Nargles: + 50 Faction
200/200 - Apostasy//Evocation [1000]
It felt kind of funny reading this after Revelations had already finished, because the weak establishing in that thread is more than twice as made up for your work in this. You do a beautiful job of setting the scene and giving the dragon a clear image, destination, and goal. Everything is made clear and it genuinely helps convey the dragon's intimidating scale and nature far, far better than in Revelations.
It's sort of a shame that you stopped participating in the thread once the dragon split off into its own, but I suppose with Grif supplying a ready number of demons it didn't detract from the thread. Still, would've liked to see you introduce some more critters for Grif to play with, seeing as it's pretty plain he's uncomfortable with establishing multiple enemies to fight multiple characters.
777/782 - Cinder Mihi [3906]
Oh man, what a collab. I'm gonna call this entire thread a raving success, and I'm going to attribute it primarily to you and Grif, to be quite honest. Both of you, out-of-game, were phenomenal about communication, and in-game, about clarity. You in particular took this to such an extreme that I actually have to dock a few points because you kept repeating yourself in your turns. Even if proofreading isn't really on the docket for turns in an open collab, try to skim your turns after you post them to dodge these bullets.
Overall, though, I'm so damn proud of everyone in this thread for taking their lumps and seeking out plot opportunities outside of 'beat demons go drinking'. Dominic's presence in this thread really saves a lot of the forward momentum, and fortunately he really comes out of this reading like the leader-to-be of the group. He demands not only attention, but authority. You also go to great and pleasantly surprising lengths to show that his prideful nature both defines him and his flaws. You make it clear that it's not a
healthy thing, but that it's also a part of who Dominic is.
Going forward, I really hope you use this as a bar to set in writing combat or fights with Dominic, because the amount of communication and clarity in this thread makes me wish every plot thread could go like this.
204/214 - Cupio Dissolvi III [2139]
Good chapter from you Arun, I always enjoy when writers step outside their comfort zone to try something new. Your new approach to the combat is quite neat, and I enjoyed that you didn't over-sell Dominic's abilities and still made it clear that he was in over his head, even after he wins. One thing you did particularly well that I'd like to see you recreate in the future is those little physical tells from chain-dude.
"There was a tenseness that rippled through his opponent’s left bicep as he drew the chain back."
Yes, yes yes yes. More like this please. Conversely, try not to force psychology into an opponent unless you intend to use them as a character. It's on the melodramatic side of things and takes away from the action/reaction of the whole thing. Similarly, try to separate diatribe on Dominic from the body of action, it kills flow and takes the reader away from what they're looking at.
Another area to watch out for is still in your establishing. You went very 'tell' over 'show' in this one, and I'm not entirely sure why. There's a lot of detail on the make and build of the safe-house, and its external layout, when I don't personally believe it was necessary for the image you were trying to create. There are good details in there, but try to adhere to a 'less is more' strategy when it comes to environment. The 'warehouse paragraph' reads more like a D&D description that a dungeon master might give players. Useful in collaborations that require writers to know what their exact surroundings are, but mildly distracting when you're trying to get to the meat of a personal chapter.
Hare: + 25 Faction
729/744 - Apostasy//Evocation [3718]
I'm honestly pretty damn pleased with how you handled Ioannes in this, Hare. Ioannes shows up, and he does everything he possibly can, but you take the time to acknowledge that he's one guy up against truly insurmountable odds. There's no way for him to win, but he can still do all that he can. You make his leadership seem accountable and unfamiliar at the same time. It's easy to see that he
wants to motivate the crowd, but that he's not sure exactly how to.
That said, there's a recurring issue that comes up with you in regards to combat: short-selling. I use the term to define when a writer uses another's actions as a point of comparison for their own. In this case, when Ioannes debuts in the thread, you use Deni's shot as a point of comparison, and perhaps unknowingly short-sell it.
"The bark of Deni’s rifle was echoed by another, this one further away, but no less accurate as it struck towards the gargoyle."
This may not seem like it means anything, but the perception it gives is that Ioannes is better than Deni. It short-sells Deni's own efforts by making them lesser than Ioannes, and it's something you unfortunately create a habit out of. I get the feeling you use comparison to make it easier to describe your own actions. Try to get comfortable writing out a couple of sentences to describe an action you make with a character, it doesn't have to be the biggest thing ever, it just has to be clear in what it does and what kind of impact it has.
805/820 - Cinder Mihi [4098]
So, Hare, I know we had our own little argument/discussion/conversation about halfway through the collab, but I'm gonna tackle things from a broad perspective. As with everyone in the thread, you do very well in-game in making sure your turns are clear in what is happening and what Kincaid is doing. He's very well-characterized in the thread, and you never fail to make it clear exactly what kind of person Kincaid is.
Overall, though, I feel like you still have this mental block when it comes to writing combat of any kind. You keep selling yourself short on this and it mars your communication out-of-game. Of everyone in the thread, you never really came clean on any of your turns or what you wanted to do in them; they just kinda got posted and you only ever really used the chat to say when you had posted. I really can't stress enough that combat threads are not anyone versus anyone out-of-game. We're all in it to make a good thread and a convincing fight, no matter the outcome.
To be as honest as I possibly can without going into specifics: you need to get proactive in these threads. I understand that you're aiming for a different kind of character with Kincaid, and that you want to strike a specific kind of image in a fight with him, but you need to really polish up on what you're actually doing. There's a difference between making your character make something seem effortless, and having them make light of a bad situation. By the time Kincaid drops his 'I'm going to pretend like none of this matters' act, you're making all these jarring mood changes that really make it hard to pin down where Kincaid is at, mentally.
The best advice I can give towards creating the sort of image you want from Kincaid in combat is to make him smart, and to play it smart. You can't do a bunch of acrobatics and showy motions if you're not going to do anything with them. If your character is making something seem completely within their control, every action can and
should have a purpose. The very nature of writing deception into a collaboration requires communication though, otherwise the effort gives away the intended result before it presents itself. It all comes back to communication, and you just weren't willing for whatever reason.
I hope you feel a little more comfortable in the upcoming collaborations, because Kincaid is an interesting character and one I'd personally like to see come into his own.
Grif: + 125 Faction
372/402 - Apostasy//Evocation [2010]
Well, you tried? I'm kidding, mostly. There's a lot here that's you getting out of your comfort zone, and it shows really well that you were trying your best to do something you're not really familiar with. I'm just gonna break down some more conceptual stuff, since your actual writing was more or less on point and I really don't have issues with things on the mechanical end of things (other than to say to mind your paragraph breaks, always keep them consistent).
So, writing baddies: it's harder than it looks, I reckon you'd agree now. It's even harder to write multiple enemies on multiple fronts, for multiple people. There's a lot of dropped fights and opportunities here, and it's very clear that you latched onto the fight with Ioannes for your own sake. What you did do very well is selling both the characters' efforts and the urgency of the scenario. Props for that, I could get a sense of you being overwhelmed and you still made sure that the tone of the collab wasn't broken.
A quick couple of tips off the top of my head for writing baddies: clarity and conciseness. For the first one, never skimp on writing what you're doing. If an extra sentence or two will make it clear what a demon or imp or what-have-you is doing, add those sentences. If an extra sentence or two will make the results of a character's actions clear, and their consequences or benefits, add those sentences. Combat in general is 100% about communication and clarity; writing for it becomes infinitely easier once both are established.
Conciseness is a bit trickier to understand, because it essentially boils down to "get the most bang for your buck". Essentially, try not to oversell individual actions or attacks over others because it (1) gets in the way of the aforementioned clarity, and (2) creates a perception of favoritism for one enemy over another. Unless you very quickly want to make it known that an enemy is more powerful than another, try to keep description on actions concise over drawn out.
Lastly, and this is something I personally still struggle with doing: learn to shut up in writing. You are mostly good at this already, but to expand: you do not need to explain or determine every little thing. You can let readers determine conclusions of their own nine out of ten times if you are doing everything you can about clarity.
That's all I've got for you for now. I didn't want to try and get into anything incredibly specific seeing as this was definitely you stepping out there to take a chance, but if you wanna talk more about the collab and the specifics of where I could see things falling apart, feel free to message me and we'll talk.
850/850 - Cinder Mihi [4253]
I'm so genuinely happy with this thread, to be quite honest, that we had four characters of very disparate strengths and they all contributed in very meaningful ways. You, in particular, I am very proud of in this thread. You signed up a character with little to nothing to their name or build, and you made it work anyways. The first three turns sold me on Cassius' character, and by the end I was actively rooting for him to such a point that it might've swayed me to have Ego take it easy on you guys.
You rolled with the punches and you made the actions Cassius took meaningful for how little he was able to actively do combat-wise. Using him in a supporting role, spending Bellator spells to support other attacks and then being accepting of the mistakes that would come with him being a novice caster, as well as the downsides of his inexperience with his 'spell-drunk' episode were all great touches.
If I had to point to one person in this thread that really ties the whole thing together, it would have to be you. Dominic may have been the primary driving force, and Corvus and Kincaid might've been the support system necessary to keep the melee broken up in a way that made it easy to parse who was attacking what, but Cassius was very much forced to determine the ultimate fate of the thread, and you had him tackle it in a realistic but still admirable way.
I can't make it clear enough how much I was by your level of communication out-of-game, and your willingness to take Cassius temporarily out of the fight to contribute to the thread in other ways. You surprised the hell out of me with how good and entertaining you made your turns, and even more how well you made Cassius' presence to the thread vital in ways that didn't depend on his combat ability. All of my props for you this thread, and I hope you use this as a reference for how a good combat thread should be conducted.
Val:
200/210 - Apostasy//Evocation [1048]
Hey, so this is where Deni showed up! Good to see that he's still - for all of his roguish tendencies - something of a good guy underneath it all. Very Chaotic Good of you in this collab, I enjoy it immensely when you develop the characterization of Deni each chapter or collab. You're always very consistent about reintroducing everything we need to know about Deni as a character.
That said, I feel like you're getting very... content? In how you approach combat. Deni's turns read very samey in this, as they do in the dragon thread. Try to make sure that if you're repeating actions over multiple turns, that you make sure everything surrounding that stands out. You're placing too much emphasis on the action when it's really not anything the reader isn't used to, so sell your turns in other areas while you do that.
Guest Grader: Will:
Nothing.
