Ketch +80 wondertwin points Hair V, no really, it is: 230
It's like you and doc are synchronizing chapters or something here. Are you?
This is some sweet setup you got there. It's really detailed and I'll believe you know what you're talking about. I enjoyed the slow setting up of all Tycho's machines before starting into the actual work. If you haven't considered it, there are smells and sounds to help add more life to the scene. All that running around must be loud, and perhaps the oils give off some kind of scent.
This was a really detailed chapter which also ties in nicely with your previous collab. It's nice.
Doc +80 wondertwin points Roar V: 200
It's like you and ketch are synchronizing chapters or something here. Are you?
Huh, this chapter took up a long period of time. I wonder what did Dio do during that 2 month span beyond working on the drone? I guess he went to order a gun. He probably picked it up to.
I enjoyed seeing the drone in action and how Dio's mental state made it just not work right. I really got a feel of how much work was put into just making a drone, and that's something already well-documented. I liked the way the first attempt failed. It was different and related to what happened previously.
Vininini Thieves - 100/109
First of all, I do think your writing has improved since the last time we had a collab. There are a quite a few bits with awkward phrasing, however. One thing I advise is for you to speak your turns out loud when you proofread them, see if it makes sense when spoken. I do this myself, it seems to help me, anyway. Onto the content.
Furi? Threatening people for little justified reason? Never! I don’t think this thread went down as well as you or Furi planned, but it was necessary to continue the unfinished PM thing. We’ll see what happens next. Perhaps if she’d been a little nicer things might have turned out different, hm?
Thanabanana Friends - 196/199
This was quite a nice collab covering the legal side of this upcoming expedition. Amatus was a surprisingly easy unfamiliar character to write with and for an NPC collab, I felt as though it still expressed its importance.
Just be careful for the sentences that have loads of commas, some of them read a little awkward. There were also a few little mistakes (like taste when talking about the alatichryso) but nothing entirely terrible.
Heya guyyys. Subbin’ in for Ky ‘dis week, but TRAGEDY OF TRAGEDIES, allergy-hell has been working night n’ day to destroy me, so I am not feelin’ TOO HOT.
AS A RESULT, yer grades might be, ehhh... /wibbles hand
Ya know.
Not great
Sorry
Sorrrryyyyyyyyuughhhh
/sneeze
I am gradin’ the things Ky linked me, so, er, if someone got missed, just lemmmmme knoww. Or let Ky know. Or your mom know. Your local police station. Your local drunk. Your local drug dealers. Just...just go let someone know.
So, this was a chapter I found super-interesting in terms of, like, characterization and the whats-going-ons. Dio seems like a great big ball o’, like, anger and pride and anger and frustration and...and more pride. And then there’s the anger issue. It reminds me a bit of a training-montage scene out of a book or manga or something, not that that’s a bad thing (at all) -- and the flaws in Dio’s personality make it much much more interesting. Refreshing.~
(I could almost feel the rage-aneurysm creeping up on Dio -- and I gotta agree with Old Dude Bro here: MAYBE COOL YOUR JETS BUDDY.)
PS: as an aside/ personal suggestion: it might be good to try to avoid clear redundancy/repetition/using the exact same phrase back-to-back (unless it is a very-intentional mantra-type style choice). I’m not sure if you do it intentionally or unintentionally in yer writing, but a couple times in the chapter I felt like the ‘flow’ was broken by same-word-choice-ish stuff. EXAMPLES:
“The hunter clasped the wound in his side. It was not life threatening, but it still left a deep cut in his side.”
There’s nothing at all wrong with the phrase, ‘in his side’ -- but ending two sentences (two sequential sentences, even) with the same phrase makes your writing feel a bit...robotic and stiff, I suppose? I have a similar problem where I’ll have a certain word in my head and want to use it over and over throughout a chapter -- I have to watch for it, ‘cause I’ll do it even without realizing. @-@
(another bit, here: “A sharp pain radiated from his side with each inhale and his face contorted in pain.” Again, nothin’ wrong with the word ‘pain’, but saying like ‘the pain made his face contort in pain!’ feels too redundant, yeah?)
... /cough
okay bye
Val
Old Friends (3978) 199/199 +100 Div--er...u-uh...Group. Bonus. Group Bonus. That one.
“This was quite a nice collab covering the legal side of this upcoming expedition.”
ER, SO...YA KNOW...
THAT, PRETTY MUCH? /sweats all over
I’m not super-familiar with the ins and outs of the expedition and/or circumstances surrounding this collab, but that didn’t especially matter -- you two covered the information, characters, and material just fine within the confines of the collab itself. Well, enough so that I didn’t feel super-lost or in the dark, which is a rarity for me (IT REALLY IS, I MEAN, I NEVER GRADE AND I AM TOO SPAZZY TO READ EVERYONE’S CHAPS EVERY WEEK).
For once, I even recognize names in the collab! I’m familiar with both Fiora and Diana, it’s a miracle! I’m...er, I’ll admit I’m more shaky on Deni, but his mention towards the chapter’s end suggests that he’s also slated to be on this big ol’ expedition? I’ll JUST ASSUME SO. The back-and-forth between Than and yourself was smooth like butter, and I feel like Vaf and Ama really played easily off each other -- it was easy to believe them familiar friends, WHICH IS GOOD, AS THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE.
PS I would be shocked if Fiora’s spurii-ness doesn’t turn into a drama llama issue during this arc, the way you two brought up the Nix Miles (that’s a cool name i want that name) and their racist...ness. LOOK I’M SICK
Er, honestly, if there are any noticeable or ggregious errors in your writing, I didn’t notice them. SO THEY DON’T EXIST. ENJOY ALL THESE POINTS OKAY. OKAY. GOOD BYE FOREVER
