite match up with your biography and your sample chapter. Like Rob said difference between her behavior during work/missions and downtime is understandable but is it really a split personality or is it just having a strong work ethic? From what I read in her biography I would expect Furi to be more serious or cocky and daring rather than a flirt. In your sample chapter, she came across more as a "confident and calm girl" or "adventurous badass" than flirty and playful. What you portrayed her as in the sample chapter is cool, though, so I'd suggest you stick with it and modify your persona section a bit to match that. The only other thing I would also like to see is just a bit more detail in her physical appearance.

Alright, so Rob already pointed out everything with the grammar and mechanics in your sample chap so there's not too much to say about that except ditto. I agree with Rob in that the writing itself is pretty good, I enjoyed your sample chapter and I like Furi's character there much better than the character you described in the persona section.

That being said, you did a pretty good job on your app. Just polish it off a bit and you are APPROVED.
 
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