Grading Session for Week 110

[Redfin]

Grading rotation has changed for the new month.

[Be] -> [Oc] -> [Aq] -> [Be]​

The grading groups and their graders are currently as follows:

[Ca] Castus - Inactive Members

Castus List

Bish
Bunz
Cheese
Dil
Freckles
Griff
Kaze
Lambo
Loko
Nella
Puppet
Regulus (Oc)
Resh
Sev
Shrub
Sparx
Switch
Tetsu
Zerieth

​

[Oc] Occultus - Finny

Bob
Doc
Iron_Void
Ketch
Moon
Thread​

[Be] Bellator - Will

Berri
Dys
Kago
Minj
Rob
Shade​

[Aq] Aquila - Raph

Hare
Hiren
Thana
Val
Vin​

The Rotation for the month of September 2016 is:

[Be] -> [Oc] -> [Aq] -> [Be]​

Please post your thread titles beginning with your grading group, then the week number, like follows:

[Ca] Week 01: Title Should Be Here​

Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday.

 

[Redfin]

Doc + 145 erhhfb
Roar X!: 315

Dialogue punctuation! Overall, better, much better. Still some lingering issues, though.

So, the grand conclusion of Dio and Speedy's adventure. I know I said this before, but I really enjoy Speedy. Maybe it's because he has that more naïve outlook on things compared to Dio or Apollo. And, in the end, it was Speedy that killed Tydeus, after all. He's practically the main character.

The encounter between Tydeus and the gang is done well. I enjoyed how short it was, actually. I mean, once the fighting started, that was it. The buildup was all in the talking and the stalking. I kind of wanted more between Dio and Tydeus, but also just shooting him was the smart move, and I approve of that.

A fine conclusion to the arc followed by a party chapter! That's always nice.

---

Raph + 100 refbfd
Rock: 358

I appreciate the strong opening turn that set up the location of the collab. It really helps. And I enjoyed that there wasn't really a parity between the turns of the collab. It was clear that this was Annora's story, but Annora wanted Keydis along. It's pretty cool to just play the supporting character for someone else, and trying to give both characters an equal role in the collab would've really tanked the pacing.

I'll say that I smiled when Annora met her father again. For a character I've only been following on and off again, that scene still just works on a basic level.

You have some dialogue punctuation mistakes sprinkled in there. But otherwise, the collab was engaging all the way through. It's really nice to have long, character-building collabs.

 

[K3]

Writing this from my tablet, no formatting for now.

Val: +100 Faction Bonus

138/153 - Not a Great Week [1532]

This was a good chapter from you, if on the short side. It's terribly hard to get a good feel for Kore or Aulan in this chapter. Try to be aware on the lack of continuity each new chapter presents: it's always worthwhile to add some context for each character. Aulan doesn't come across as sadistic, so the purpose of him abusing Deni is hard to gauge. Kore shows signs of trauma but there's no real sense of payoff or tension that she might snap or be irreversibly changed.

Every character you write will always have their own motivations and goals; remember that. Aulan wants something as bad as his brother, as bad as Deni. I've read enough of the arc to know that you've established this, but consistency is what will sell people on a character. Reestablish the core of each character, however briefly, and readers will never question the 'why' of their actions.

Beyond that, you also skimmed on establishing a scene for this chapter. There's not much in the way of an environment, and it's hard to tell how bad the conditions Deni is stuck in are. The chapter reads like you very much wanted to get this plot point out of the way, and it can be difficult to slow down and remember that there are people who want to read your writing being left out of the loop. Overall, though, your characterization of Deni is solid and you sell his desperate situation well, if a bit without context. Aulan and Kore make for interesting side characters, and I hope you don't drop them after this arc concludes. I also hope we get more on Aulan's brother who's name escapes me, there's a solid plot of intrigue and you sell Aulan's relationship with his brother very well.

Will: +50 Faction Bonus

356/361 - The River Rock [7218]

I really enjoyed this collab, and you do a remarkable job of keeping Keydis caught up without losing ground as a writer who doesn't have much to add in establishing scenes. This must've been a difficult write for you, and it's refreshing to see that you've become so adept at writing Keydis outside of her comfort zone. That said, there's a certain aggression normally present in her that's strangely absent.

Keydis may be actively restraining herself from outbursts or causing scenes, but there's a certain amount of her personality that renders that sort of thing beyond her control. Keydis is by nature bombastic: it's how she carries herself, how she speaks, it's very much a core part of her character. I feel that by shaving away some of the rougher edges to Keydis over the collab, there were some missed opportunities.

I definitely enjoy this new idea of her being unsure of why she's doing what she is, however. You've consistently demonstrated and shown that Keydis is very new to having a friendship that runs as deep as hers and Annora's, and the small steps she's taking to becoming a better friend - and a better person - will definitely be worth the payoff in the end.

There's a certain hesitation on your end as a writer from this arc, I feel. I don't know if you feel intimidated by my usual insane brand of planning, or if you're worried about messing up something I had planned, but I'd love for you to get a little proactive in how you want this arc to shape out. Feel free to hit me up on any ideas you have or concepts you think would be interesting, because I'm definitely open to suggestions.

 

[swaswj]

Dys - 264/264 + 100 Faction

I appreciate the aftermath and seeing both how much Ignis was hurt and how she was mentally preparing herself for the recovery process. She's grown a lot over the course of her adventures.

Funny, though: the basilisk was worse than the hell-spawned dragon.

+100 Faction

Plot: Bass Drop (1316) 264/264​

Minj - 110/116 + 100 Faction

Very nice chapter, here. There were some mild errors with commas in places, but overall, it was solid, with good writing, good structure, and good punctuation. I also liked the general atmosphere and the glimpse at Gwen's past, as well as a little detail into her teacher.

Worth noting, however: Magister is kind of a big word. There is only one magister, the Magister of the Arcanum. It's kind of like saying Velden was, "her pope." Also, not going to say they can't think it is one, but I think you described this before as having a door made of TR, which couldn't exist pre-Cataclysm.

+100 Faction

A Fond Memory 2 (1157) 110/116​

Shade - 102/105 + 100 Faction

In the beginning, it would have been good to repeat the question. Even if someone had started reading this chapter immediately after the last, it would serve to add emphasis to the question.

That note aside, it was a good chapter. It confuses me how human Sylvia acts, still. It's difficult to explain, but I tend to think of godly figures as having a different way of viewing the world, maybe with their own insecurities or fears but different from our own. With Sylvia, hers seem entirely human. However, the way you portray her uncertainty and trains of thought is well done. The only errors I noted were two dialogue punctuation errors, one where you capitalized when you shouldn't, and one where you should have had a hard stop and didn't.

+100 Faction

Of Two Minds (1046) 102/105​